Suppose I never ever saw you? Suppose we never fell in love?

I've been meaning to post for a bit about personality profiles. I've taken the test before, and I am an ENFP- the Inspirer:

Enthusiastic, idealistic, and creative. Able to do almost anything that interests them. Great people skills. Need to live life in accordance with their inner values. Excited by new ideas, but bored with details. Open-minded and flexible, with a broad range of interests and abilities.

Now, I may be way off with these, but I've tried to guess most of your personality types based on the descriptions. Lance helped me with some, and I've already talked to a couple of you about them... anyway, if you get the chance, take the test and let me know if I was close (or just read the descriptions)! Also, it'd be neat even if I'm just close ... like, Lindsey and I guessed Graham to be an ESFJ, and he took the test and he's an ISFJ... we were close... just pegged him as more extraverted... interesting. Some of you I know a lot better than others, and I'm more confident in my guesses for you; not so much on some others, but I tried to peg you anway. Some of you I don't know well enough to really guess, but I'm still interested... If I'm wrong about the ones I tried, I'll edit this so that it's accurate... just let me know!

Dad and Jeff are ENTP - the Visionary:
Creative, resourceful, and intellectually quick. Good at a broad range of things. Enjoy debating issues, and may be into "one-up-manship". They get very excited about new ideas and projects, but may neglect the more routine aspects of life. Generally outspoken and assertive. They enjoy people and are stimulating company. Excellent ability to understand concepts and apply logic to find solutions.

Mom, Meaghan, and Britni are ISTJ - the Duty-Fulfiller:
Serious and quiet, interested in security and peaceful living. Extremely thorough, responsible, and dependable. Well-developed powers of concentration. Usually interested in supporting and promoting traditions and establishments. Well-organized and hard working, they work steadily towards identified goals. They can usually accomplish any task once they have set their mind to it.

Jennifer is an ESTJ- the Guardian:
Practical, traditional, and organized. Likely to be athletic. Not interested in theory or abstraction unless they see the practical application. Have clear visions of the way things should be. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Exceptionally capable in organizing and running activities. "Good citizens" who value security and peaceful living.

Lindsey INFJ - the Protector
Quietly forceful, original, and sensitive. Tend to stick to things until they are done. Extremely intuitive about people, and concerned for their feelings. Well-developed value systems which they strictly adhere to. Well-respected for their perserverence in doing the right thing. Likely to be individualistic, rather than leading or following.

Graham and O'Brian are ISFJ - the Nurturer
Quiet, kind, and conscientious. Can be depended on to follow through. Usually puts the needs of others above their own needs. Stable and practical, they value security and traditions. Well-developed sense of space and function. Rich inner world of observations about people. Extremely perceptive of other's feelings. Interested in serving others.

Meagan and Mark are ESFP - the Performer
People-oriented and fun-loving, they make things more fun for others by their enjoyment. Living for the moment, they love new experiences. They dislike theory and impersonal analysis. Interested in serving others. Likely to be the center of attention in social situations. Well-developed common sense and practical ability.

Tyler and Jessica are ESTP - the Doer
Friendly, adaptable, action-oriented. "Doers" who are focused on immediate results. Living in the here-and-now, they're risk-takers who live fast-paced lifestyles. Impatient with long explanations. Extremely loyal to their peers, but not usually respectful of laws and rules if they get in the way of getting things done. Great people skills.

Lance is an INFP - the Idealist
Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.

Thomas and Karen are INTJ - the Scientist
Independent, original, analytical, and determined. Have an exceptional ability to turn theories into solid plans of action. Highly value knowledge, competence, and structure. Driven to derive meaning from their visions. Long-range thinkers. Have very high standards for their performance, and the performance of others. Natural leaders, but will follow if they trust existing leaders.

Shareese and Jess are ENFJ - the Giver
Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle, and dislike impersonal analysis. Very effective at managing people issues, and leading group discussions. Interested in serving others, and probably place the needs of others over their own needs.

T.J. is an ISFP - the Artist
Quiet, serious, sensitive and kind. Do not like conflict, and not likely to do things which may generate conflict. Loyal and faithful. Extremely well-developed senses, and aesthetic appreciation for beauty. Not interested in leading or controlling others. Flexible and open-minded. Likely to be original and creative. Enjoy the present moment.

Jonathan is an ESFJ - the Caregiver
Warm-hearted, popular, and conscientious. Tend to put the needs of others over their own needs. Feel strong sense of responsibility and duty. Value traditions and security. Interested in serving others. Need positive reinforcement to feel good about themselves. Well-developed sense of space and function.

But I... I'll kiss your head...

Well well, I had a bitchy and morose blog all planned out, but alas, a few simple words of praise from a rather intimdating teacher, and I'm much too happy to really sink in my teeth and do that sad blog justice.

As it is, I'm going to tell you some of the goings on inside me, but from views of contemplation as opposed to depression.

I keep bouncing from cloud to cloud, some thunderous and scary and others light and lovely and each one more intense than the last. I feel like I'm not doing what I need to do to make people happy, and I'm not sure if I don't know how to fix things or I'm just not willing to know how to fix things, and either one is rather diappointing. I'm digging into several relationships right now, some new and others not new, but not yet fully explored, I think, and I want to know these best friends better. In doing that, though, I believe I'm pushing people out. It's not a tossed out the back door kind of push, but a slow pressure, like when you're slowly shoved to the back of a crowd in a concert and you're not sure how you ended up so far from the stage. I think I'm being pushed a little my self, actually, and I'm not sure why.

I'm scared about everything right now. I'm worried about this summer, I'm worried about next semester, I'm worried about graduating, I'm worried about my friends graduating, I'm worried about... lots. I'm terrified to leave William and Harris, but I do know it's the right thing to do for me now, and there's some (though not much) comfort in that. I'm incredibly anxious about working at Camp this summer, but I'm also feeling rather selfish, and I'm not sure that I'm ready to open my heart to anyone else when I can't even hang on to the people I've got.

I'm also elated about this summer, of course, and excited about next semester and graduation. Don't you even for a second think that I am not a happy girl, Reader, because I am I am I am. I have so much! And I don't mean I have so much like "I counted my blessings and I realize I have more than I deserve" (which is true, but I did not employ list making in this evaluation). Not a day goes past that I don't have a moment or two (or three or four, some days) where I feel like my heart will finally give a loud burp of contentment and give out, having exhausted itself with all the loving and being loved. I'm even in a good mood now, but I need these things out of me lest they continue to fester. Fester. What an ugly word.

Le sigh.

There's a lot to tell you about since my last entry, but I need to go cash a check and then head to the gym for a bit. I will tell you that Lynn Butler told me after class today that I was one of her stars, that I had really shown this semester and impressed her. She said I had a wonderful grasp of language and an good eye for observation. I beamed. I still smile to think about it. I'll have a portolio soon. How exciting is that?

But right now, everything is turning blue.

And right now, the sun is trying to kill the moon.

I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky!

So much so much so much! It's one of those days, folks... my heart may very well explode if I don't take the proper precautions.

I need an hour to babble about the goings on of the couple weeks. Alas, I don't have an hour. I have 40 minutes, and several of those will be spent walking to class, and another 10 will be needed to review the reading for Lit. Crit.

I just publicized an entry I started before we left (a couple Saturdays ago), so feel free to scroll down and give it a read (and a comment, if you feel the spirit move you to do so). I'm going to make a quick list of high points of things I keep meaning to tell you and haven't had the chance to talk about... perhaps later I will elaborate, but for now I need this out of my buzzing system:

~ Jeff and I saw a deer at Wildwood last week
~ we got to Fort Walton at 7:30ish Sunday morning
~ we were both surprised by the reflection of the truck in a store window
~ Jessica made us a wonderful breakfast
~ bridal Expo (fun dresses, a gay boy, and I'm Too Sexy)
~ Panama City with the foreign kids
~ drinking on the beach under the bridge (kites, burying Jessica, shotgunning beer)
~ Team America, Closer, Nine Dead Gay Guys, Office Space
~ sunrise
~ arriving in Cullman at 2ish Thursday morning (using a map, not mapquest, and with only one short detour!)
~ 300 again with Jeff's parents
~ lunch in Birmingham with Lance, Britni, Tyler, Britney, Ricky, Josh, Justin, David, Jess
~ coffee with Catlin and Meagan (and Rasberry Beret)
~ coffee with Jeff, Eric, Catlin, O'Brian (after dinner at CiCi's)
~ coffee with Graham and Jeff and Mom
~ spent yesterday with Shareese (watched Shortbus) after eating with her and Meaghan at Outback (O'Brian working)
~ dinner at the house
~ sitting in the floor of the men's clothing department at Wal*mart for over half an hour at 11ish last night talking to Lindsey

I have the best friends and family in the world.

Spring Break was amazing. My life is amazing. YOU, reader, are amazing.

To the left, to the left...

What the hell is up with this song? I love it. I don't love the new Shakira and Beyonce song. Or the video. You'd think with two people as sexy and talented as Beyonce and Shakira, they could come up with something better.

Harris and William now know several words to Regina Spektor's Fidelity, and Harris actually sings to a couple parts of it now without my encouraging. It just may be the cutest thing he's ever done, and Harris is one adorable little boy. He and William had their birthday party today; things went swimmingly. All the kids there were well-behaved and adorable, and Lacey came with Asa which made the party a lot more fun for me- I'm really glad you two came, and I love you more every time I see you!

Afterwards we (me and the boys) played in the park, and they were both in really good spirits, and we had a great time. We left around 6:30 and went to Jeff's apartment for half an hour to pick up some laundry (but really to make him feel loved), then grabbed some dirty clothes from my place and came back here. They ate a small supper with no fuss and then went to bed easy-peasy at 8. I've been washing clothes here, and I just hope that I get this next load out before Rosario and Stephen get home; they said they'd be here around 10, so that's what I'm counting on. Keep your fingers crossed!

This morning Jeff and I cleaned my car! It's amazing! It actually wasn't as disasterous as I had feared (Jeff, you may not believe that, but it's true.) We even vacuumed her out and ran her through the wash. Then I headed to Sheffield and Dad offered to let us take the truck, which is very exciting (I was really worried about my engine making it to the beach).

Oh, yes- the beach. That's right folks, I'm headed that way! Jeff and I are leaving tonight, I think. We actually have several options. We can sleep a few hours then leave at threeish (I'm in favor of this, while Jeff is completley opposed), drive all the way through when I get off work in half an hour, drive to Cullman and sleep some, then drive the rest (Jeff seems to like this option, while it is my least favorite), or (and this is a recently discovered avenue) we could stop in Birmingham to sleep and then travel the rest of the way. Decisions, decisions!

I'ma have to buy a new bathing suit once we get there. And some new clothes. I'm excited about that. Outlet malls! Hurray! I just remember that those would be there! I'm a little more excited about shopping now than I was.

Above all else, I'm ready to see Jessica and the ocean (in that order... I guess... ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An update! I totally didn't finish this entry, because the Tomlinsons got home... here it is, now, in full technicolor! Or... you know, just a public entry now.

We counted every black car passing your house.

Well well, I've spent an hour trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my prospectus. I'm a bit lost and very intimidated by this process, not to mention uninterested, which may have dire consequences. I think I'm going to apply Nina Baym's essay Melodramas of Beset Manhood to Henry James's The Art of Fiction. I guess we'll see how that goes. I definitely would like to do something dealing with women in literature, as this has become my primary interest, followed closely by black women in literature. I would definitely like to learn more about both.

Yesterday I spent all morning at Diebert Park with the boys; it was fantastic and beautiful. When we arrived we were the only ones there, which was strange and nice. Later two school buses pulled up, vomiting children all over our silent playground. It wasn't too bad, though, because the boys ended up playing with several of the kids (who must have been in 3rd grade or so). It was William's 4th birthday... man. They've grown so much since I started working for them. And I have to leave them soon. Sad day.

Let's not dwell now, though. After I got off, Jeff and I went back to the park to walk for a bit, then he and his friend Stephanie went running while I played on the swings. About the time they finished, Catlin and Chase came to chat, and then we all scattered for the day.

I have a million things to do today, like the laundry I was suppose to do every day this week (I did finally do a load last night), cleaning out my car and taking it to a mechanic, and straightening my apartment. I also plan to see Death By Chocolate at the Zodiac Theatre tonight at 8ish, if any of you would like to come.

Tomorrow is the party for William and Harris at the Children's Museum; it should be fun! Lacey and Asa are coming, woohoo! I'm going to babysit later that evening for them, and then I'm headed to Fort Walton to visit Jessica! I do believe Jeff and I are going together, though I guess he still hasn't confirmed that. Today and tomorrow are going to be high stress; that's a fact. Sunday, though... Sunday I'm going to spend sleeping on the beach.

And the world is so much meaner when your heart is hard...

Good morrow, cuz?

Is the day so young?

But new struck cuz.

Ah, me, sad hours seem long!

I mean to type "good morrow;" the rest just popped out. How are you this lovely Sunday, Reader?

I hope your week went well. Alls good here. The week was nice, nothing exceptionally stressful. We watched The Color Purple in Women in Lit., and I cried. It was good. I worked 13 hours Thursday. I worked again Friday night, then headed to Jeff and Chris's, where Catlin and Chase came to hang out for a bit. Yesterday Jensen called, and we decided to go geocaching (Jensen, T.J., Graham, Jeff, and I). I hadn't been in a long time, and I want to go again soon- it was great. We did have some cop action, but he was friendly. We were also told to leave by hotel management at one place. Oh my! Later Jeff and I came back to Tuscumbia to eat at Fiesta Mexicana with Jetson and Leigh Ann (their mom), then we went back to their apartment to visit for a while before going home. It was an St. Patrick's Day!

Last night Jeff and I watched Playing by Heart. I didn't realize how much I loved that movie until I wanted to see it again and I got all giddy talking about it. It was wonderful, and Jeff liked it, and you would like it, too, Reader, I'm sure of it! It's got an amazing cast, too.

Today today today... laundry! I must do laundry. And I have a midterm due tomorrow. It's a 500 word essay. No biggie. I have to write an essay with the topic "Springtime in the South." I'm thinking about turning the piece I'm doing about the picnic into this piece. Every time I think of the title, a little voice inside me sings "Hitler in Springtime." Teehee.

It's just something that we do.

Sunday was amazing. Amazing! If one day I am asked to assemble one week of perfect days out of my life, Sunday, March 11, will be one of them. I'm going to write a paper for my nature writing class on it tonight, so I will leave the descriptions off for now. Just know that it was fun, and I am madly in love with more people than I ever thought possible.

Today was a good day, too. It's Graham's birthday, woohoo! Big 19... only three months and three days until we're all legal! We'll be 18, 19, 20, 21, then my birthday ten days later and we're back on track until next year. Hummmmm....

Allow me to backtrack. Last night was nice. I didn't really feel like hanging out with the fam, but I eventually wandered over to that side of the river, and I'm glad I did. It was fairly boring at first (everyone in a separate room watching separate televisions or on separate computers), but later Lindsey suggest we take a night walk, so we (Lindsey, Graham, and I) headed out! We were approached by our baying hounds before we had gone far, so we carried them back (heavy and stinky though they were) and then continued onwards, this time with Bach following. We didn't quite walk a mile because Lindsey was worried about the cat. I decided to watch Pete's Dragon, but instead Lindsey and I talked until 2ish. We ate really late and looked at some of Grampa's sermons, which was fun and interesting; we also checked out some old pictures of the house and talked about the land and how much we love this property and whatnot.

Now, today... this morning we all had breakfast together (yes, all 6 of us!) after singing to dear Graham, then I brought breakfast to Jeff at the pool before heading into work 45 minutes late. I took the boys to McFarland Park, where we spent a couple hours playing with the styrofoam airplane I got this weekend and running around with kites and playing on the playground. A group home came to eat lunch while we were there, and it was all I could do not to go plop down at the their table. I am missing some Special Session right now. Later we drove to the picnic area and just walked around under the pine trees. It was so pleasant. We then headed to UNA to see the lions, which was really fun until Leo decided to mount Una, making me feel incredibly awkward at I made a mad dash to get the boys away from the glass (not so much because it would offend them, but because I didn't want to answer William's questions and I had my own self-imposed awkwardness to deal with). We then went home and lunched and napped and listen to Fidelity by Regina Spektor

I'm in Collier now; Jeff and I just went swimming at the UNA pool (joined by Aubrey and Chris Jordan part of the time). It was nice. I'm off to Books-a-Million now. Should be fun! Ciao!

Sweeeeeet cuppin' cakes.

Howdy, kids! How goes it here in cyberland? Alls well, I hope.

I have had very strange dreams as of late. Last night I dreamt Lance, Graham, Dad, and I were fishing and swimming by the pier, and Lance was complaining about how one time when he and Graham were sleeping in the boat, it was freezing in the morning, and I was like "Uh, when did you go camping with my family?" Apparently, they went camping together a lot, though.

Night before last I dreamed Dad was making a movie of his life. It was the weirdest thing ever. All these people kept showing up looking just like my family members and family friends. It was... disconcerting. Mostly it was just Dad and his group. He was playing himself, as was Mom. Mom had gone out to get a Black Lab to play Nyx, and we told her she had to get a Dalmatian, then, because we had Perdy a lot longer than Onyx (so she did that). I remember the Uncle Keith double looking startlingly like Uncle Keith. There was also a guy playing Scott, and he had this ridiculous wig on, and I remember thinking that the actor wanted to make a joke out of the production, which is probably what Scott would do, which is pretty funny. The most disconcerting character was Uncle Wade. The guy looked like him, kinda, but he was to skinny and he had a cocky walk. Uncle Wade was definitely not cocky, and that bothered me the most. My dad? Cocky. Uncle Keith? Cocky as hell.

You know, Uncle Wade may be the only Mullen I've ever met who wasn't cocky, now that I think about it. Except maybe Grampa. Anyway, I remember it really bothered me and I wanted them to find another actor, but there wasn't time. I don't remember much else about the dream, except that there was a lot of guitar playing.

Sooo... school's going well. Work's going well. I'm still overly stressed, though I think it's for no reason (or little reason). Umm, Jeff may just be the cutest thing in the world. He's sleeping now, and I would like to put him in my pocket and carry him around to look at when I get sad.

The Quiet World, by Jeffrey McDaniel.

A Voice Post

I didn't care; I just bummed from my friends.

Hey, remember that time when we stayed up all night talking and then watched the sunrise?

Hey, remember that time we went to football games on Friday nights?

Hey, remember that time when we danced on that rock?

And remember that time when we danced in the rain?

Hey, remember that time when you came to visit me?  I was so happy I thought I would burst.

Hey, remember that time when I visited you?

Hey, remember that time when we slept in a church in Decatur?

Hey, remember that time when we flew kites and laid on felt blankets?

Hey, remember that time when we sat in the grass and drank rum?

Hey, remember that time when we sat in the dorms and drank vodka?

Hey, remember that time when we sat on the beach and drank gin?

Hey, remember that time when we holed up in my room and watched sitcoms all afternoon?

Hey, remember that time they shot fireworks just for us?

Hey, remember that time when we smoked cigarettes in the woods by my house?

Hey, remember that time when we kissed?

Hey, remember that time when we stayed up all night in the computer lab doing nothing?

Hey, remember that time when we lived together?

Hey, remember that time when we ate ice cream in the caf until they kicked us out?

And remember later when we waded in the fountain even though it was freezing?  Later I carried you piggy-back up the stairs.

Hey, remember that other time we raced around it?

Hey, remember that time when we first talked?

Hey, remember that other time when we didn't?

Hey, remember that time when we made French toast?

Hey, remember that time when we got out picture taken on the dog-shaped couch?

Hey, remember that time you sang outside of Jack's?  It was beautiful.

Hey, remember that time when we road in the back of the truck in our wedding formals?

Hey, remember that time when we spent all day on the river?

Hey, remember that time when we watched The Never-ending Story while it rained outside?

Hey, remember that time when walked along stopped traffic and up into the woods?

Hey, remember that time when we fell asleep together?  Remember all those times?

Hey, remember that time when we cracked up during Mass?

Hey, remember that time when we got lost?

Hey, remember that time when we went to the thrift store?

Hey, remember that time when we did plays together?

Hey, remember that time when we ran through the sprinklers?

Hey, remember when I found that little snake?  And that dog?  And those kittens?

Hey, remember that time when we spent all summer painting my house green and yellow?

Hey, remember that concert?  It was amazing.

Hey, remember that surprise birthday party?  And remember those other surprises and those other birthdays?

Hey, remember that time when we spent all day in the movie theatre?

Hey, remember that time when we swam in the hotel pool all night?

Hey, do you remember prom?  That was fun.

Hey, remember that time when we were supposed to study but we talked to each other instead?

Hey, remember that time when we sat next to each other in class?

Hey, remember that poem you read me?

Hey, remember that poem I read you?

Hey, remember that time when we decided we were going to walk after school?  We only did it once.

Hey, remember that time when we sang in the car?

Hey, remember that time when ate in the park?

Hey, remember that time when I skinned my knees and you couldn't stop laughing?

Remember that time when we were lonely, but at least we were lonely together?

Hey, remember that time when we walked to the gas station?

Hey, remember that time we lived together?

Hey, remember that time we used to eat dinner and watch Will and Grace every night?

Hey, remember that voice mail you left me?  I appreciated that.

Hey, remember that time we cooked dinner for all our friends?

Hey, remember that time we went to that protest?

Hey, remember that time we cried on the balcony together?

Hey, remember that time when spent three hours at Arby's just goofing off?

Hey, remember that poem you read me?

And remember that poem I read you?

Hey, remember that time when I called you in a panic?  I felt a lot better afterwards.

Hey, remember that time when we rolled down the hill?

Hey, remember that time when we all dressed up for Halloween?

Hey, remember that time when we were obsessed with BNL?

Hey, remember that time we showered together?

Hey, remember that time when you played your guitar?  I fell in love with you a little.

Hey, remember that time when went to the club?

Do you remember how that song made me cry?

Hey, remember that time when I lost my cell phone?  And the time I lost my keys?  And the time I lost my bookbag?

Hey, remember that time we jumped the fence?

Hey remember that time...

Goddammit.

Girl, tonight we're gonna make love. You know how I know, baby?

'Cause it's Wednesday.

Cause that's all that you'll get, so you'll have to accept you are here, then you're gone...

Meagan's team lost this morning, so I'm caught sniffling here in the library at school. While high school sports have not been a major concern of mine in some years, Meagan is and always will be at the top of my list, and I didn't get to see her last game. I was fairly confident they'd be playing in the finals Friday, and I made plans to be there. I wish I could have seen her play today. I know she was amazing.

I have more to say, but I'm a bit distraught and I don't have much time before my next class. Thank you so so much for reading my paper, guys. I really didn't expect any feedback because I know it can be a pain to turn a quick update into a mini-English class, but really appreciate your comments. I've made a few adjustments, and I feel a lot more confident after your wonderful words. Careful, though, because I'm going to start counting on you. :) I have another paper here, so if you would, pretty please? Feel free to make whatever critics you want; I might not follow your advice, mind you, but it never hurts to revist a passage. Even if you don't know what exactly it is, or if it's just a paragraph that read funny or a word that tripped you up, let me know. I'm a lot more self-conscious about this particular piece because it's my first attempt at a segmented essay, and I'm not sure if I did it well. Anyway, let me know, if you get the chance!

I'm off to gather sources for a 10 page paper on the effect of black female authors on the American women's movement!

You're going to turn around very slowly and you're going to touch the floor for my viewing pleasure.

And now, for your viewing pleasure: a paper!

Now, I know that most of you will not read the paper, much less click the link, and that's very okay, because I know you're at least as busy as I. However, if you do happen to have a free moment and would like to offer any constructive criticism, I'd appreciate it. I've only re-read it once, so I'm sure it needs a lot of cleaning up, but I'll do that soon enough. I'll probably post another paper or two today as well. I would like you to read them, but that's the secondary purpose of these posts- mostly, I would like to have these at my fingertips when I need them. I didn't make much effort to save my papers from high school, and that may be for the best in some cases, but some of those essays weren't half bad, and I think I could greatly improve them now.

Samson. What a song. What a brilliant beautiful sad sweet song! *swoon*

A new title I've come to apply to myself: alliteration advocate. That's taken from a friend from AGS loooong ago; I stumbled upon her page the other day, and there it was, calling my name. I hope you, too, will don the title and wear it proudly.

I wasted a lot of time stressing about Literary Criticism this weekend, and it turns out I lead the discussion Wednesday (not today, as I though). We read an essay by Viktor Schlovsky today; it was quite interesting, though a bit redundant, as many of the essayists we've read seem to be. My favorite part of the whole essay? The last lines: "But I will not discuss rhythm in more detail since I intend to write a book about it." How fantastic! I want to right essays that end in such confident assertions. Anyway, it amused me.

We were strangers in the night, up to the moment when we said our first hello...

Home again, home again! as my grandmother says. Updates, updates, for those who are curious (so... for me, in a few months when I re-read this, I suppose). It took us about 10 hours to get to San Destin Thursday; not only did we take the longer route, but we traveled with a 3 year old, so we had to make bathroom stops rather frequently. The trip was nice; the ocean was beautiful. The highlight of the trip was, of course, seeing Jessica Friday. We got to spend some time alone together whilst the boys napped and Rosario was with them; we also hit the pools and hot tubs. Later we played in the sand with the kids; I've got a lovely little piece I started writing on the way home about that. Also noteworthy: talking to Lance while he watched us on the beach through a webcam. Creepy, right? It's not as creepy as it sounds, because you can't actually tell who people are (or so says the Lance... he's probably just trying to look less stalkerish, though).

Yesterday I started my period early, which is odd; I'm almost always irregular, but I'm rarely early. It was pretty crappy, I'll tell you that much. I got birth control last month, but I didn't start taking it yet. I should start next Sunday. I don't like it, though... I'm not sure why. It's hard to explain, and I don't have the energy or desire to do so tonight. Any(I think perhaps one day I will go through this journal and conclude that I talked much to much about menstruation. For that, I apologize.)

The drive home took only 7 hours, as we took a shorter route and put diapers on William. Once home I ate pizza with their fam, then headed to my apartment to read a bit of Blue Shoe by Ann Lamont, then came here, home, to visit with my grandma and do some homework. (This weekend I finished reading For Love of Evil by Piers Anthony; I'd read it before, but it's been a while. I really want to revisist the whole Incarnations of Immortality series, I wanted to read this one because it's a slight refresher on the rest of the series, and now I can read the seventh book, which I've not done yet.) I have oodles of work to do, including several papers for Nature Writing and some exciting analysis for Lit.Crit. Fun? You bet.

I'm officially hired for Camp McDowell this summer. It's almost as intimidating as it is exciting. I'm really looking forward to meeting and loving new people, but I'm also rather nervous about it, because I'm not sure I have room for that right now. I do, of course, because you can't really plan for this sort of thing, and the worries beforehand are truly worthless, bute I'm worried never the less. I'm worried about a lot of things. I've been having nightmares lately about all the junk I've been suppressing, especially about my uncle and fam and about Harris and William and about school.

I'm going to play the Sims work on my papers now. I leave you with this:

It made me happy. So, thanks.

I hear in my mind all these voices; I hear in my mind all these words...

Oh, Regina. You are my newest love.

When did we last speak? Saturday? It's been much to long, dear, and I've missed you.

For nature writing I'm doing a piece on sunsets; it's an uber-descriptive contrast and compare of the sunset in Anna Maria and the sunset on Park Blvd. I'm toying with the idea of a segmented piece, but that makes me nervous. For one, I might have to read it outloud, and segmented pieces aren't as good read aloud. For another, I've never done one, and I would really not like to screw up a good grade with experimentation. I don't want my piece to be boring, though. I'll be talking about the birds you're likely to see and hear in either place, as well as the trees, the insects, and the overall landscape. I'm sure either description on it's own would be interesting, but I'm afraid if I describe one and then launch into a similar structure about the second, readers might be turned off the the second sunset. Decisions, decisions. Either way, I'm going to post it on here when I'm finished, for my own records.

Tomorrow morning I leave for Destin with the Tomlinsons. I'm not all that excited, sadly, though I'm super-pumped about seeing Jessica, however briefly. I don't wanna miss class Friday, though, and I want to visit my with my grandma (who got in town last night), and I want to see Meagan play ball, and I want to chill for a bit. My apologies; the bad energy I'm putting out right now brings to mind comic images of smelly characters on Saturday morning cartoons with odor emanating from them in squiggly black lines. This weekend will be fantastic, I will get to do a lot of reading and writing, and I will spend some good quality time with William and Harris.

Speaking of! After you put Harris in his crib, he says "bye" to let you know he's ready to go to sleep. Tonight, he said "bye," and I said "good night," and he said "sleep tight!" Now, if that wasn't the cutest thing I ever heard in my life...

Last night I made peppers and Italian sausage, and it turned out pretty well, although it was too greasy (I forgot to get rice, which would have helped soak that up and make it better). I also made a lasagna to freeze, and I think/hope/pray it's going to be alright, and maybe even good. Using leftovers from the lasagna, I made improvised cannelloni (in case you were wondering, the difference between manicotti and cannelloni is the stuffing; the former most often has cheese, while the latter usuaslly has cheese and meat- I just looked this up).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I started this post last night, and here it is Thursday morning, so my apologies for the in-congruency. I was just working on this essay, but things are going less than stellar, and I've decided to abandon the thing for now. I'm about to go to Wal-mart and see what kind of cheap-o dresses they have, because I don't have any nice casual things for this weather, and I need them for Florida. Blah!

I'm tired and cranky this morning. Lucky for everyone else, you're not here to bear witness to this grumpy mess.

Or perhaps it's not so lucky... I can never stay ill around any of you, you know.

There is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come.

This weekend has been pretty great thusfar. After work Thursday I ran home to grab a few things (including a letter from Jessica!), then headed to Cullman with Jeff, who is taking care of his pets this weekend. We went to eat and then visit Noel her roommate Landon and their friend Josh; funtimes, as always. Later Jeff and I headed home and went to bed. Friday we headed to Birmingham and ate lunch at Moe's before picking up Jess and going to the Galleria, where we saw Tyler breifly and later met with Lance, Britni, and Thomas. The most exciting things were a horse riding machine and a surf board machine, riding the carousel, and just being together. Sadly, Jeff and I had to leave (an hour later than we intended) so we could let the dogs out again at his house then go back to Florence for the birthday party of one Chris Anderson. I was kinduv exhausted and not looking forward to being social, but I'm really glad we went, because I had a fantastic time, especially visiting with friend I don't see very often and meeting people I've heard lots about but never gotten to visit. People I hung out with most: Kacy, Eric, Luke, and O'Brian, and later Ricky and Josh and Justin and Other Eric. I also met a Joe and a Paige and an Eva and a Tae, and Ben was there, and an Amy and an Ashley (and of course I hung out with Jeff and Chris). Oh, and Jacob and Rita were there when I arrived, too, though they left shortly after I got there. I think, maybe, that's everyone, though I could be mistaken. I'm not sure why it's important to me to catlogue events like this. I guess it will be interesting to see if any of our paths cross again, and also writing the names down helps solidify people in my memory, so that if we do meet again, I will have a name and a face in the rolodex of my memory.

This morning we watched some Margaret Cho with breakfast; she was hilarious, as always. "Fag hags are the backbone of the gay community. Without us, you're nothing." That cracked me up. In looking up that quote, I found another interesting quote from Ms. Cho about the term fag hag: "The marriage of two derogatory terms, fag and hag, symbolis[es] the union of the world’s most popular objects of scorn, homosexuals and woman, creat[ing] a moniker that most of those who wear it find inoffensive, possibly because it smacks of solidarity." The article also links several other pieces dedicated to the relationship of straight women and gay men. I didn't know there was so much literature on the subject, although I shouldn't be surprised, having analyzed the relationship myself several times, especially after so many classes dealing with gender and sexuality. Maybe I'll share some of what I find later tonight after the boys go to bed. Also, Margaret has a very interesting web site, in case you didn't know.

I'm a little bit down this afternoon, partially due to a fucked up sleep schedule, and partially do to an absence of friends. I've noticed this is a trend with me- after being in social situations, specifically with people I love very much, it's followed by a brief depression when I find myself alone. Depression- that word has such dismal connotations... I don't mean I spend hours crying in the bathroom wondering why my life's so miserable... dictionary.com says depression is "a condition of general emotional rejection and withdrawal," which is exactly what I mean. I guess I just wanted to clarify.

I think it's a bit more pronounced this time because Jessica is in Florida and Jeff is in Cullman, and they are usually here. Hmm. O'Brian, if I show up on your doorstep tonight, will you cuddle with me?

Anyway, here's my Sacred Advertisement this week:

Tantric sex practitioners say an artful lover never makes love the same way twice.

Similarly, chanteuse Billie Holiday believed a good singer should never sing a song the same way twice. If you use all the same phrasing and melody, she said, you’re failing your art.

The only Zen master we know--whose name we can’t tell you because she changes it every week, and we haven’t heard the latest one--likes to quote the ancient Greek philosopher, Heraclitus: "You cannot step into the same river twice, for fresh waters are ever flowing in upon you."

Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has the last word: "Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible."

All the girls in every girly magazine can't make me feel any less alone...

Despite the title of this particular entry, I'm not particularly lonely or upset right now. I'm a bit lonesome, but it's nothing more than that lovely slump we singles tend to hit every now and again. Ho, hum, sigh.

Today was a pretty good day. The reading in Lit.Crit was very interesting, not to mention very short. Freshman Comp. was interesting and amusing, as usual, and I turned in my second paper finally. Nature Writing was rather drab, being neither extraordinary nor excruciating. Images of Women in Literature was rather interesting today; we discussed the ridiculous old school of thought of women secretly desiring dominant men willng to put them in their place, as it were (a la Gone With the Wind). Needless to say, the entire class was rather awkward for me, as I would love to stumble upon an Alpha-male (umm, and I used this term before the werewolf books, thank you very much). Le sigh. Again. Anyway, we did discuss how it still not uncommon for women to like dominate men (apparently I'm not the only one ; - ), although our teacher seemed really surprised by this. I did make the distinction during the class among women of today and women of the past: if I had no choice but to play second to some big-shot husband, I would never marry. However, I do have a choice.

For a completely random change of topic- I just put the boys to bed (after I finished that last paragraph). William called me as I left his room, indignant: "Hey! I forgot to hug and kiss you goodnight!" Yeah, I melted a bit. These boys... I hope they don't forget me to quickly when I'm gone, but I suppose it's bound to happen sooner or later. I can't work here forever, and if I'm not working with them, there's no way I can maintain the big sister/mothering relationship I have with them now. Sad day.

I was gonna end the post there, but I realize that's a bit of a sad/sappy note with which to leave you, and I'm not really feeling sad or sappy at the moment, though I do feel a bit removed. I had a lot of comments today on my entries or to comments I'd made, and it made me really ridiculously happy. Thanks, guys. Hmm. Here, I give you my horoscope from Mr. Brezsney:

I expect you'll soon be communing with sore spots and delicate feelings, Cancerian. Allergies may be featured prominently as well--if not the literal kind, then maybe the metaphorical version. People might be extra ticklish, sometimes to the point of irritability. And yet all the squirming will actually be a good sign. It'll mean that one of your most confounding contradictions is close to being resolved. For best results, act decisively at the moment when your vulnerability is most intense.

The Garden of Eden

...at some point something must have come from nothing…

It happens all the time, this crazy love of mine...

I had a lovely little post for you earlier, but alas, IE ate it before I updated, and the auto-save function of our dearest LJ seems to be a bit sub-par. Oh, well.

Jeff and I watched Gods and Monsters last night (night before last?), with Brenden Fraser and Ian McKellan; O'Brian, you definitely need to watch it soon. The movie was pretty good, albeit creepy as hell several times, but Brenden was only partially clothed during several scenes, so that was nice. O'Brian, I also have an author you must read, if you haven't already: Patricia Briggs. Jeff got me to read Moon Called, followed by Blood Bound, and they were both excellent. I prefer the first, but that's because I like the werewolf dynamic more; it appears the author, her husband, and the publishers all claim the second to be better- they're both great, though, and right up your alley.

I was planning to attend the Vagina Monologues on Thursday, but I'm thinking I might travel to Cullman with Jeff... I would like to go, but I can't think of anyone who would attend with me willingly, for one, and for another, if I go to Cullman Thursday night I might get to go to Birmingham Friday, and I wouldn't want to pass that up. Friday evening would see us back in Florence for Chris's birthday party, woohoo!!! I work Saturday; Rosario and Stephen are going to Birmingham, so I'll be going in early. Lindsey's birthday is Saturday, and Graham is traveling to Tuscaloosa for Convention and to be with her. I'm sad I can't be there, but I think it's going to be a good weekend. Last year's convention was really fun. It's a bit sad... memories of Andrew... what a sad kid.

The high tomorrow is 38; here's hoping for frozen roads and canceled classes tomorrow! That's assuming, of course, that everyone who might be on said roads is able to stay snug and safe in bed.

There's more to tell, you, Reader, but Jeff needs the computer... besides, there's always more, isn't there?

You think you're so smart, but I've seen you naked- and I'll probably see you naked again...

Before I started this post I thought I'd see what I wrote about a year ago; mistake! Apparently this time last year was rather depressing. It's been about a year since Mario passed away; I think I like that I'm still sad about that. I also quit working at Kid Safari about this time last year- I still have a note Jessica left on my bed to make me feel better when I got home on my last night. By the by, she should be in Fort Walton now; I got a message from her this morning around 10:30 saying they were about an hour away, so they should be about there now. Last night O'Brian and I visited with her for a bit and helped pack some (read: distracted her from packing and ate chocolate cake).

About two years ago today Meagan was recovering from surgery and I subbing at Shoals Preschool Academy- where the infamous twin story originated. And three years ago today, the second semester of my freshman year had just started after an amazing interim course. I believe I had just moved in with Christy two floors above my old dorm room (one of the greatest moves I ever made). I was friends with her and Kelly and Stacey, and just about to reconnect with Britni, and through her meet Lance (and later through him Thomas), Melissa (and through her David), Jennifer (eventually- and through her, Jennifer R.), and finally Mark. Then through Lance I was to find Jess, and through her Greg; I also fell in love with Karen somewhere along the way, and I'm not sure when, but Joe Hammer also became a part of my life at this time.

How strange- three years ago today, I didn't know most of your names and little of your faces and none of what is really you. Now you are my soulmates and lovers, the missing pieces of my once-broken heart. Where would I be with you?

That was 2004. In 2005 I was dating Stephen and livng next door to my parents and getting used to living near my beautiful high school friends again. In 2006 I was at UNA, falling madly for Jonathan and Lacey and Terri. And here it is 2007, and I have Jeff and Chris and Aubrey and a million more people to love.

Here is a personal ad from Rob Brezsney, my latest obsession:
I'm the one! Pick me for your mission impossible! I'm the one! Pick me to help you storm the kingdom of heaven! Everybody's somebody's fool; let me be yours! I have no shame and I want no limits! I give till it hurts and if you're smart you'll let me teach you how! So electrify me in a sanctuary! Amaze me in a labyrinth! Undress me on an altar! Engorge me in a waystation! And I'll resurrect you wherever you want!

Come along with me now 'cause there are things I've been dying to tell you...

So much, Reader! So much so much so much! I have fully immersed myself in pronia, and it's wonderful, though I spend a lot of time worrying that my dear mortal heart can't take it.

Last Friday we had a really wonderful party, I think, in honor of Ms. Jessica Hyde. Everyone got all dolled up and came to play at my parents house, where we played Frank Sinatra and ate finger foods and enjoyed being in the company of some truly fine people. Lance and Graham helped straighten the house while Britni, Mark, and Thomas went to Wal*mart and ABC; soon O'Brian arrived, then Chris, then Jeff; next came the Birmingham crew and Jessica and T.J., but I can't remember the order in which they arrived. Mom and Dad got home from Meagan's game (with the Meagan and her friend Melissa) and Mom helped me put the o'deurves together so that everything looked splendid. Jonathan also showed up after a bit, and later that evening Kacy and Luke came to visit. We had a slight fiasco with a handle of vodka, but it didn't put us off to badly... Mom also broke a wine glass right after the glass had been cleaned up... it was crazy and funny and sad. Overall, I think everyone had a really good time, and I think it was a good way to spend the weekend.

Monday night Jessica and I headed to Huntsville to see the amazing John Mayer. We were in the fifth row. The FIFTH ROW! It was amazing! Before he came on stage, a band called Soul Live played, and they did a pretty good job; they had a great energy and were fun to watch. Then John came on and the place erupted as he launched into "Waiting on the World to Change." He also played "Good Love Is on the Way." and a lot of other really great songs that I just can't settle my ticking brain long enough to remember; for his encore he did "Your Body Is a Wonderland" and then "Why Georgia," which may actually be one of the best songs ever written.

It was a really fun night, though it left me a little sad... a lot sad. From the beginning I had it in the back of my head that this was our last big adventure, Jessica, and that makes me so so empty. I know it's not the last, but it's the last for a while, and it's the last of this stage in our lives, because you moving is a new stage, a good stage, a different stage. I kept pushing thoughts of dollar fifty matinees and swinging by the river and driving nowhere and smoking in the woods and talking on the porch and a million other things that are US, that are uniquely you and me. Anyway, I have to stop now because I don't want to cry tonight. I love you, Jessica.

Last night I saw Romeo and Juliet by the Aquila Company at UNA; it was wonderful! All the characters have memorized all the roles, and before the production they had audience members draw their parts from a hat. They do this to maintain some of the spontaneity of live theatre. I was hoping for male/male or female/female leads, but it didn't happen- the play was great nevertheless, and there were some gender reversals that served to make the play entertaining while also proving their point about how gender often isn't that important to the communication of ideas.

During the final scenes, an older woman in the row in front of me spend the greater part of the time crying, and it almost set me off as much as the play. I wonder what it was like to view this magnificent work for the first time... I wish we weren't taught the plot of this great story so early and so flippantly. I bet it was an intense emotional ride for its virgin audience.

Anyway, so much to do! Tomorrow I have to go take out a loan to pay for school, as well as pay my overdue rent and work for 8 hours and write two papers and spend whatever time I can with Jessica before she leaves. Friday I have class, then hiking with Jonathan, then work. Saturday morning Graham and I are going geocaching, then I have a basketball game with my Little (I hope we're just going to watch one, though I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to have to play), then I'm headed to Tuscaloosa to visit Lindsey and see Guerrilla Theatre. Sunday morning we'll headed to Huntsville to visit some family (maybe- I haven't called Rosemary yet or anything) and maybe give some help if we can because I know things are hectic there now as my Uncle Bill prepares for surgery. Nothing exception planned for Monday or Tuesday, then Wednesday is Valentine's Day, and I'd like to attend the Vagina Monologues, but I'll probably just work (blast!).

In closing, I'll love you forever- all you have to do is ask.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

And here again is my sacred advisement from freewillastrology.com:

Ralph Waldo Emerson: "He who is in love is wise and becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses."
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: "Love, love, love: That is the soul of genius."
Krishnamurti: "The problem, if you love it, is as beautiful as the sunset."
Henry David Thoreau: "There is no remedy for love but to love more."
Erica Jong: "Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more."

This is exactly what I needed this week. I'm about to start paying for my extended horoscope each week. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm not so much asking if this is a good idea as I am telling you about my plans. Capisce? I love everything about Rob Brezsny. Even if some of his readings really aren't specific to me, he offers really good advice. In other news, I have so much to tell you, but I don't know if I can do that right now. Last night as I was falling asleep I thought my heart might simply explode and then all the love I feel would come oozing out of my poors like thick perfume. In case you weren't aware: I love you.

But for now we are young, let us lay in the sun...

...and count every beautiful thing we can see.

Just keep me where the light is...

My friend Lance posted this in his journal a while ago, and I thought some of you might appreciate it.

on my way back from pc today i passed a sign that said "go to church or the devil will get you." you can imagine my initial knee-jerk reaction, but you know, maybe they just got lazy and didn't have enough room to write: "its probably a good idea if you go to church because it provides a medium for introspection so you can examine your life and see if you are living up to your own morals and expectations and determine what changes you need to make to become a better person." but, you see, it takes up less space to write the former, so sometimes you just have to make things simpler. so now if i hear people say things like that or see signs and such i'll just smile and choose to think that they are only looking out for people

I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I. Thanks for letting me share, Lancepants. I love you very much.

And would you fuck me? Because I'd fuck me.

Yesterday was a pretty great day. I took the boys to BAM, where we got to play with Jessica some, and I read another chapter of Dry by Augusten Burroughs. (Just now, I went here to see if I was spelling his name correctly, I stumbled across his blog.) After work I went to BBBS, where I met Jessica, my new little! She's 8 years old and wonderful. I took her to Park Blvd. to visit with the dogs and cats; we really didn't do much except visit, but that was pretty wonderful. She has a little brother who is just to die for- amazing. I'm really excited about this match. Nikki, my little of last, moved away without telling me... her parents were awful... I hope she ends up okay.

While at my parents' house, I finally got two books I'd ordered forever ago! A Softer World: Truth and Beauty Bombs and Legitimate Art: An Animals Have Problems Too Collection. At some point last year, Jessica gave me Toothpaste for Dinner: Hipsters, Hamsters, and Other Pressing Issues book... so I now have three books based off web comics. What a loser.

Last night was fairly unproductive, and I went to bed at 10 or so. Crazy. Now I'm passing time before my Freshman Composition class. I suppose I could be working on a rough draft essay due in Nature Writing at 1, but then I'd have nothing to do during Freshman Comp. ... today's lesson is on the concluding paragraph of a five paragraph essay... a whole class... about the closing...

Anyway, instead of paying attention to that, I'll be working on a paper that is inspired by this quote from Thoreau:

A single gentle rain makes the grass many shades greener. So our prospects brighten on the influx of better thoughts. We should be blessed if we lived in the present always, and took advantage of every accident that befell us, like the grass which confesses the influence of hte slightest dew that falls o it; adn did not spend out time atoning for the neglect of past opportunities, which we call doing our duty. We loiter in winter while it is already spring. In a pleasant spring morning all men's sins are forgiven.

I think that's lovely. In nature writing we've touched quite a bit on synchronicity, and I've fallen in love with the term. My most recent encounter with this lovely phenomenon: Sunday, Jess, O'Brian, Lance, Tyler, and I ate at Cracker Barrel, and Jess and I put our table name as Thoreau; I got this assignment the next day. I'm waiting for a third occurrence.

Speaking of things I'm in love with at the moment: the new "generous nation" campaign by the ad council. You've probably heard the commercials on the radio... the line is "Don't almost give- give." They sure got us on this one, kids... how many times a day do we almost do things? I've probably posted about 30 different things I plan to do, but I haven't done them yet. I feel like every time the ad comes on television, they are talking to me. And they are. And they're right. They've got me pegged. As a personal favor, would you please help keep me accountable? I don't want any more almost giving in my life. I don't want any more almost givings or almost I-love-yous.

Call the police and call the press, but please, dear God, don't tell my friends...

In Literary Criticism, we recently read some Dante, and he mentioned a greeting used by scholars of the time:

I wish you a tragic beginning and a comic ending.

A tragedy is a work with a wonderful beginning and a sorrowful conclusion. A comedy is a work with a disaterous beginning and a happy conclusion. And so this strange greeting works. And this is what I wish you for, Reader.

You Are Almost Everything - My sacred advertisement this week.

You taste delicious

Animals understand you

Your importance is unusual

The funny faces you make are interesting to look at

You fight for power in all the right ways

Gratitude pours out of you

You have strong feet

No one can overflow as well as you can

You are famous with God

A lost tribe salutes you from the other side of the veil

You belong to yourself

If you've got the patience, celebrate the ancients!

THIS makes sense!

Life is so good!

I don't hide every time I'm seen- but I try not to get caught.

So this morning I have been more scatterbrained than usual, and it's highly frustrating. A partner and I lead the discussion on a piece by Dante we just read in Literary Criticism- by lead the discussion, I mean the professor talked for 43 minutes before asking us to hash over any high points of the reading in our remaining seven minutes. There's no missing the readings in this class... I doubt most of our assignments can be found on sparknotes or wikipedia, and we have to write about them every morning. Overall, I like the class thusfar.

Today we begin Spanglish; should be fun. I also have an appointment with the OB-GYN this afternoon; I thought my appointment was for this morning and I would have to reschedule, but when I called to do so, I found that I was mistaken. I'm not sure if I'm on the insurance or not; Dad's supposed to call me about that. I hope so, because I need to go today. I also need to see a dentist and an optometrist.

Jeff and I went to Pizza Hut last night, where I thought I saw Micah, though I'm not sure. I hope it wasn't him, because we didn't speak, and I wouldn't want him to think I intentionally ignored him (because I wouldn't do that). Speaking of ex-bfs, I've been kinda missing Stephen this past week or few. From what I've read, he seems to discount our relationship, which is unfortunate. I don't know if I miss him, specifically, or if I miss that heavy in-love feeling of the first few weeks of a relationship... those few days when you can't stop thinking about someone, and even though it may not be permanent, you know it's going to last than a week.

Next I have Freshman Composition. Exciting, right? Last class we discussed third person versus first person and the difference between "its" and "'it's." I'm not complaining, mind you... I'm glad to have an easy course. It's just... mind-boggling in its simplicity.

We're heading to Birmingham Friday night (we being Jeff, O'Brian, and I). It's gonna be a fun weekend. In a mostly unrelated topic, I wouldn't mind being inebriated right now.

It's better than bad- it's good!

I had my first Literary Criticism course today. I was a bit intimidated, having missed the first four classes, but everything was great. I had done the readings, so the quiz was no problem. I didn't participate in the dicussion as much as I might in the coming weeks.

Soon, this block from 11-12 will be spent at the gym; I was going to go walk there today, but I forgot you have to wear tennis shoes... I have to buy some socks. Ugh. I love flip-flops.

Next I'm going to Freshman Comp. where I will probably spend 50 minutes working on an essay that's due Wednesday. Topics to choose from included "Three Unexpected Suprises on a Vacation Trip," "Where I Would Be If I Weren't In College," and "A Favorite Teen 'Hangout.'" I wrote an essay on the first topic last class, but I think I'm going to do the second one. I wanted to write about the sea turtle this summer and our trek to the gas station, but I think those stories would better serve a different type of essay; now, where would I be if I weren't in college? And should I write about what I would have done had I never attended college, or where I'd go right this moment if I dropped out? Options, options...

After that I have Nature Writing, which I really enjoy thusfar. Our assignment for this class is to find and describe a bird; as you may or may not know, it is winter, and birds are rather scarce now. I hear birds from time to time, but I've wandered about campus without seeing any this morning. I'm about to go look again...

Lastly I have Images Of Women In Literature; today will be my first day (it meets Monday and Wednesday). We're reading To Kill a Mockingbird, which is exciting and helpful because I've read it half a dozen times. Next class we're watching Spanglish, and after that, Clueless. Hmm.

Yesterday Graham and I saw Stranger Than Fiction. I loved it. It's been a long time since I saw a movie that wasn't laugh outloud funny or chock-full of meaning or ridiculously morose. It was just an overall good movie; Will Ferrel was amazing, and of course Maggie Gyllenhaal... I would marry her in an instant. That evening Jessica and I saw The Fountain, which I didn't like at all. It was to jumpy and it was emotional but I didn't really get attached to the characters, so I felt like I should have been sad a lot more than I was. I don't think it was well put-together, though I imagine the book (if there is a book) is fantastic. That night I watched Girls Will Be Girls with Jeff. It was entertaining... I wouldn't watch it over and over, but it's worth seeing. It's probably funnier if you're drunk.

Maybe tomorrow I'm going to Tuscaloosa, even thought I absolutely cannot miss class Wednesday, and would therefore have to leave that morning by 6am. Maybe.

...but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world.

Today was a lovely lazy Saturday. Sometimes lazy Saturdays make me feel wasteful and indulgent, but this one has left me feeling rested.

I spent the morning at the house, then brought Jeff some lunch at the rec, where I spent the greater part of the day, made a Subway run, then came here to babysit. We had a nice and uneventful night; now the boys are asleep and I'm about to do some reading for Literary Criticism. Here's hoping it's interesting!

Last night Jeff, Jessica, Matt, and I saw Running With Scissors; it was thoroughly disappointing. Knowing that it lasted perhaps a week in big city theatres and went straight to Hickory Hills here, I wasn't expecting much, but, I thought that it might be better having read the book. I figured the reason it bombed was plot-line confusion and whatnot, because so much happens in the book and it's all a bit jumbled... however, I was mistaken on both accounts. It wasn't better, and it wasn't jumbled. Just... horrible.

Something not horrible? Reading a book with friends. I don't know if I can fully express how much I like that the three of us read this book. It makes me want to join a book club... no, I'm not kidding.

Afterwards we ate at Riverside, and soon after we retired. Jessica slept at my apartment; she woke me up at the ungodly hour of 9... okay, maybe ungodly is a bit drastic, but it was rather early for a Saturday morning after a late Friday night. :)

I might try out for a play at the Zodiac tomorrow. I was reading the paper two days ago and there's was a "what's going on in the Shoals" section which included the audition information. It's just a cold reading of the script: Death By Chocolate. Let's see if I can work up the nerve to act on this impulse.

Oh, I saw American Beauty finally. The title is my favorite part. Also, just beauty in general...

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

They're onto something, kids.

Am I losing my mind?

...am I growing backwards through time?

The years go on, and we're still fighting it...

I just got rejected in a major way. Harris totally dissed me for Jeff. It was pretty harsh. I'm being blithe, but seriously... I'm a little wounded.

I'm registered! Hurray! I'm even excited about most of my classes! I'm not very excited about Literary Criticism, but I'm very excited about Images of Women in Literature (which I have with Christian, and I'm excited about that) and Nature Writing. I'm also very excited about Freshman Composition, believe it or not.

Today I had a breif conversation that was completely textbook. I mean, straight out of Gender Communications. It was ridiculous. Thing is, knowing how and why we interact doesn't really change the interactions, which sucks. It just means that I don't get angry because I've analyzed why I'm getting angry and realized that it's unproductive and really no fault of either party. However, that doesn't stop the anger, it just gives it no outet. Except I'm not an angry person, generally, and I was upset about a million other things. Anyway, just really interesting... I think that class should be required. The only two classes I've had that I see practical applications for in every day life are that and psychology; perhaps sociology, but I think that's a shaky science at best.

Tonight I took William and Harris to McDonald's, and we had a really nice time; Jeff came, too. After much playing and running about, we went to BAM, which was also nice. We read and saw Jessica and played with the train. They got to bed a little later than usual; maybe they'll sleep late tomorrow.

While running around campus this afternoon, I helped three different people find buildings, including two exchange students and an older woman (I walked with her). While I'm less and less a believer in fate of any type, I definitely believe a reason happens for everything. I think these people would have found their way if I'd been in class as I should have been; however, because I wasn't, I'm glad that the powers that be decided to use me, because it really helped brighten my day.

They come knocking at your door with that look in their eyes...

I think it's high time I slipped into despair or coasted into euphoria. My life of late seems to be so extreme.

Monday night saw us waiting excitedly for Invisible Children, only to find that through some mishap or miscommunication they were not, in fact, screening the video. Most of the day had been spent in giddy anticipation of the event; I was ready to share this video with friends and to meet the people touring Alabama. Instead, we sat outside the GUC in the rain scrambling to find some sort of explanation for the dark halls and locked doors. It was... disappointing, to say the least.

Aubrey then said we should eat at Riverside, which is an all-night dinner here in Florence (which I want to frequent more often). Jessica, Jeff, Graham, Chris, Chris Jordan, and I had dinner there, then went back to my apartment (sans Chris Jordan and Graham, plus O'Brian) and made lemon bars for Jeff's birthday and played Twister Moves. And so I jumped back up- it's very difficult to stay mopey among friends as good as mine. It was amazing and wonderful and fun; it's the kind of event that usually plays at the end of a goofy movie for kids while the credits role and some song about friendship slowly fades in as the scene fades out.

I worked Tuesday, then got my oil changed and ran a few errands with Jeff. We went to The Well to see the Invisible Children there, but we were once again let down. Apparently posters reading "IC at 7" were delivering a message I failed to decode in time: Worship and singing at 7, IC in the youth room whenever we're finished. Jeff and I stayed for a little bit (enough to find this out and see the preview for Invisible Children), then headed back to his apartment. I was so uncomfortable there! I could stomach that kind of service, and maybe even enjoy it, if I was there with friends who valued this type of worship; then it would be more about my friends than the actual material, and I can do that. But that wasn't the case, and so I was glad to be rid of the place. We went home and had quiche and watched Avatar with Chris. Later we watched Bent, which is one of the most depressing gay Nazi films I've ever seen- granted, it is the only gay Nazi film I've seen, but I would wager that it would still be at the top if the list was longer.

This morning I've been jumping through hoops trying to get registered; so far I'm in two classes. I'm very excited about Nature Writing, which I attended this afternoon. I'm also in Freshman Composition, which should be interesting. (At BSC, I was put into the next level because of my entrance essay. Because there was no actual test and because BSC didn't give credit for the freshman course, I have to take it here... even while I'm in 400 level classes. Funny, right? I could have taken a test here, but I figure I need the hours and I need a good grade, so I might as well take it.) I'm trying to get into Literary Criticism, but the teacher has been out of the office and the class did not meet in the scheduled room, so I will have to keep searching for that professor. Right now, Women in Literature is meeting, but they met in a different building as well, which I found out by texting Christian after the class had started and after waiting in the other room for 15 minutes before class started. I'll be skulking about the classroom in about 25 minutes (when the current meeting ends) in an attempt to get into this course. Wish me luck!

I had a bit of a break-down in the parking lot of the BCM this morning, then I went home to take a nap before my next round of chase-the-professor this afternoon. I felt a lot better when I woke... for about an hour. Ugh.

I talked to Jess yesterday, which was really nice.

This weekend was amazing, too, by the way, but I don't feel like typing about it right now.

Oh! I finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close! I know I said I was having a hard time getting into it at first, but towards the end... man. I've never had a book that didn't grab me until the last quarter, but this one did. I couldn't put it down. Lance, I think you would really enjoy it.

I don't want people who want to dance, I want people who have to dance!

William and Harris and I have been eating supper (struggling through supper, rather... they're both very hyper). I finished up and was browsing around myspace while they drank their milk. I left it on T.J.'s page while I put away some of the dinner dishes, and his music was playing. All of a sudden, William stands up in his chair, looks at me, and says "I'm going to dance!" And he does. It was the greatest thing.

I'd be safe and warm if I was in L.A.

Invisible Children! They're coming! Monday at the GUC AT 7:00 and Tuesday at the Well at 7:30. If you live anywhere close to Florence and you have any means to get here, please do. This is really important. It's really important all on it's own, but it's also really important to me, so maybe that can be motivation. I'll be calling a lot of you today and tomorrow to give you more details.

I finally got my advisor hold removed yesterday... so I tried to get my classes this morning so I could attend them today... and it turns out I have a financial hold as well. I wish they'd put that on pipeline before. So I guess I'll start classes Monday? If I don't get in this semester, I'm moving to Fort Walton with Jessica.

Last night I babysat Asa for Lacey; that was fun. She's so spastic and adorable. Jeff and I took her grocery shopping. That was slightly disasterous, but it makes for a fun memory.

I'm so excited about being healthy and active this year!

O snail,
Climb Mount Fuji
But slowly, slowly!

My my my, it's a beautiful world.

I like sleeping with Marie.
She is one sexy girl full of mystery.
She says she doesn't love me, but she likes my company.
For now, that'd good enough for me.

I wonder if you strangers read my journal and think that I'm bipolar or manic-depressive or some other outdated psychological term.

I hope you rememeber the good more often than the bad.

I was re-reading journal entries from New Year's for 2004/2005 and 2005/2006. I've had this thing for quite a while now. We are old friends.

I especially love pandora.com when I have time to really listen to the music.

I can't wait to start cooking.

I am going to do very well this semester.

And if you take of my soul, you can still leave it whole...

Clarissa Explains It All + The Adventures of Pete and Pete + Are You Afraid of the Dark + a big orange couch + an overflowing popcorn bowl + some of the greatest people this side happy?

My Saturday night was wonderful. Yes, we had a SNICK night. T.J., Lindsey, Graham, O'Brian, Jessica, Jonathan, and I got together at my apartment and watched those wonderful shows and had a few drinks and many a laugh. It was amazing. I love you all so so so much.

Earlier that day Graham, Lindsey, T.J., and I went on a short hike through the woods and ended up at the Vietnam Memorial on Montgomery across the street from Mrs. Anders' house. We played some Avett Brothers whilst Lindsey and I danced atop a interesting rock beside an interesting tree until dusk was upon us, then we traisped back home.

I suppose I should update you on the many wonderful things that have transpired since we last chatted about the world in which I live.

We had an open house at my grandmother's house, where I got to hang out with some cousins I hadn't seen in several years; turns out they grew up to be some really cool kids, which makes me happy. Joseph and Charles were great, and I really enjoyed Katie and Ashley, too. Katie is going to be cool as shit one day... her poor parents. I hope they're not taken by surprise. I got to have William and Harris around most of the day, too, which was great. I really like that my family got to meet them; they're a huge part of my life.

For Shareese's birthday, we (Shareese, T.J., Meaghan, Jessica, O'Brian, Jensen, me) went on a short hike to an amazing nature preserve that T.J. found; we picniced over a waterfall. It was incredible. It was so nice to spend time with a group of people that have known me for a long time. There's just something comforting about it.

I attended a New Year's Eve Eve party at Wonderful Wonderful Camp McDowell (by the by, I completed my application for summer staff today!) with Graham, Lindsey, and Wil. I still don't know people there very well, but I still really enjoyed myself. Austin, Allyson, Catherine, and Chris are some great people. I don't really know any of them very well, but I know my life is better for having them in it. I met a lot of new people, too, who I hope to see again soon.

I spent New Year's Eve in Huntsville with some of the coolest cats I've ever met. Jessica, T.J., and I showed up with 15 minutes until 2007. I got to ring in the new year with Lance, Tyler, Jennifer, Thomas, Jennifer, Britni, Mark, Karen, Joe, Patrick, Emily, Jessica, and T.J. It was quite a party. How did I end up with such a great group of friends?

Since I had a party to attend in Birmingham on the second, I road back with Lance&co the next morning and spend the night there. We did some shopping, and I got to hang out with Tyler, which was really nice. The next evening we met up with Lindsey and Graham, then Sarah met us at Surin, where we had sushi with Jennifer, Thomas, Britni, and Karen... it was wonderful.

Hmm, that reminds me... at some point we did midnight sushi... I guess that would have been the 27th? I think... I went to visit Greg, which was wonderful; I love re-connections. After that I joined Jeff, James, Alice, Tyler, and Lance at... that place. What's it called? I think it used to be Sakura's... Anyway, that was really nice and fun. Unless I'm mixing up trips, Jeff and I spent the night at Tyler's then caravaned home in the morning.

So, that is my Christmas break in review. I'm already excited about re-reading this entry years from now, because it is chock full of wonderful. I actually started this documentation of events several days ago, and I'm just now getting around to finishing it... there is more to tell, Reader... always...

I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing.

Anyone perfect must be lying.
Anything easy has its cost.
Anything plain can be lovely;
Anyone loved can be lost.
What if I lost my direction?
What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection?
Maybe the worst is behind...

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on.

Sometimes in the morning, I am petrified and can't move; awake, but cannot open my eyes.

Since when do I live in fear of the future? Since when am I afraid of friendship? When, exactly, did I start worrying about losses I can't predict and certainly can't control? I'm not sure, but it's time to stop this. Sometimes when I'm falling asleep I quietly mourn for pain I have yet to endure, for friendships that have yet to fade, for relationships that cannot end because they have yet to begin. It's time for this to stop.

And the weight is crushing down on my lungs; I know I can't breathe, and I hope someone will save me this time.

Of course, all this ridiculous self-induced stress is bound to take its toll. I have suddenly lost myself. I don't know when I decided I don't deserve to be loved. And what a complete lack of faith on my part! For that, I apologize, because that is a trust issue. I should be able to trust that you love me for me. This is another new development. It applies mostly to new friends. This lack of confidence, this self-doubt, self-loathing... this isn't me.

Crawl back into bed to dream of a time when your heart was open wide, and you loved things just because, like the sick and the dying.

By the way: apathy much? I don't know if you remember, but I used to love everything. Everything! I used to share tears and laughs and joy and grief and whatever else you had to offer. I feel like I've lost that, and I feel like my attempts (of which there haven't been near enough) to remedy this are merely shallow efforts to make myself feel better. How does one get that back? I'm not sure, but I'll work on that, too. This is going to be a rebuilding year for me. It's going to be a good year.

I hope you are as excited about 2007 as I am.

It's Christmas Eve...

Sometimes my family is so cute I can't even stand it. Really.

Right now, I feel like my heart might explode.

The other night, I got totally sappy and sentimental when drinking. I'm really sorry guys; it definitely wasn't my intention. I do want you to know, though, that I meant the things I said (at least what I remember). Next time I tell you how much I love you, though, maybe I won't be intoxicated and half-crying. What a loser.

What has brought on this bought of nostalgia? New friends.

I know, it doesn't even make sense! See, the thing is, I know that there's only going to be room for so many people in the future. Harsh much? Seriously, though, like it or not, that's out there. While I can maintain a great number of friendships now, there's no way I can put this much energy into that many people forever.

That makes it sound like a chore, but it's not not not. I'm not sure how to convey this message. I've posted about this before, though, so maybe you get it, Reader. Or maybe you get it because you get me. I hope so.

Man, I didn't mean to stop the train at Saptown, USA.

Moving on to bigger and brighter things...

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. ... If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

Last night, Lindsey and I watched Love Actually at Aubrey's with him and Chris Jordan and Shawn. Good movie. Today, Lindsey, Meagan, and I went to lunch with Aubrey at Subway. It was great.

Now, I wish you were all here, but I also wish I was alone in the woods some where. If I had the money, I would rent a really really ridiculously big shallet in the mountains. I would drive there, not fly, and I would only pack a tooth brush and perhaps a few good books, and I would make plans to stay for a month, but I'd probably only stay for a week.

It's time for Midnight Mass.

Thanks, Jesus. For everything.

Because I'd like to remember these things about the last year.

01.What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Hmm... I bought alcohol and lottery tickets and I went to Tunica and I smoked salvia and I began to rent my own apartment and I walked to work from where I live

02. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I can't remember any resolutions; that's not to say that I didn't make them, but I guess it implies I didn't keep them.

03. Did someone close to you give birth?
April did! And also Laren, who I don't really talk to, but who I still love very much.

04. Did anyone close to you die?
Mario

05. What countries did you visit?
Several new countries; they're not even on the map yet.

06. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
I wouldn't mind falling madly in love, but I won't be terribly disappointed if that doesn't happen. I'd like to have more structure.

07. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not so good with dates; I can't give guys any grief because it will be me who forgets anniversaries...

08. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
I like to think my work at Camp was worth something; it's really an acheivement by accident, though... mostly it's just fun.

09. What was your biggest failure(s)?
Chaucer; big suprise there, actually...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nah... I don't have time for such nonsense ;)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I'm pretty happy with all the kites I seem to have collected over the past year

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Meagan; turns out she really IS a cool person... amazing, in fact

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Andrew Lang

14. Where did most of your money go?!
Probably to fast food with friends; we really need a new thing to do when we hang out

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My birthday, April's baby, Christmas

16. Anything you dreaded that now seems insignificant?
I was really worried that Andrew might show up at the Christmas party

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder? hmm... sadder, I think, but that's not to say I'm sad now.
ii. thinner or fatter? eh, about the same
iii. richer or poorer? poorer; richer in spirit, though! :)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I'd kissed more people and said I love you more often

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I wish I'd done less sleeping and eating

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Crying some, laughing a lot, and loving my family

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
I fall in love every day :)

23. How many one-night stands?
Several make-out sessions with strangers never to be seen again

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
Little People, Big World

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I still just hate Martha Stewart.

26. What books did u read?
We don't have that kinda time... it's a long list, and there's no way I'd rememeber everything anyway.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh man.... I can't remember which bands were new to me this year... The Middlemen is one group.... the Avett Brothers... Regina Spektor...

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to be finacially stable, and I am :)

29. What did you want and not get?
I wanted a torrid love affair

30. Favorite film of this year?
The Last Kiss; I think that's what it was called... I really can't remember what all I saw this year, but that was a recent one that I really loved

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21, and I went to Tunica with Meaghan and Jessica

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think maybe seeing a shrink would have been a good idea... I might start this year

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Nonexistant

34. What kept you sane?
Jeff for the last couple weeks, Jessica, Lance, Lindsey

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This was a Vince Vaughn year

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Invisible Children

37. Who do you miss?
I still miss Uncle Wade more than I ever thought i would... sometime I still think he's about to show up when we're swimming, and I'm still genuinely suprised sometimes when I remember that he won't be coming out to visit with Aunt Dana and the kids. I missed Morgan and David a lot, too; I was so close to them, and now they're strangers... I miss family in Virgina a lot, especially Grandma.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met so many new people this year! I'm forever grateful for Jeff, but I'm also glad for Tyler, Aubrey, Chris, Little Brian, Kacy, Eric, Luke, Chris Jordan... there are more, I'm sure, but you guys are all pretty fantastic....

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Sometimes it's okay to not be okay

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time...

No matter how upside-down it may temporarily appear...

Even when I'm sad, I'm happy. I hope you know this about me by now.

I've been in a very clingy mood for the last couple weeks; I've been pretty much attached to Jeff's hip. I know I don't deserve to have yet another wonderful soul added to my list of friends, but I'm thankful nevertheless. I love people. I feel like Jamie from Shortbus: "I just want to love everyone! Wait, how can I love everyone?! I don't even know everyone!"

I'm not sure if that's an exact quote, but it's close. It's not, however, a break-through.

I met several of Jeff's friends last week, and they are amazing. I love love love guitars. I love love love people.

Lance and Tyler are coming to see me tomorrow. Rejoice! I'm expecting cuddles, kids. Shareese is back in town. Yessss.

Man, I totally got distracted. Where was I headed?

I don't know. I really don't. I've been in such an odd mood lately. I've been in a really giggly good mood today. I miss this. So thanks for that.

Breakfast with O'Brian, Chris, and Jeff at Sonic was wonderful; I love you three very very very much. I probably don't tell you that often enough.

I'm a little obsessed with "Pretty Girl at the Airport." I was obsessed there for a bit, but it passed, but now it's back. I really really really need some new music in my life. I need music in my car. I need random mixes. I need to be engulfed. I need to buy that record player I've been wanting for a while now.

Here's my horoscope quote from freewillastrology.

You're like an arrow in flight. You're a half-cooked feast, the fifth month of pregnancy, the week before a big election. Have you ever mastered a second language? You resemble the time right before fluency arrives.

When you forget about someone they cease to exist.

How do I even begin to tell you?

Camp was wonderful. Ask me about it.

School is horrible. It's taken me exactly two weeks to completely fuck up a decent semester. Good job, self.

Seriously, though. I might joke about it, but please know I hate myself a little bit right now.

I have my last exam at 8. History of Philosophy. I'd love to study, but I missed the last class and I don't have a study guide. I never bought the text book. I don't take notes.

I really wish my parents would offer to help with my rent or something. I wish I didn't feel like asking them for money was such an ordeal. Not that I need money, especially. I do fine. But I would have more time to devote to school. That's mostly bullshit, though, because I probably wouldn't anyway. Dad gave me a hundred dollars last week, which made me feel special. Then I remembered he and mom owed me a collective 350 for vet bills and books. I still feel special, though.

Yesterday morning I failed my African American Women's Literature test. I failed it miserable. I walked in fairly confident; I probably have a B average in there, and I felt that I had about 75% of the test down easy. Apparently, I was wrong. I've missed two classes since our last test; I studied the material we'd covered, plus works by every female author in the book that we hadn't studied yet. (I didn't buy that book, either, but I looked up the table of contents online, then looked up the writers, poems, and stories.) There was only one single question on the whole test (which was almost entirely short answer) that I know know know I got right.

I didn't have an exam in Chaucer. I did really well (I think) on my Gender Communications exam; it was optional. I needed the points.

I've spent a lot of time at Jeff's apartment recently; I'm probably driving the boys insane. I'm sorry. I feel really loved around you all, so thanks for that. It made me miss dorm living. I love sharing a bed. Jeff is definitely an angel sent personally to save me. Chris is the only reason I smile sometimes, and my mood lifts just to be in his presence. Little Brian is like a younger brother; I feel simultaneous urges to pester him, protect him, kill him, and nurture him.

Yesterday (I think) we watched "Being Julia" (great)/ Tonight we watched "Bridget Jones' Diary" (very good), "Another Gay Movie" (very dumb/gross/funny...ish), and "Invisible Children" (life-altering). I'm going to watch it at least every two weeks. I don't want to forget, but I'm afraid it's already happening. I'm sorry, Tony.

St. Thomas Aquinas, if you read this, please consider it a prayer... or a plea. Not only do I have an exam on you in the morning, you are the patron saint of colleges; I hope maybe you take care of college students, too.

Please don't forget me, Reader. Please.

I know that's selfish, but I'm asking you just the same.

Can't you just see the sunshine? Can't you just feel the moonshine?

Self-analyzation time!

Two things.

One:

I've realized that I identify myself as a virgin a lot. It is something about me, yes, but I've never considered it a defining characteristic of my being. I have not taken any vow, I don't wear a promise ring, and while Jesus may have been the root of my abstinence, He certainly plays no part in my decision to wait now; I have no problems with others who choose to have pre-marital relations, and I have not resigned myself to waiting, either. However, I find that I consistently bring it up in conversations with new people. I don't necessarily go on a tirad or a tangent. It just comes out, not inappropriately, during the conversation at some point. Why? That is the question. The only answer I have thusfar is that perhaps I do value that particular characteristic subconsciously.

Two:

Now, this one is tricky, because I risk de-valuing my friendships by making this observation. That is not the case, though. It is possible for these ulterior motives to work together and not against my friendships. Anyway. I've also begun in the last month or two to identify myself with having a myriad of gay friends. My friend base hasn't actually shifted that greatly, but I've become more vocal about it, almost to the point of annoyance. What bothers me is not that. What bothers me is I think I may be developing an aversion to straight men. That sounds ridiculous. Let me explain. By only embracing or pursuing friendships with gay males or straight women, I am still able to be socially progressive without actually having to engage in any relationship that may develop further. It's like a safety net. Not only will these relationships not progress past intimate friendships, but there will be no one to blame for the "failed" romance; namely, I will not have to hold myself responsible for the lack of attraction, because it is due to a biological factor.

Does that make sense? And this doesn't negate the friendships I have, so please don't think that. I believe I would have pursued the friendships I have regardless... it's just that, perhaps, there are other relationships that I should have pursued as well, but I didn't.

There's always the chance, of course, that I'm simply being over-analytical.

Thoughts?

I'm a slow motion accident.

Old pictures look very rugged and young, and the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.

I just hope I remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as I look in my old photographs. And I hope that they believe me.

Baby, what do you say we just get lost?

Head, Carolina/Tails, California-
Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer
Up in the mountains, down by the ocean, where it don't matter, as long as we're going
Somewhere together!
I've got a quarter- Heads, Carolina/Tails, California...

If God made you, he's in love with me.

I need to remind you of something, Reader. I need you to know how important you are. You. I need you to know that you have changed me. You have inspired me, you have helped me, you have humbled me, you have become a part of me.

You are my companions, my elementary school playmates, my cousins, my long-distance lovers. You are the friend of a friend of a friend. We just talked that one time at that one party for that one minute or two. We used to be close. We are close.

Anyway... thank you.

I'll be lonely, but I know I'll be okay...

...good love is on the way.

Right? Please say that's right.