It's Christmas Eve...

Sometimes my family is so cute I can't even stand it. Really.

Right now, I feel like my heart might explode.

The other night, I got totally sappy and sentimental when drinking. I'm really sorry guys; it definitely wasn't my intention. I do want you to know, though, that I meant the things I said (at least what I remember). Next time I tell you how much I love you, though, maybe I won't be intoxicated and half-crying. What a loser.

What has brought on this bought of nostalgia? New friends.

I know, it doesn't even make sense! See, the thing is, I know that there's only going to be room for so many people in the future. Harsh much? Seriously, though, like it or not, that's out there. While I can maintain a great number of friendships now, there's no way I can put this much energy into that many people forever.

That makes it sound like a chore, but it's not not not. I'm not sure how to convey this message. I've posted about this before, though, so maybe you get it, Reader. Or maybe you get it because you get me. I hope so.

Man, I didn't mean to stop the train at Saptown, USA.

Moving on to bigger and brighter things...

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. ... If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

Last night, Lindsey and I watched Love Actually at Aubrey's with him and Chris Jordan and Shawn. Good movie. Today, Lindsey, Meagan, and I went to lunch with Aubrey at Subway. It was great.

Now, I wish you were all here, but I also wish I was alone in the woods some where. If I had the money, I would rent a really really ridiculously big shallet in the mountains. I would drive there, not fly, and I would only pack a tooth brush and perhaps a few good books, and I would make plans to stay for a month, but I'd probably only stay for a week.

It's time for Midnight Mass.

Thanks, Jesus. For everything.

Because I'd like to remember these things about the last year.

01.What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Hmm... I bought alcohol and lottery tickets and I went to Tunica and I smoked salvia and I began to rent my own apartment and I walked to work from where I live

02. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I can't remember any resolutions; that's not to say that I didn't make them, but I guess it implies I didn't keep them.

03. Did someone close to you give birth?
April did! And also Laren, who I don't really talk to, but who I still love very much.

04. Did anyone close to you die?
Mario

05. What countries did you visit?
Several new countries; they're not even on the map yet.

06. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
I wouldn't mind falling madly in love, but I won't be terribly disappointed if that doesn't happen. I'd like to have more structure.

07. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not so good with dates; I can't give guys any grief because it will be me who forgets anniversaries...

08. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
I like to think my work at Camp was worth something; it's really an acheivement by accident, though... mostly it's just fun.

09. What was your biggest failure(s)?
Chaucer; big suprise there, actually...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nah... I don't have time for such nonsense ;)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I'm pretty happy with all the kites I seem to have collected over the past year

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Meagan; turns out she really IS a cool person... amazing, in fact

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Andrew Lang

14. Where did most of your money go?!
Probably to fast food with friends; we really need a new thing to do when we hang out

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My birthday, April's baby, Christmas

16. Anything you dreaded that now seems insignificant?
I was really worried that Andrew might show up at the Christmas party

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder? hmm... sadder, I think, but that's not to say I'm sad now.
ii. thinner or fatter? eh, about the same
iii. richer or poorer? poorer; richer in spirit, though! :)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I'd kissed more people and said I love you more often

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I wish I'd done less sleeping and eating

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Crying some, laughing a lot, and loving my family

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
I fall in love every day :)

23. How many one-night stands?
Several make-out sessions with strangers never to be seen again

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
Little People, Big World

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I still just hate Martha Stewart.

26. What books did u read?
We don't have that kinda time... it's a long list, and there's no way I'd rememeber everything anyway.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh man.... I can't remember which bands were new to me this year... The Middlemen is one group.... the Avett Brothers... Regina Spektor...

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to be finacially stable, and I am :)

29. What did you want and not get?
I wanted a torrid love affair

30. Favorite film of this year?
The Last Kiss; I think that's what it was called... I really can't remember what all I saw this year, but that was a recent one that I really loved

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21, and I went to Tunica with Meaghan and Jessica

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think maybe seeing a shrink would have been a good idea... I might start this year

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Nonexistant

34. What kept you sane?
Jeff for the last couple weeks, Jessica, Lance, Lindsey

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This was a Vince Vaughn year

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Invisible Children

37. Who do you miss?
I still miss Uncle Wade more than I ever thought i would... sometime I still think he's about to show up when we're swimming, and I'm still genuinely suprised sometimes when I remember that he won't be coming out to visit with Aunt Dana and the kids. I missed Morgan and David a lot, too; I was so close to them, and now they're strangers... I miss family in Virgina a lot, especially Grandma.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met so many new people this year! I'm forever grateful for Jeff, but I'm also glad for Tyler, Aubrey, Chris, Little Brian, Kacy, Eric, Luke, Chris Jordan... there are more, I'm sure, but you guys are all pretty fantastic....

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Sometimes it's okay to not be okay

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time...

No matter how upside-down it may temporarily appear...

Even when I'm sad, I'm happy. I hope you know this about me by now.

I've been in a very clingy mood for the last couple weeks; I've been pretty much attached to Jeff's hip. I know I don't deserve to have yet another wonderful soul added to my list of friends, but I'm thankful nevertheless. I love people. I feel like Jamie from Shortbus: "I just want to love everyone! Wait, how can I love everyone?! I don't even know everyone!"

I'm not sure if that's an exact quote, but it's close. It's not, however, a break-through.

I met several of Jeff's friends last week, and they are amazing. I love love love guitars. I love love love people.

Lance and Tyler are coming to see me tomorrow. Rejoice! I'm expecting cuddles, kids. Shareese is back in town. Yessss.

Man, I totally got distracted. Where was I headed?

I don't know. I really don't. I've been in such an odd mood lately. I've been in a really giggly good mood today. I miss this. So thanks for that.

Breakfast with O'Brian, Chris, and Jeff at Sonic was wonderful; I love you three very very very much. I probably don't tell you that often enough.

I'm a little obsessed with "Pretty Girl at the Airport." I was obsessed there for a bit, but it passed, but now it's back. I really really really need some new music in my life. I need music in my car. I need random mixes. I need to be engulfed. I need to buy that record player I've been wanting for a while now.

Here's my horoscope quote from freewillastrology.

You're like an arrow in flight. You're a half-cooked feast, the fifth month of pregnancy, the week before a big election. Have you ever mastered a second language? You resemble the time right before fluency arrives.

When you forget about someone they cease to exist.

How do I even begin to tell you?

Camp was wonderful. Ask me about it.

School is horrible. It's taken me exactly two weeks to completely fuck up a decent semester. Good job, self.

Seriously, though. I might joke about it, but please know I hate myself a little bit right now.

I have my last exam at 8. History of Philosophy. I'd love to study, but I missed the last class and I don't have a study guide. I never bought the text book. I don't take notes.

I really wish my parents would offer to help with my rent or something. I wish I didn't feel like asking them for money was such an ordeal. Not that I need money, especially. I do fine. But I would have more time to devote to school. That's mostly bullshit, though, because I probably wouldn't anyway. Dad gave me a hundred dollars last week, which made me feel special. Then I remembered he and mom owed me a collective 350 for vet bills and books. I still feel special, though.

Yesterday morning I failed my African American Women's Literature test. I failed it miserable. I walked in fairly confident; I probably have a B average in there, and I felt that I had about 75% of the test down easy. Apparently, I was wrong. I've missed two classes since our last test; I studied the material we'd covered, plus works by every female author in the book that we hadn't studied yet. (I didn't buy that book, either, but I looked up the table of contents online, then looked up the writers, poems, and stories.) There was only one single question on the whole test (which was almost entirely short answer) that I know know know I got right.

I didn't have an exam in Chaucer. I did really well (I think) on my Gender Communications exam; it was optional. I needed the points.

I've spent a lot of time at Jeff's apartment recently; I'm probably driving the boys insane. I'm sorry. I feel really loved around you all, so thanks for that. It made me miss dorm living. I love sharing a bed. Jeff is definitely an angel sent personally to save me. Chris is the only reason I smile sometimes, and my mood lifts just to be in his presence. Little Brian is like a younger brother; I feel simultaneous urges to pester him, protect him, kill him, and nurture him.

Yesterday (I think) we watched "Being Julia" (great)/ Tonight we watched "Bridget Jones' Diary" (very good), "Another Gay Movie" (very dumb/gross/funny...ish), and "Invisible Children" (life-altering). I'm going to watch it at least every two weeks. I don't want to forget, but I'm afraid it's already happening. I'm sorry, Tony.

St. Thomas Aquinas, if you read this, please consider it a prayer... or a plea. Not only do I have an exam on you in the morning, you are the patron saint of colleges; I hope maybe you take care of college students, too.

Please don't forget me, Reader. Please.

I know that's selfish, but I'm asking you just the same.

Can't you just see the sunshine? Can't you just feel the moonshine?

Self-analyzation time!

Two things.

One:

I've realized that I identify myself as a virgin a lot. It is something about me, yes, but I've never considered it a defining characteristic of my being. I have not taken any vow, I don't wear a promise ring, and while Jesus may have been the root of my abstinence, He certainly plays no part in my decision to wait now; I have no problems with others who choose to have pre-marital relations, and I have not resigned myself to waiting, either. However, I find that I consistently bring it up in conversations with new people. I don't necessarily go on a tirad or a tangent. It just comes out, not inappropriately, during the conversation at some point. Why? That is the question. The only answer I have thusfar is that perhaps I do value that particular characteristic subconsciously.

Two:

Now, this one is tricky, because I risk de-valuing my friendships by making this observation. That is not the case, though. It is possible for these ulterior motives to work together and not against my friendships. Anyway. I've also begun in the last month or two to identify myself with having a myriad of gay friends. My friend base hasn't actually shifted that greatly, but I've become more vocal about it, almost to the point of annoyance. What bothers me is not that. What bothers me is I think I may be developing an aversion to straight men. That sounds ridiculous. Let me explain. By only embracing or pursuing friendships with gay males or straight women, I am still able to be socially progressive without actually having to engage in any relationship that may develop further. It's like a safety net. Not only will these relationships not progress past intimate friendships, but there will be no one to blame for the "failed" romance; namely, I will not have to hold myself responsible for the lack of attraction, because it is due to a biological factor.

Does that make sense? And this doesn't negate the friendships I have, so please don't think that. I believe I would have pursued the friendships I have regardless... it's just that, perhaps, there are other relationships that I should have pursued as well, but I didn't.

There's always the chance, of course, that I'm simply being over-analytical.

Thoughts?

I'm a slow motion accident.

Old pictures look very rugged and young, and the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.

I just hope I remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as I look in my old photographs. And I hope that they believe me.

Baby, what do you say we just get lost?

Head, Carolina/Tails, California-
Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer
Up in the mountains, down by the ocean, where it don't matter, as long as we're going
Somewhere together!
I've got a quarter- Heads, Carolina/Tails, California...

If God made you, he's in love with me.

I need to remind you of something, Reader. I need you to know how important you are. You. I need you to know that you have changed me. You have inspired me, you have helped me, you have humbled me, you have become a part of me.

You are my companions, my elementary school playmates, my cousins, my long-distance lovers. You are the friend of a friend of a friend. We just talked that one time at that one party for that one minute or two. We used to be close. We are close.

Anyway... thank you.

I'll be lonely, but I know I'll be okay...

...good love is on the way.

Right? Please say that's right.