And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on.

Sometimes in the morning, I am petrified and can't move; awake, but cannot open my eyes.

Since when do I live in fear of the future? Since when am I afraid of friendship? When, exactly, did I start worrying about losses I can't predict and certainly can't control? I'm not sure, but it's time to stop this. Sometimes when I'm falling asleep I quietly mourn for pain I have yet to endure, for friendships that have yet to fade, for relationships that cannot end because they have yet to begin. It's time for this to stop.

And the weight is crushing down on my lungs; I know I can't breathe, and I hope someone will save me this time.

Of course, all this ridiculous self-induced stress is bound to take its toll. I have suddenly lost myself. I don't know when I decided I don't deserve to be loved. And what a complete lack of faith on my part! For that, I apologize, because that is a trust issue. I should be able to trust that you love me for me. This is another new development. It applies mostly to new friends. This lack of confidence, this self-doubt, self-loathing... this isn't me.

Crawl back into bed to dream of a time when your heart was open wide, and you loved things just because, like the sick and the dying.

By the way: apathy much? I don't know if you remember, but I used to love everything. Everything! I used to share tears and laughs and joy and grief and whatever else you had to offer. I feel like I've lost that, and I feel like my attempts (of which there haven't been near enough) to remedy this are merely shallow efforts to make myself feel better. How does one get that back? I'm not sure, but I'll work on that, too. This is going to be a rebuilding year for me. It's going to be a good year.

I hope you are as excited about 2007 as I am.