But I... I'll kiss your head...

Well well, I had a bitchy and morose blog all planned out, but alas, a few simple words of praise from a rather intimdating teacher, and I'm much too happy to really sink in my teeth and do that sad blog justice.

As it is, I'm going to tell you some of the goings on inside me, but from views of contemplation as opposed to depression.

I keep bouncing from cloud to cloud, some thunderous and scary and others light and lovely and each one more intense than the last. I feel like I'm not doing what I need to do to make people happy, and I'm not sure if I don't know how to fix things or I'm just not willing to know how to fix things, and either one is rather diappointing. I'm digging into several relationships right now, some new and others not new, but not yet fully explored, I think, and I want to know these best friends better. In doing that, though, I believe I'm pushing people out. It's not a tossed out the back door kind of push, but a slow pressure, like when you're slowly shoved to the back of a crowd in a concert and you're not sure how you ended up so far from the stage. I think I'm being pushed a little my self, actually, and I'm not sure why.

I'm scared about everything right now. I'm worried about this summer, I'm worried about next semester, I'm worried about graduating, I'm worried about my friends graduating, I'm worried about... lots. I'm terrified to leave William and Harris, but I do know it's the right thing to do for me now, and there's some (though not much) comfort in that. I'm incredibly anxious about working at Camp this summer, but I'm also feeling rather selfish, and I'm not sure that I'm ready to open my heart to anyone else when I can't even hang on to the people I've got.

I'm also elated about this summer, of course, and excited about next semester and graduation. Don't you even for a second think that I am not a happy girl, Reader, because I am I am I am. I have so much! And I don't mean I have so much like "I counted my blessings and I realize I have more than I deserve" (which is true, but I did not employ list making in this evaluation). Not a day goes past that I don't have a moment or two (or three or four, some days) where I feel like my heart will finally give a loud burp of contentment and give out, having exhausted itself with all the loving and being loved. I'm even in a good mood now, but I need these things out of me lest they continue to fester. Fester. What an ugly word.

Le sigh.

There's a lot to tell you about since my last entry, but I need to go cash a check and then head to the gym for a bit. I will tell you that Lynn Butler told me after class today that I was one of her stars, that I had really shown this semester and impressed her. She said I had a wonderful grasp of language and an good eye for observation. I beamed. I still smile to think about it. I'll have a portolio soon. How exciting is that?