Just keep me where the light is...

My friend Lance posted this in his journal a while ago, and I thought some of you might appreciate it.

on my way back from pc today i passed a sign that said "go to church or the devil will get you." you can imagine my initial knee-jerk reaction, but you know, maybe they just got lazy and didn't have enough room to write: "its probably a good idea if you go to church because it provides a medium for introspection so you can examine your life and see if you are living up to your own morals and expectations and determine what changes you need to make to become a better person." but, you see, it takes up less space to write the former, so sometimes you just have to make things simpler. so now if i hear people say things like that or see signs and such i'll just smile and choose to think that they are only looking out for people

I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I. Thanks for letting me share, Lancepants. I love you very much.

And would you fuck me? Because I'd fuck me.

Yesterday was a pretty great day. I took the boys to BAM, where we got to play with Jessica some, and I read another chapter of Dry by Augusten Burroughs. (Just now, I went here to see if I was spelling his name correctly, I stumbled across his blog.) After work I went to BBBS, where I met Jessica, my new little! She's 8 years old and wonderful. I took her to Park Blvd. to visit with the dogs and cats; we really didn't do much except visit, but that was pretty wonderful. She has a little brother who is just to die for- amazing. I'm really excited about this match. Nikki, my little of last, moved away without telling me... her parents were awful... I hope she ends up okay.

While at my parents' house, I finally got two books I'd ordered forever ago! A Softer World: Truth and Beauty Bombs and Legitimate Art: An Animals Have Problems Too Collection. At some point last year, Jessica gave me Toothpaste for Dinner: Hipsters, Hamsters, and Other Pressing Issues book... so I now have three books based off web comics. What a loser.

Last night was fairly unproductive, and I went to bed at 10 or so. Crazy. Now I'm passing time before my Freshman Composition class. I suppose I could be working on a rough draft essay due in Nature Writing at 1, but then I'd have nothing to do during Freshman Comp. ... today's lesson is on the concluding paragraph of a five paragraph essay... a whole class... about the closing...

Anyway, instead of paying attention to that, I'll be working on a paper that is inspired by this quote from Thoreau:

A single gentle rain makes the grass many shades greener. So our prospects brighten on the influx of better thoughts. We should be blessed if we lived in the present always, and took advantage of every accident that befell us, like the grass which confesses the influence of hte slightest dew that falls o it; adn did not spend out time atoning for the neglect of past opportunities, which we call doing our duty. We loiter in winter while it is already spring. In a pleasant spring morning all men's sins are forgiven.

I think that's lovely. In nature writing we've touched quite a bit on synchronicity, and I've fallen in love with the term. My most recent encounter with this lovely phenomenon: Sunday, Jess, O'Brian, Lance, Tyler, and I ate at Cracker Barrel, and Jess and I put our table name as Thoreau; I got this assignment the next day. I'm waiting for a third occurrence.

Speaking of things I'm in love with at the moment: the new "generous nation" campaign by the ad council. You've probably heard the commercials on the radio... the line is "Don't almost give- give." They sure got us on this one, kids... how many times a day do we almost do things? I've probably posted about 30 different things I plan to do, but I haven't done them yet. I feel like every time the ad comes on television, they are talking to me. And they are. And they're right. They've got me pegged. As a personal favor, would you please help keep me accountable? I don't want any more almost giving in my life. I don't want any more almost givings or almost I-love-yous.

Call the police and call the press, but please, dear God, don't tell my friends...

In Literary Criticism, we recently read some Dante, and he mentioned a greeting used by scholars of the time:

I wish you a tragic beginning and a comic ending.

A tragedy is a work with a wonderful beginning and a sorrowful conclusion. A comedy is a work with a disaterous beginning and a happy conclusion. And so this strange greeting works. And this is what I wish you for, Reader.

You Are Almost Everything - My sacred advertisement this week.

You taste delicious

Animals understand you

Your importance is unusual

The funny faces you make are interesting to look at

You fight for power in all the right ways

Gratitude pours out of you

You have strong feet

No one can overflow as well as you can

You are famous with God

A lost tribe salutes you from the other side of the veil

You belong to yourself

If you've got the patience, celebrate the ancients!

THIS makes sense!

Life is so good!

I don't hide every time I'm seen- but I try not to get caught.

So this morning I have been more scatterbrained than usual, and it's highly frustrating. A partner and I lead the discussion on a piece by Dante we just read in Literary Criticism- by lead the discussion, I mean the professor talked for 43 minutes before asking us to hash over any high points of the reading in our remaining seven minutes. There's no missing the readings in this class... I doubt most of our assignments can be found on sparknotes or wikipedia, and we have to write about them every morning. Overall, I like the class thusfar.

Today we begin Spanglish; should be fun. I also have an appointment with the OB-GYN this afternoon; I thought my appointment was for this morning and I would have to reschedule, but when I called to do so, I found that I was mistaken. I'm not sure if I'm on the insurance or not; Dad's supposed to call me about that. I hope so, because I need to go today. I also need to see a dentist and an optometrist.

Jeff and I went to Pizza Hut last night, where I thought I saw Micah, though I'm not sure. I hope it wasn't him, because we didn't speak, and I wouldn't want him to think I intentionally ignored him (because I wouldn't do that). Speaking of ex-bfs, I've been kinda missing Stephen this past week or few. From what I've read, he seems to discount our relationship, which is unfortunate. I don't know if I miss him, specifically, or if I miss that heavy in-love feeling of the first few weeks of a relationship... those few days when you can't stop thinking about someone, and even though it may not be permanent, you know it's going to last than a week.

Next I have Freshman Composition. Exciting, right? Last class we discussed third person versus first person and the difference between "its" and "'it's." I'm not complaining, mind you... I'm glad to have an easy course. It's just... mind-boggling in its simplicity.

We're heading to Birmingham Friday night (we being Jeff, O'Brian, and I). It's gonna be a fun weekend. In a mostly unrelated topic, I wouldn't mind being inebriated right now.

It's better than bad- it's good!

I had my first Literary Criticism course today. I was a bit intimidated, having missed the first four classes, but everything was great. I had done the readings, so the quiz was no problem. I didn't participate in the dicussion as much as I might in the coming weeks.

Soon, this block from 11-12 will be spent at the gym; I was going to go walk there today, but I forgot you have to wear tennis shoes... I have to buy some socks. Ugh. I love flip-flops.

Next I'm going to Freshman Comp. where I will probably spend 50 minutes working on an essay that's due Wednesday. Topics to choose from included "Three Unexpected Suprises on a Vacation Trip," "Where I Would Be If I Weren't In College," and "A Favorite Teen 'Hangout.'" I wrote an essay on the first topic last class, but I think I'm going to do the second one. I wanted to write about the sea turtle this summer and our trek to the gas station, but I think those stories would better serve a different type of essay; now, where would I be if I weren't in college? And should I write about what I would have done had I never attended college, or where I'd go right this moment if I dropped out? Options, options...

After that I have Nature Writing, which I really enjoy thusfar. Our assignment for this class is to find and describe a bird; as you may or may not know, it is winter, and birds are rather scarce now. I hear birds from time to time, but I've wandered about campus without seeing any this morning. I'm about to go look again...

Lastly I have Images Of Women In Literature; today will be my first day (it meets Monday and Wednesday). We're reading To Kill a Mockingbird, which is exciting and helpful because I've read it half a dozen times. Next class we're watching Spanglish, and after that, Clueless. Hmm.

Yesterday Graham and I saw Stranger Than Fiction. I loved it. It's been a long time since I saw a movie that wasn't laugh outloud funny or chock-full of meaning or ridiculously morose. It was just an overall good movie; Will Ferrel was amazing, and of course Maggie Gyllenhaal... I would marry her in an instant. That evening Jessica and I saw The Fountain, which I didn't like at all. It was to jumpy and it was emotional but I didn't really get attached to the characters, so I felt like I should have been sad a lot more than I was. I don't think it was well put-together, though I imagine the book (if there is a book) is fantastic. That night I watched Girls Will Be Girls with Jeff. It was entertaining... I wouldn't watch it over and over, but it's worth seeing. It's probably funnier if you're drunk.

Maybe tomorrow I'm going to Tuscaloosa, even thought I absolutely cannot miss class Wednesday, and would therefore have to leave that morning by 6am. Maybe.

...but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world.

Today was a lovely lazy Saturday. Sometimes lazy Saturdays make me feel wasteful and indulgent, but this one has left me feeling rested.

I spent the morning at the house, then brought Jeff some lunch at the rec, where I spent the greater part of the day, made a Subway run, then came here to babysit. We had a nice and uneventful night; now the boys are asleep and I'm about to do some reading for Literary Criticism. Here's hoping it's interesting!

Last night Jeff, Jessica, Matt, and I saw Running With Scissors; it was thoroughly disappointing. Knowing that it lasted perhaps a week in big city theatres and went straight to Hickory Hills here, I wasn't expecting much, but, I thought that it might be better having read the book. I figured the reason it bombed was plot-line confusion and whatnot, because so much happens in the book and it's all a bit jumbled... however, I was mistaken on both accounts. It wasn't better, and it wasn't jumbled. Just... horrible.

Something not horrible? Reading a book with friends. I don't know if I can fully express how much I like that the three of us read this book. It makes me want to join a book club... no, I'm not kidding.

Afterwards we ate at Riverside, and soon after we retired. Jessica slept at my apartment; she woke me up at the ungodly hour of 9... okay, maybe ungodly is a bit drastic, but it was rather early for a Saturday morning after a late Friday night. :)

I might try out for a play at the Zodiac tomorrow. I was reading the paper two days ago and there's was a "what's going on in the Shoals" section which included the audition information. It's just a cold reading of the script: Death By Chocolate. Let's see if I can work up the nerve to act on this impulse.

Oh, I saw American Beauty finally. The title is my favorite part. Also, just beauty in general...

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

They're onto something, kids.

Am I losing my mind?

...am I growing backwards through time?

The years go on, and we're still fighting it...

I just got rejected in a major way. Harris totally dissed me for Jeff. It was pretty harsh. I'm being blithe, but seriously... I'm a little wounded.

I'm registered! Hurray! I'm even excited about most of my classes! I'm not very excited about Literary Criticism, but I'm very excited about Images of Women in Literature (which I have with Christian, and I'm excited about that) and Nature Writing. I'm also very excited about Freshman Composition, believe it or not.

Today I had a breif conversation that was completely textbook. I mean, straight out of Gender Communications. It was ridiculous. Thing is, knowing how and why we interact doesn't really change the interactions, which sucks. It just means that I don't get angry because I've analyzed why I'm getting angry and realized that it's unproductive and really no fault of either party. However, that doesn't stop the anger, it just gives it no outet. Except I'm not an angry person, generally, and I was upset about a million other things. Anyway, just really interesting... I think that class should be required. The only two classes I've had that I see practical applications for in every day life are that and psychology; perhaps sociology, but I think that's a shaky science at best.

Tonight I took William and Harris to McDonald's, and we had a really nice time; Jeff came, too. After much playing and running about, we went to BAM, which was also nice. We read and saw Jessica and played with the train. They got to bed a little later than usual; maybe they'll sleep late tomorrow.

While running around campus this afternoon, I helped three different people find buildings, including two exchange students and an older woman (I walked with her). While I'm less and less a believer in fate of any type, I definitely believe a reason happens for everything. I think these people would have found their way if I'd been in class as I should have been; however, because I wasn't, I'm glad that the powers that be decided to use me, because it really helped brighten my day.

They come knocking at your door with that look in their eyes...

I think it's high time I slipped into despair or coasted into euphoria. My life of late seems to be so extreme.

Monday night saw us waiting excitedly for Invisible Children, only to find that through some mishap or miscommunication they were not, in fact, screening the video. Most of the day had been spent in giddy anticipation of the event; I was ready to share this video with friends and to meet the people touring Alabama. Instead, we sat outside the GUC in the rain scrambling to find some sort of explanation for the dark halls and locked doors. It was... disappointing, to say the least.

Aubrey then said we should eat at Riverside, which is an all-night dinner here in Florence (which I want to frequent more often). Jessica, Jeff, Graham, Chris, Chris Jordan, and I had dinner there, then went back to my apartment (sans Chris Jordan and Graham, plus O'Brian) and made lemon bars for Jeff's birthday and played Twister Moves. And so I jumped back up- it's very difficult to stay mopey among friends as good as mine. It was amazing and wonderful and fun; it's the kind of event that usually plays at the end of a goofy movie for kids while the credits role and some song about friendship slowly fades in as the scene fades out.

I worked Tuesday, then got my oil changed and ran a few errands with Jeff. We went to The Well to see the Invisible Children there, but we were once again let down. Apparently posters reading "IC at 7" were delivering a message I failed to decode in time: Worship and singing at 7, IC in the youth room whenever we're finished. Jeff and I stayed for a little bit (enough to find this out and see the preview for Invisible Children), then headed back to his apartment. I was so uncomfortable there! I could stomach that kind of service, and maybe even enjoy it, if I was there with friends who valued this type of worship; then it would be more about my friends than the actual material, and I can do that. But that wasn't the case, and so I was glad to be rid of the place. We went home and had quiche and watched Avatar with Chris. Later we watched Bent, which is one of the most depressing gay Nazi films I've ever seen- granted, it is the only gay Nazi film I've seen, but I would wager that it would still be at the top if the list was longer.

This morning I've been jumping through hoops trying to get registered; so far I'm in two classes. I'm very excited about Nature Writing, which I attended this afternoon. I'm also in Freshman Composition, which should be interesting. (At BSC, I was put into the next level because of my entrance essay. Because there was no actual test and because BSC didn't give credit for the freshman course, I have to take it here... even while I'm in 400 level classes. Funny, right? I could have taken a test here, but I figure I need the hours and I need a good grade, so I might as well take it.) I'm trying to get into Literary Criticism, but the teacher has been out of the office and the class did not meet in the scheduled room, so I will have to keep searching for that professor. Right now, Women in Literature is meeting, but they met in a different building as well, which I found out by texting Christian after the class had started and after waiting in the other room for 15 minutes before class started. I'll be skulking about the classroom in about 25 minutes (when the current meeting ends) in an attempt to get into this course. Wish me luck!

I had a bit of a break-down in the parking lot of the BCM this morning, then I went home to take a nap before my next round of chase-the-professor this afternoon. I felt a lot better when I woke... for about an hour. Ugh.

I talked to Jess yesterday, which was really nice.

This weekend was amazing, too, by the way, but I don't feel like typing about it right now.

Oh! I finished Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close! I know I said I was having a hard time getting into it at first, but towards the end... man. I've never had a book that didn't grab me until the last quarter, but this one did. I couldn't put it down. Lance, I think you would really enjoy it.

I don't want people who want to dance, I want people who have to dance!

William and Harris and I have been eating supper (struggling through supper, rather... they're both very hyper). I finished up and was browsing around myspace while they drank their milk. I left it on T.J.'s page while I put away some of the dinner dishes, and his music was playing. All of a sudden, William stands up in his chair, looks at me, and says "I'm going to dance!" And he does. It was the greatest thing.

I'd be safe and warm if I was in L.A.

Invisible Children! They're coming! Monday at the GUC AT 7:00 and Tuesday at the Well at 7:30. If you live anywhere close to Florence and you have any means to get here, please do. This is really important. It's really important all on it's own, but it's also really important to me, so maybe that can be motivation. I'll be calling a lot of you today and tomorrow to give you more details.

I finally got my advisor hold removed yesterday... so I tried to get my classes this morning so I could attend them today... and it turns out I have a financial hold as well. I wish they'd put that on pipeline before. So I guess I'll start classes Monday? If I don't get in this semester, I'm moving to Fort Walton with Jessica.

Last night I babysat Asa for Lacey; that was fun. She's so spastic and adorable. Jeff and I took her grocery shopping. That was slightly disasterous, but it makes for a fun memory.

I'm so excited about being healthy and active this year!

O snail,
Climb Mount Fuji
But slowly, slowly!

My my my, it's a beautiful world.

I like sleeping with Marie.
She is one sexy girl full of mystery.
She says she doesn't love me, but she likes my company.
For now, that'd good enough for me.

I wonder if you strangers read my journal and think that I'm bipolar or manic-depressive or some other outdated psychological term.

I hope you rememeber the good more often than the bad.

I was re-reading journal entries from New Year's for 2004/2005 and 2005/2006. I've had this thing for quite a while now. We are old friends.

I especially love pandora.com when I have time to really listen to the music.

I can't wait to start cooking.

I am going to do very well this semester.

And if you take of my soul, you can still leave it whole...

Clarissa Explains It All + The Adventures of Pete and Pete + Are You Afraid of the Dark + a big orange couch + an overflowing popcorn bowl + some of the greatest people this side happy?

My Saturday night was wonderful. Yes, we had a SNICK night. T.J., Lindsey, Graham, O'Brian, Jessica, Jonathan, and I got together at my apartment and watched those wonderful shows and had a few drinks and many a laugh. It was amazing. I love you all so so so much.

Earlier that day Graham, Lindsey, T.J., and I went on a short hike through the woods and ended up at the Vietnam Memorial on Montgomery across the street from Mrs. Anders' house. We played some Avett Brothers whilst Lindsey and I danced atop a interesting rock beside an interesting tree until dusk was upon us, then we traisped back home.

I suppose I should update you on the many wonderful things that have transpired since we last chatted about the world in which I live.

We had an open house at my grandmother's house, where I got to hang out with some cousins I hadn't seen in several years; turns out they grew up to be some really cool kids, which makes me happy. Joseph and Charles were great, and I really enjoyed Katie and Ashley, too. Katie is going to be cool as shit one day... her poor parents. I hope they're not taken by surprise. I got to have William and Harris around most of the day, too, which was great. I really like that my family got to meet them; they're a huge part of my life.

For Shareese's birthday, we (Shareese, T.J., Meaghan, Jessica, O'Brian, Jensen, me) went on a short hike to an amazing nature preserve that T.J. found; we picniced over a waterfall. It was incredible. It was so nice to spend time with a group of people that have known me for a long time. There's just something comforting about it.

I attended a New Year's Eve Eve party at Wonderful Wonderful Camp McDowell (by the by, I completed my application for summer staff today!) with Graham, Lindsey, and Wil. I still don't know people there very well, but I still really enjoyed myself. Austin, Allyson, Catherine, and Chris are some great people. I don't really know any of them very well, but I know my life is better for having them in it. I met a lot of new people, too, who I hope to see again soon.

I spent New Year's Eve in Huntsville with some of the coolest cats I've ever met. Jessica, T.J., and I showed up with 15 minutes until 2007. I got to ring in the new year with Lance, Tyler, Jennifer, Thomas, Jennifer, Britni, Mark, Karen, Joe, Patrick, Emily, Jessica, and T.J. It was quite a party. How did I end up with such a great group of friends?

Since I had a party to attend in Birmingham on the second, I road back with Lance&co the next morning and spend the night there. We did some shopping, and I got to hang out with Tyler, which was really nice. The next evening we met up with Lindsey and Graham, then Sarah met us at Surin, where we had sushi with Jennifer, Thomas, Britni, and Karen... it was wonderful.

Hmm, that reminds me... at some point we did midnight sushi... I guess that would have been the 27th? I think... I went to visit Greg, which was wonderful; I love re-connections. After that I joined Jeff, James, Alice, Tyler, and Lance at... that place. What's it called? I think it used to be Sakura's... Anyway, that was really nice and fun. Unless I'm mixing up trips, Jeff and I spent the night at Tyler's then caravaned home in the morning.

So, that is my Christmas break in review. I'm already excited about re-reading this entry years from now, because it is chock full of wonderful. I actually started this documentation of events several days ago, and I'm just now getting around to finishing it... there is more to tell, Reader... always...

I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing.

Anyone perfect must be lying.
Anything easy has its cost.
Anything plain can be lovely;
Anyone loved can be lost.
What if I lost my direction?
What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection?
Maybe the worst is behind...

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on.

Sometimes in the morning, I am petrified and can't move; awake, but cannot open my eyes.

Since when do I live in fear of the future? Since when am I afraid of friendship? When, exactly, did I start worrying about losses I can't predict and certainly can't control? I'm not sure, but it's time to stop this. Sometimes when I'm falling asleep I quietly mourn for pain I have yet to endure, for friendships that have yet to fade, for relationships that cannot end because they have yet to begin. It's time for this to stop.

And the weight is crushing down on my lungs; I know I can't breathe, and I hope someone will save me this time.

Of course, all this ridiculous self-induced stress is bound to take its toll. I have suddenly lost myself. I don't know when I decided I don't deserve to be loved. And what a complete lack of faith on my part! For that, I apologize, because that is a trust issue. I should be able to trust that you love me for me. This is another new development. It applies mostly to new friends. This lack of confidence, this self-doubt, self-loathing... this isn't me.

Crawl back into bed to dream of a time when your heart was open wide, and you loved things just because, like the sick and the dying.

By the way: apathy much? I don't know if you remember, but I used to love everything. Everything! I used to share tears and laughs and joy and grief and whatever else you had to offer. I feel like I've lost that, and I feel like my attempts (of which there haven't been near enough) to remedy this are merely shallow efforts to make myself feel better. How does one get that back? I'm not sure, but I'll work on that, too. This is going to be a rebuilding year for me. It's going to be a good year.

I hope you are as excited about 2007 as I am.