Girl, tonight we're gonna make love. You know how I know, baby?

'Cause it's Wednesday.

Cause that's all that you'll get, so you'll have to accept you are here, then you're gone...

Meagan's team lost this morning, so I'm caught sniffling here in the library at school. While high school sports have not been a major concern of mine in some years, Meagan is and always will be at the top of my list, and I didn't get to see her last game. I was fairly confident they'd be playing in the finals Friday, and I made plans to be there. I wish I could have seen her play today. I know she was amazing.

I have more to say, but I'm a bit distraught and I don't have much time before my next class. Thank you so so much for reading my paper, guys. I really didn't expect any feedback because I know it can be a pain to turn a quick update into a mini-English class, but really appreciate your comments. I've made a few adjustments, and I feel a lot more confident after your wonderful words. Careful, though, because I'm going to start counting on you. :) I have another paper here, so if you would, pretty please? Feel free to make whatever critics you want; I might not follow your advice, mind you, but it never hurts to revist a passage. Even if you don't know what exactly it is, or if it's just a paragraph that read funny or a word that tripped you up, let me know. I'm a lot more self-conscious about this particular piece because it's my first attempt at a segmented essay, and I'm not sure if I did it well. Anyway, let me know, if you get the chance!

I'm off to gather sources for a 10 page paper on the effect of black female authors on the American women's movement!

You're going to turn around very slowly and you're going to touch the floor for my viewing pleasure.

And now, for your viewing pleasure: a paper!

Now, I know that most of you will not read the paper, much less click the link, and that's very okay, because I know you're at least as busy as I. However, if you do happen to have a free moment and would like to offer any constructive criticism, I'd appreciate it. I've only re-read it once, so I'm sure it needs a lot of cleaning up, but I'll do that soon enough. I'll probably post another paper or two today as well. I would like you to read them, but that's the secondary purpose of these posts- mostly, I would like to have these at my fingertips when I need them. I didn't make much effort to save my papers from high school, and that may be for the best in some cases, but some of those essays weren't half bad, and I think I could greatly improve them now.

Samson. What a song. What a brilliant beautiful sad sweet song! *swoon*

A new title I've come to apply to myself: alliteration advocate. That's taken from a friend from AGS loooong ago; I stumbled upon her page the other day, and there it was, calling my name. I hope you, too, will don the title and wear it proudly.

I wasted a lot of time stressing about Literary Criticism this weekend, and it turns out I lead the discussion Wednesday (not today, as I though). We read an essay by Viktor Schlovsky today; it was quite interesting, though a bit redundant, as many of the essayists we've read seem to be. My favorite part of the whole essay? The last lines: "But I will not discuss rhythm in more detail since I intend to write a book about it." How fantastic! I want to right essays that end in such confident assertions. Anyway, it amused me.

We were strangers in the night, up to the moment when we said our first hello...

Home again, home again! as my grandmother says. Updates, updates, for those who are curious (so... for me, in a few months when I re-read this, I suppose). It took us about 10 hours to get to San Destin Thursday; not only did we take the longer route, but we traveled with a 3 year old, so we had to make bathroom stops rather frequently. The trip was nice; the ocean was beautiful. The highlight of the trip was, of course, seeing Jessica Friday. We got to spend some time alone together whilst the boys napped and Rosario was with them; we also hit the pools and hot tubs. Later we played in the sand with the kids; I've got a lovely little piece I started writing on the way home about that. Also noteworthy: talking to Lance while he watched us on the beach through a webcam. Creepy, right? It's not as creepy as it sounds, because you can't actually tell who people are (or so says the Lance... he's probably just trying to look less stalkerish, though).

Yesterday I started my period early, which is odd; I'm almost always irregular, but I'm rarely early. It was pretty crappy, I'll tell you that much. I got birth control last month, but I didn't start taking it yet. I should start next Sunday. I don't like it, though... I'm not sure why. It's hard to explain, and I don't have the energy or desire to do so tonight. Any(I think perhaps one day I will go through this journal and conclude that I talked much to much about menstruation. For that, I apologize.)

The drive home took only 7 hours, as we took a shorter route and put diapers on William. Once home I ate pizza with their fam, then headed to my apartment to read a bit of Blue Shoe by Ann Lamont, then came here, home, to visit with my grandma and do some homework. (This weekend I finished reading For Love of Evil by Piers Anthony; I'd read it before, but it's been a while. I really want to revisist the whole Incarnations of Immortality series, I wanted to read this one because it's a slight refresher on the rest of the series, and now I can read the seventh book, which I've not done yet.) I have oodles of work to do, including several papers for Nature Writing and some exciting analysis for Lit.Crit. Fun? You bet.

I'm officially hired for Camp McDowell this summer. It's almost as intimidating as it is exciting. I'm really looking forward to meeting and loving new people, but I'm also rather nervous about it, because I'm not sure I have room for that right now. I do, of course, because you can't really plan for this sort of thing, and the worries beforehand are truly worthless, bute I'm worried never the less. I'm worried about a lot of things. I've been having nightmares lately about all the junk I've been suppressing, especially about my uncle and fam and about Harris and William and about school.

I'm going to play the Sims work on my papers now. I leave you with this:

It made me happy. So, thanks.

I hear in my mind all these voices; I hear in my mind all these words...

Oh, Regina. You are my newest love.

When did we last speak? Saturday? It's been much to long, dear, and I've missed you.

For nature writing I'm doing a piece on sunsets; it's an uber-descriptive contrast and compare of the sunset in Anna Maria and the sunset on Park Blvd. I'm toying with the idea of a segmented piece, but that makes me nervous. For one, I might have to read it outloud, and segmented pieces aren't as good read aloud. For another, I've never done one, and I would really not like to screw up a good grade with experimentation. I don't want my piece to be boring, though. I'll be talking about the birds you're likely to see and hear in either place, as well as the trees, the insects, and the overall landscape. I'm sure either description on it's own would be interesting, but I'm afraid if I describe one and then launch into a similar structure about the second, readers might be turned off the the second sunset. Decisions, decisions. Either way, I'm going to post it on here when I'm finished, for my own records.

Tomorrow morning I leave for Destin with the Tomlinsons. I'm not all that excited, sadly, though I'm super-pumped about seeing Jessica, however briefly. I don't wanna miss class Friday, though, and I want to visit my with my grandma (who got in town last night), and I want to see Meagan play ball, and I want to chill for a bit. My apologies; the bad energy I'm putting out right now brings to mind comic images of smelly characters on Saturday morning cartoons with odor emanating from them in squiggly black lines. This weekend will be fantastic, I will get to do a lot of reading and writing, and I will spend some good quality time with William and Harris.

Speaking of! After you put Harris in his crib, he says "bye" to let you know he's ready to go to sleep. Tonight, he said "bye," and I said "good night," and he said "sleep tight!" Now, if that wasn't the cutest thing I ever heard in my life...

Last night I made peppers and Italian sausage, and it turned out pretty well, although it was too greasy (I forgot to get rice, which would have helped soak that up and make it better). I also made a lasagna to freeze, and I think/hope/pray it's going to be alright, and maybe even good. Using leftovers from the lasagna, I made improvised cannelloni (in case you were wondering, the difference between manicotti and cannelloni is the stuffing; the former most often has cheese, while the latter usuaslly has cheese and meat- I just looked this up).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I started this post last night, and here it is Thursday morning, so my apologies for the in-congruency. I was just working on this essay, but things are going less than stellar, and I've decided to abandon the thing for now. I'm about to go to Wal-mart and see what kind of cheap-o dresses they have, because I don't have any nice casual things for this weather, and I need them for Florida. Blah!

I'm tired and cranky this morning. Lucky for everyone else, you're not here to bear witness to this grumpy mess.

Or perhaps it's not so lucky... I can never stay ill around any of you, you know.

There is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come.

This weekend has been pretty great thusfar. After work Thursday I ran home to grab a few things (including a letter from Jessica!), then headed to Cullman with Jeff, who is taking care of his pets this weekend. We went to eat and then visit Noel her roommate Landon and their friend Josh; funtimes, as always. Later Jeff and I headed home and went to bed. Friday we headed to Birmingham and ate lunch at Moe's before picking up Jess and going to the Galleria, where we saw Tyler breifly and later met with Lance, Britni, and Thomas. The most exciting things were a horse riding machine and a surf board machine, riding the carousel, and just being together. Sadly, Jeff and I had to leave (an hour later than we intended) so we could let the dogs out again at his house then go back to Florence for the birthday party of one Chris Anderson. I was kinduv exhausted and not looking forward to being social, but I'm really glad we went, because I had a fantastic time, especially visiting with friend I don't see very often and meeting people I've heard lots about but never gotten to visit. People I hung out with most: Kacy, Eric, Luke, and O'Brian, and later Ricky and Josh and Justin and Other Eric. I also met a Joe and a Paige and an Eva and a Tae, and Ben was there, and an Amy and an Ashley (and of course I hung out with Jeff and Chris). Oh, and Jacob and Rita were there when I arrived, too, though they left shortly after I got there. I think, maybe, that's everyone, though I could be mistaken. I'm not sure why it's important to me to catlogue events like this. I guess it will be interesting to see if any of our paths cross again, and also writing the names down helps solidify people in my memory, so that if we do meet again, I will have a name and a face in the rolodex of my memory.

This morning we watched some Margaret Cho with breakfast; she was hilarious, as always. "Fag hags are the backbone of the gay community. Without us, you're nothing." That cracked me up. In looking up that quote, I found another interesting quote from Ms. Cho about the term fag hag: "The marriage of two derogatory terms, fag and hag, symbolis[es] the union of the world’s most popular objects of scorn, homosexuals and woman, creat[ing] a moniker that most of those who wear it find inoffensive, possibly because it smacks of solidarity." The article also links several other pieces dedicated to the relationship of straight women and gay men. I didn't know there was so much literature on the subject, although I shouldn't be surprised, having analyzed the relationship myself several times, especially after so many classes dealing with gender and sexuality. Maybe I'll share some of what I find later tonight after the boys go to bed. Also, Margaret has a very interesting web site, in case you didn't know.

I'm a little bit down this afternoon, partially due to a fucked up sleep schedule, and partially do to an absence of friends. I've noticed this is a trend with me- after being in social situations, specifically with people I love very much, it's followed by a brief depression when I find myself alone. Depression- that word has such dismal connotations... I don't mean I spend hours crying in the bathroom wondering why my life's so miserable... dictionary.com says depression is "a condition of general emotional rejection and withdrawal," which is exactly what I mean. I guess I just wanted to clarify.

I think it's a bit more pronounced this time because Jessica is in Florida and Jeff is in Cullman, and they are usually here. Hmm. O'Brian, if I show up on your doorstep tonight, will you cuddle with me?

Anyway, here's my Sacred Advertisement this week:

Tantric sex practitioners say an artful lover never makes love the same way twice.

Similarly, chanteuse Billie Holiday believed a good singer should never sing a song the same way twice. If you use all the same phrasing and melody, she said, you’re failing your art.

The only Zen master we know--whose name we can’t tell you because she changes it every week, and we haven’t heard the latest one--likes to quote the ancient Greek philosopher, Heraclitus: "You cannot step into the same river twice, for fresh waters are ever flowing in upon you."

Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has the last word: "Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible."

All the girls in every girly magazine can't make me feel any less alone...

Despite the title of this particular entry, I'm not particularly lonely or upset right now. I'm a bit lonesome, but it's nothing more than that lovely slump we singles tend to hit every now and again. Ho, hum, sigh.

Today was a pretty good day. The reading in Lit.Crit was very interesting, not to mention very short. Freshman Comp. was interesting and amusing, as usual, and I turned in my second paper finally. Nature Writing was rather drab, being neither extraordinary nor excruciating. Images of Women in Literature was rather interesting today; we discussed the ridiculous old school of thought of women secretly desiring dominant men willng to put them in their place, as it were (a la Gone With the Wind). Needless to say, the entire class was rather awkward for me, as I would love to stumble upon an Alpha-male (umm, and I used this term before the werewolf books, thank you very much). Le sigh. Again. Anyway, we did discuss how it still not uncommon for women to like dominate men (apparently I'm not the only one ; - ), although our teacher seemed really surprised by this. I did make the distinction during the class among women of today and women of the past: if I had no choice but to play second to some big-shot husband, I would never marry. However, I do have a choice.

For a completely random change of topic- I just put the boys to bed (after I finished that last paragraph). William called me as I left his room, indignant: "Hey! I forgot to hug and kiss you goodnight!" Yeah, I melted a bit. These boys... I hope they don't forget me to quickly when I'm gone, but I suppose it's bound to happen sooner or later. I can't work here forever, and if I'm not working with them, there's no way I can maintain the big sister/mothering relationship I have with them now. Sad day.

I was gonna end the post there, but I realize that's a bit of a sad/sappy note with which to leave you, and I'm not really feeling sad or sappy at the moment, though I do feel a bit removed. I had a lot of comments today on my entries or to comments I'd made, and it made me really ridiculously happy. Thanks, guys. Hmm. Here, I give you my horoscope from Mr. Brezsney:

I expect you'll soon be communing with sore spots and delicate feelings, Cancerian. Allergies may be featured prominently as well--if not the literal kind, then maybe the metaphorical version. People might be extra ticklish, sometimes to the point of irritability. And yet all the squirming will actually be a good sign. It'll mean that one of your most confounding contradictions is close to being resolved. For best results, act decisively at the moment when your vulnerability is most intense.

The Garden of Eden

...at some point something must have come from nothing…

It happens all the time, this crazy love of mine...

I had a lovely little post for you earlier, but alas, IE ate it before I updated, and the auto-save function of our dearest LJ seems to be a bit sub-par. Oh, well.

Jeff and I watched Gods and Monsters last night (night before last?), with Brenden Fraser and Ian McKellan; O'Brian, you definitely need to watch it soon. The movie was pretty good, albeit creepy as hell several times, but Brenden was only partially clothed during several scenes, so that was nice. O'Brian, I also have an author you must read, if you haven't already: Patricia Briggs. Jeff got me to read Moon Called, followed by Blood Bound, and they were both excellent. I prefer the first, but that's because I like the werewolf dynamic more; it appears the author, her husband, and the publishers all claim the second to be better- they're both great, though, and right up your alley.

I was planning to attend the Vagina Monologues on Thursday, but I'm thinking I might travel to Cullman with Jeff... I would like to go, but I can't think of anyone who would attend with me willingly, for one, and for another, if I go to Cullman Thursday night I might get to go to Birmingham Friday, and I wouldn't want to pass that up. Friday evening would see us back in Florence for Chris's birthday party, woohoo!!! I work Saturday; Rosario and Stephen are going to Birmingham, so I'll be going in early. Lindsey's birthday is Saturday, and Graham is traveling to Tuscaloosa for Convention and to be with her. I'm sad I can't be there, but I think it's going to be a good weekend. Last year's convention was really fun. It's a bit sad... memories of Andrew... what a sad kid.

The high tomorrow is 38; here's hoping for frozen roads and canceled classes tomorrow! That's assuming, of course, that everyone who might be on said roads is able to stay snug and safe in bed.

There's more to tell, you, Reader, but Jeff needs the computer... besides, there's always more, isn't there?

You think you're so smart, but I've seen you naked- and I'll probably see you naked again...

Before I started this post I thought I'd see what I wrote about a year ago; mistake! Apparently this time last year was rather depressing. It's been about a year since Mario passed away; I think I like that I'm still sad about that. I also quit working at Kid Safari about this time last year- I still have a note Jessica left on my bed to make me feel better when I got home on my last night. By the by, she should be in Fort Walton now; I got a message from her this morning around 10:30 saying they were about an hour away, so they should be about there now. Last night O'Brian and I visited with her for a bit and helped pack some (read: distracted her from packing and ate chocolate cake).

About two years ago today Meagan was recovering from surgery and I subbing at Shoals Preschool Academy- where the infamous twin story originated. And three years ago today, the second semester of my freshman year had just started after an amazing interim course. I believe I had just moved in with Christy two floors above my old dorm room (one of the greatest moves I ever made). I was friends with her and Kelly and Stacey, and just about to reconnect with Britni, and through her meet Lance (and later through him Thomas), Melissa (and through her David), Jennifer (eventually- and through her, Jennifer R.), and finally Mark. Then through Lance I was to find Jess, and through her Greg; I also fell in love with Karen somewhere along the way, and I'm not sure when, but Joe Hammer also became a part of my life at this time.

How strange- three years ago today, I didn't know most of your names and little of your faces and none of what is really you. Now you are my soulmates and lovers, the missing pieces of my once-broken heart. Where would I be with you?

That was 2004. In 2005 I was dating Stephen and livng next door to my parents and getting used to living near my beautiful high school friends again. In 2006 I was at UNA, falling madly for Jonathan and Lacey and Terri. And here it is 2007, and I have Jeff and Chris and Aubrey and a million more people to love.

Here is a personal ad from Rob Brezsney, my latest obsession:
I'm the one! Pick me for your mission impossible! I'm the one! Pick me to help you storm the kingdom of heaven! Everybody's somebody's fool; let me be yours! I have no shame and I want no limits! I give till it hurts and if you're smart you'll let me teach you how! So electrify me in a sanctuary! Amaze me in a labyrinth! Undress me on an altar! Engorge me in a waystation! And I'll resurrect you wherever you want!

Come along with me now 'cause there are things I've been dying to tell you...

So much, Reader! So much so much so much! I have fully immersed myself in pronia, and it's wonderful, though I spend a lot of time worrying that my dear mortal heart can't take it.

Last Friday we had a really wonderful party, I think, in honor of Ms. Jessica Hyde. Everyone got all dolled up and came to play at my parents house, where we played Frank Sinatra and ate finger foods and enjoyed being in the company of some truly fine people. Lance and Graham helped straighten the house while Britni, Mark, and Thomas went to Wal*mart and ABC; soon O'Brian arrived, then Chris, then Jeff; next came the Birmingham crew and Jessica and T.J., but I can't remember the order in which they arrived. Mom and Dad got home from Meagan's game (with the Meagan and her friend Melissa) and Mom helped me put the o'deurves together so that everything looked splendid. Jonathan also showed up after a bit, and later that evening Kacy and Luke came to visit. We had a slight fiasco with a handle of vodka, but it didn't put us off to badly... Mom also broke a wine glass right after the glass had been cleaned up... it was crazy and funny and sad. Overall, I think everyone had a really good time, and I think it was a good way to spend the weekend.

Monday night Jessica and I headed to Huntsville to see the amazing John Mayer. We were in the fifth row. The FIFTH ROW! It was amazing! Before he came on stage, a band called Soul Live played, and they did a pretty good job; they had a great energy and were fun to watch. Then John came on and the place erupted as he launched into "Waiting on the World to Change." He also played "Good Love Is on the Way." and a lot of other really great songs that I just can't settle my ticking brain long enough to remember; for his encore he did "Your Body Is a Wonderland" and then "Why Georgia," which may actually be one of the best songs ever written.

It was a really fun night, though it left me a little sad... a lot sad. From the beginning I had it in the back of my head that this was our last big adventure, Jessica, and that makes me so so empty. I know it's not the last, but it's the last for a while, and it's the last of this stage in our lives, because you moving is a new stage, a good stage, a different stage. I kept pushing thoughts of dollar fifty matinees and swinging by the river and driving nowhere and smoking in the woods and talking on the porch and a million other things that are US, that are uniquely you and me. Anyway, I have to stop now because I don't want to cry tonight. I love you, Jessica.

Last night I saw Romeo and Juliet by the Aquila Company at UNA; it was wonderful! All the characters have memorized all the roles, and before the production they had audience members draw their parts from a hat. They do this to maintain some of the spontaneity of live theatre. I was hoping for male/male or female/female leads, but it didn't happen- the play was great nevertheless, and there were some gender reversals that served to make the play entertaining while also proving their point about how gender often isn't that important to the communication of ideas.

During the final scenes, an older woman in the row in front of me spend the greater part of the time crying, and it almost set me off as much as the play. I wonder what it was like to view this magnificent work for the first time... I wish we weren't taught the plot of this great story so early and so flippantly. I bet it was an intense emotional ride for its virgin audience.

Anyway, so much to do! Tomorrow I have to go take out a loan to pay for school, as well as pay my overdue rent and work for 8 hours and write two papers and spend whatever time I can with Jessica before she leaves. Friday I have class, then hiking with Jonathan, then work. Saturday morning Graham and I are going geocaching, then I have a basketball game with my Little (I hope we're just going to watch one, though I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to have to play), then I'm headed to Tuscaloosa to visit Lindsey and see Guerrilla Theatre. Sunday morning we'll headed to Huntsville to visit some family (maybe- I haven't called Rosemary yet or anything) and maybe give some help if we can because I know things are hectic there now as my Uncle Bill prepares for surgery. Nothing exception planned for Monday or Tuesday, then Wednesday is Valentine's Day, and I'd like to attend the Vagina Monologues, but I'll probably just work (blast!).

In closing, I'll love you forever- all you have to do is ask.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

And here again is my sacred advisement from freewillastrology.com:

Ralph Waldo Emerson: "He who is in love is wise and becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses."
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: "Love, love, love: That is the soul of genius."
Krishnamurti: "The problem, if you love it, is as beautiful as the sunset."
Henry David Thoreau: "There is no remedy for love but to love more."
Erica Jong: "Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more."

This is exactly what I needed this week. I'm about to start paying for my extended horoscope each week. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm not so much asking if this is a good idea as I am telling you about my plans. Capisce? I love everything about Rob Brezsny. Even if some of his readings really aren't specific to me, he offers really good advice. In other news, I have so much to tell you, but I don't know if I can do that right now. Last night as I was falling asleep I thought my heart might simply explode and then all the love I feel would come oozing out of my poors like thick perfume. In case you weren't aware: I love you.

But for now we are young, let us lay in the sun...

...and count every beautiful thing we can see.