It's Christmas Eve...

Sometimes my family is so cute I can't even stand it. Really.

Right now, I feel like my heart might explode.

The other night, I got totally sappy and sentimental when drinking. I'm really sorry guys; it definitely wasn't my intention. I do want you to know, though, that I meant the things I said (at least what I remember). Next time I tell you how much I love you, though, maybe I won't be intoxicated and half-crying. What a loser.

What has brought on this bought of nostalgia? New friends.

I know, it doesn't even make sense! See, the thing is, I know that there's only going to be room for so many people in the future. Harsh much? Seriously, though, like it or not, that's out there. While I can maintain a great number of friendships now, there's no way I can put this much energy into that many people forever.

That makes it sound like a chore, but it's not not not. I'm not sure how to convey this message. I've posted about this before, though, so maybe you get it, Reader. Or maybe you get it because you get me. I hope so.

Man, I didn't mean to stop the train at Saptown, USA.

Moving on to bigger and brighter things...

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. ... If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

Last night, Lindsey and I watched Love Actually at Aubrey's with him and Chris Jordan and Shawn. Good movie. Today, Lindsey, Meagan, and I went to lunch with Aubrey at Subway. It was great.

Now, I wish you were all here, but I also wish I was alone in the woods some where. If I had the money, I would rent a really really ridiculously big shallet in the mountains. I would drive there, not fly, and I would only pack a tooth brush and perhaps a few good books, and I would make plans to stay for a month, but I'd probably only stay for a week.

It's time for Midnight Mass.

Thanks, Jesus. For everything.

Because I'd like to remember these things about the last year.

01.What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Hmm... I bought alcohol and lottery tickets and I went to Tunica and I smoked salvia and I began to rent my own apartment and I walked to work from where I live

02. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I can't remember any resolutions; that's not to say that I didn't make them, but I guess it implies I didn't keep them.

03. Did someone close to you give birth?
April did! And also Laren, who I don't really talk to, but who I still love very much.

04. Did anyone close to you die?
Mario

05. What countries did you visit?
Several new countries; they're not even on the map yet.

06. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
I wouldn't mind falling madly in love, but I won't be terribly disappointed if that doesn't happen. I'd like to have more structure.

07. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not so good with dates; I can't give guys any grief because it will be me who forgets anniversaries...

08. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
I like to think my work at Camp was worth something; it's really an acheivement by accident, though... mostly it's just fun.

09. What was your biggest failure(s)?
Chaucer; big suprise there, actually...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nah... I don't have time for such nonsense ;)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I'm pretty happy with all the kites I seem to have collected over the past year

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Meagan; turns out she really IS a cool person... amazing, in fact

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Andrew Lang

14. Where did most of your money go?!
Probably to fast food with friends; we really need a new thing to do when we hang out

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My birthday, April's baby, Christmas

16. Anything you dreaded that now seems insignificant?
I was really worried that Andrew might show up at the Christmas party

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder? hmm... sadder, I think, but that's not to say I'm sad now.
ii. thinner or fatter? eh, about the same
iii. richer or poorer? poorer; richer in spirit, though! :)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I'd kissed more people and said I love you more often

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I wish I'd done less sleeping and eating

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Crying some, laughing a lot, and loving my family

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
I fall in love every day :)

23. How many one-night stands?
Several make-out sessions with strangers never to be seen again

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
Little People, Big World

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I still just hate Martha Stewart.

26. What books did u read?
We don't have that kinda time... it's a long list, and there's no way I'd rememeber everything anyway.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh man.... I can't remember which bands were new to me this year... The Middlemen is one group.... the Avett Brothers... Regina Spektor...

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to be finacially stable, and I am :)

29. What did you want and not get?
I wanted a torrid love affair

30. Favorite film of this year?
The Last Kiss; I think that's what it was called... I really can't remember what all I saw this year, but that was a recent one that I really loved

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21, and I went to Tunica with Meaghan and Jessica

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think maybe seeing a shrink would have been a good idea... I might start this year

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Nonexistant

34. What kept you sane?
Jeff for the last couple weeks, Jessica, Lance, Lindsey

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This was a Vince Vaughn year

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Invisible Children

37. Who do you miss?
I still miss Uncle Wade more than I ever thought i would... sometime I still think he's about to show up when we're swimming, and I'm still genuinely suprised sometimes when I remember that he won't be coming out to visit with Aunt Dana and the kids. I missed Morgan and David a lot, too; I was so close to them, and now they're strangers... I miss family in Virgina a lot, especially Grandma.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met so many new people this year! I'm forever grateful for Jeff, but I'm also glad for Tyler, Aubrey, Chris, Little Brian, Kacy, Eric, Luke, Chris Jordan... there are more, I'm sure, but you guys are all pretty fantastic....

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Sometimes it's okay to not be okay

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time...

No matter how upside-down it may temporarily appear...

Even when I'm sad, I'm happy. I hope you know this about me by now.

I've been in a very clingy mood for the last couple weeks; I've been pretty much attached to Jeff's hip. I know I don't deserve to have yet another wonderful soul added to my list of friends, but I'm thankful nevertheless. I love people. I feel like Jamie from Shortbus: "I just want to love everyone! Wait, how can I love everyone?! I don't even know everyone!"

I'm not sure if that's an exact quote, but it's close. It's not, however, a break-through.

I met several of Jeff's friends last week, and they are amazing. I love love love guitars. I love love love people.

Lance and Tyler are coming to see me tomorrow. Rejoice! I'm expecting cuddles, kids. Shareese is back in town. Yessss.

Man, I totally got distracted. Where was I headed?

I don't know. I really don't. I've been in such an odd mood lately. I've been in a really giggly good mood today. I miss this. So thanks for that.

Breakfast with O'Brian, Chris, and Jeff at Sonic was wonderful; I love you three very very very much. I probably don't tell you that often enough.

I'm a little obsessed with "Pretty Girl at the Airport." I was obsessed there for a bit, but it passed, but now it's back. I really really really need some new music in my life. I need music in my car. I need random mixes. I need to be engulfed. I need to buy that record player I've been wanting for a while now.

Here's my horoscope quote from freewillastrology.

You're like an arrow in flight. You're a half-cooked feast, the fifth month of pregnancy, the week before a big election. Have you ever mastered a second language? You resemble the time right before fluency arrives.

When you forget about someone they cease to exist.

How do I even begin to tell you?

Camp was wonderful. Ask me about it.

School is horrible. It's taken me exactly two weeks to completely fuck up a decent semester. Good job, self.

Seriously, though. I might joke about it, but please know I hate myself a little bit right now.

I have my last exam at 8. History of Philosophy. I'd love to study, but I missed the last class and I don't have a study guide. I never bought the text book. I don't take notes.

I really wish my parents would offer to help with my rent or something. I wish I didn't feel like asking them for money was such an ordeal. Not that I need money, especially. I do fine. But I would have more time to devote to school. That's mostly bullshit, though, because I probably wouldn't anyway. Dad gave me a hundred dollars last week, which made me feel special. Then I remembered he and mom owed me a collective 350 for vet bills and books. I still feel special, though.

Yesterday morning I failed my African American Women's Literature test. I failed it miserable. I walked in fairly confident; I probably have a B average in there, and I felt that I had about 75% of the test down easy. Apparently, I was wrong. I've missed two classes since our last test; I studied the material we'd covered, plus works by every female author in the book that we hadn't studied yet. (I didn't buy that book, either, but I looked up the table of contents online, then looked up the writers, poems, and stories.) There was only one single question on the whole test (which was almost entirely short answer) that I know know know I got right.

I didn't have an exam in Chaucer. I did really well (I think) on my Gender Communications exam; it was optional. I needed the points.

I've spent a lot of time at Jeff's apartment recently; I'm probably driving the boys insane. I'm sorry. I feel really loved around you all, so thanks for that. It made me miss dorm living. I love sharing a bed. Jeff is definitely an angel sent personally to save me. Chris is the only reason I smile sometimes, and my mood lifts just to be in his presence. Little Brian is like a younger brother; I feel simultaneous urges to pester him, protect him, kill him, and nurture him.

Yesterday (I think) we watched "Being Julia" (great)/ Tonight we watched "Bridget Jones' Diary" (very good), "Another Gay Movie" (very dumb/gross/funny...ish), and "Invisible Children" (life-altering). I'm going to watch it at least every two weeks. I don't want to forget, but I'm afraid it's already happening. I'm sorry, Tony.

St. Thomas Aquinas, if you read this, please consider it a prayer... or a plea. Not only do I have an exam on you in the morning, you are the patron saint of colleges; I hope maybe you take care of college students, too.

Please don't forget me, Reader. Please.

I know that's selfish, but I'm asking you just the same.

Can't you just see the sunshine? Can't you just feel the moonshine?

Self-analyzation time!

Two things.

One:

I've realized that I identify myself as a virgin a lot. It is something about me, yes, but I've never considered it a defining characteristic of my being. I have not taken any vow, I don't wear a promise ring, and while Jesus may have been the root of my abstinence, He certainly plays no part in my decision to wait now; I have no problems with others who choose to have pre-marital relations, and I have not resigned myself to waiting, either. However, I find that I consistently bring it up in conversations with new people. I don't necessarily go on a tirad or a tangent. It just comes out, not inappropriately, during the conversation at some point. Why? That is the question. The only answer I have thusfar is that perhaps I do value that particular characteristic subconsciously.

Two:

Now, this one is tricky, because I risk de-valuing my friendships by making this observation. That is not the case, though. It is possible for these ulterior motives to work together and not against my friendships. Anyway. I've also begun in the last month or two to identify myself with having a myriad of gay friends. My friend base hasn't actually shifted that greatly, but I've become more vocal about it, almost to the point of annoyance. What bothers me is not that. What bothers me is I think I may be developing an aversion to straight men. That sounds ridiculous. Let me explain. By only embracing or pursuing friendships with gay males or straight women, I am still able to be socially progressive without actually having to engage in any relationship that may develop further. It's like a safety net. Not only will these relationships not progress past intimate friendships, but there will be no one to blame for the "failed" romance; namely, I will not have to hold myself responsible for the lack of attraction, because it is due to a biological factor.

Does that make sense? And this doesn't negate the friendships I have, so please don't think that. I believe I would have pursued the friendships I have regardless... it's just that, perhaps, there are other relationships that I should have pursued as well, but I didn't.

There's always the chance, of course, that I'm simply being over-analytical.

Thoughts?

I'm a slow motion accident.

Old pictures look very rugged and young, and the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.

I just hope I remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as I look in my old photographs. And I hope that they believe me.

Baby, what do you say we just get lost?

Head, Carolina/Tails, California-
Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer
Up in the mountains, down by the ocean, where it don't matter, as long as we're going
Somewhere together!
I've got a quarter- Heads, Carolina/Tails, California...

If God made you, he's in love with me.

I need to remind you of something, Reader. I need you to know how important you are. You. I need you to know that you have changed me. You have inspired me, you have helped me, you have humbled me, you have become a part of me.

You are my companions, my elementary school playmates, my cousins, my long-distance lovers. You are the friend of a friend of a friend. We just talked that one time at that one party for that one minute or two. We used to be close. We are close.

Anyway... thank you.

I'll be lonely, but I know I'll be okay...

...good love is on the way.

Right? Please say that's right.

Mister with his hands on you got his hands on some damn body.

Sooo, I really like Lucille Clifton, who we studied recently in African American Women's Literature; I also love Maya Angelou, who we studied today, but I knew that already.

Class is almost over! I have two ten page papers, two finals, and a group project due next week! Yay! I, for one, am elated.

Am I the only person who isn't angry about the warm weather? Yes, I'm ready for the cold weather, BUT, I know that soon enough I'll be wishing for warm weather again... besides, it hasn't been hot or cold; it's been perfect. In closing, quit bitching, or I will cut you.

Yesterday morning I finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower again. Man, what a good book! I hadn't forgotten that I liked it, but I had forgotten why I liked it. Towards the end of the book Charlie and his friends play Secret Santa, which I had actually been thinking about anyway; that evening, Lance called me and asked if I wanted to be in on a game! How exciting is that? Very, thank you very much.

Work tomorrow here at the Tomlinson's. DInner with Jeff, perhaps. School Friday. Project work Friday. Get my new car key Friday? Work Saturday.

Life, man.

What a trip.

Homage to My Hips

these hips are big hips.

they need space to

move around in.

they don't fit into little

petty places. these hips

are free hips.

they don't like to be held back.

these hips have never been enslaved,

they go where they want to go

they do what they want to do.

these hips are mighty hips.

these hips are magic hips.

i have known them

to put a spell on a man and

spin him like a top!


~Lucille Clifton

And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.

And so passes another wonderful Thanksgiving. I had a lot of fun with my cousins; they've grown up so much. It's kinda strange being the older influential cousin... Anyway, dinner at my grandmother's, joined by her sisters and family. It was wonderful.

Earlier that week I dined at Olive Garden in celebration of Jessica's birthday with her, Meaghan, Jeff, O'Brian, and Erica; it was wonderful (except they ran out of olive oil... how does Olive Garden run out of Olive Oil?). Afterwards we headed to my place, sans Erica, to hang out for a bit and place some card games and what not; we were joined by Chris and (briefly) Jonathan. I love my friends. We should have birthdays more often.

To follow in this non-sequential path, let me tell you about yesterday: 'twas wonderful. Impromptu plans to visit the Quest were successful. Chris and I drove to Cullman, where we picked up Jeff, then we went to Tyler's to see him and Lance and Britni and Britney. Later we went to the club, and it was a lot of fun. My thighs hurt like crazy; clubbing counts as a trip to the gym. I'm pretty stoked that I was there with the four hottest guys in the whole place. We watched the sunset this morning and left at 8; Jeff and I hung out at his house for a bit and I got to meet his lovely parents before we headed home (we also lunched at Taco Bell). Before napping, I watched Invisible Children again today with Lindsey and the parents. I can't wait for you all to see it. Now, my sleep pattern is totally screwed.

Oh, I still haven't found my keys. I guess I get to shell out 50 bucks to get a new one made for the car. I'm sure they'll turn up the day after that happens. Oh, well... I guess I'll have an extra key, at least (though we have an extra somewhere anyway... just no one can find it). I'm pretty bummed now that I realize I may not find this set of keys ever, as they may have been taken out with the garbage or something. I don't get attached to things very easily, but I did have the key to my first apartment on there, and I wanted to keep that for a while.

In general, life is pretty good. I'm not so good. I mean, I am, I'm happy, mostly, but I'm spiraling right back into the slump I hit last semester. When I'm not feeling totally indifferent to school, I feel stressed and incompetant. I feel like I'm not using the talents with which I've been blessed. I wish I was doing better in school. I wish stress didn't build up like it does, and I wish I would stop repressing things whenever other people are around.

In general, life is pretty good.

You and me both, kid.

How do you wait for heaven?
And who has that much time?
And how do you keep your feet on the ground when you know that you were born to fly?

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier.

I'm buying this bracelet. I'm also bringing the Invisible Children documentary to Birmingham tomorrow. This is big. I want to be a part of it. I know I'll go through phases, and maybe I won't care as much next month, but I will care even more the month after that. This one isn't going to go away. I can't wait to share this with you.

An excert from one Ms. Sonia Sanchez.

i say come, wrap your feet around justice

i say come, wrap your tongues around truth

i say come, wrap your hands with deeds and prayer

you brown ones

you yellow ones

you black ones

you gay ones

you white ones

you lesbian ones



Comecomecomecomecome to this battlefield

called life, called life, called life....

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

I'm trying to ward off the onslaught of Christmas music, but it's becoming more difficult. I love Christmas music. I do. It makes me happy. I listen to it alllll the time. But I have a strict "Christmas is after Thanksgiving" policy. The better part of November should NOT be about Christmas. Gosh.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I took the boys to Northside, where we saw my dad (always a plus) and looked at the school. After that we went to the Muscle Shoals Fire Department, where we got a grand tour of the fire station. Following that we headed to McDonalds, so we could get out some excess energy on the playground; Mom met us there (always a plus ;). Once I left their house, I met with Jeff and we headed to the gym, and I felt super duper afterwards. I went straight from the gym to Kid Safari, where I subbed for a couple hours, and that was really fun; I had the 3's and once my numbers were down, all the kids started playing with babies and it was sooooo friggin cute. Then I taking care of the baby dolls so the "parents" could go to "work." So I ran a day care within a day care. Teehee. I left Kid Safari to meet Kacy at the movies; we saw The Return, which was pretty good, though not what I'd expected. Also, I got to hang out with Kacy, so it was very fun. :) I left the movies to hit up Wal*mart.

Let me tell on myself here for a second. I have no clean clothes in the apartment. None. So my main purpose at Wal*mart was to buy something to wear today. Is that pitiful or what? I'm really excited about my new clothes, though...

Anyway, I also got some groceries and several boxes of cookies, which I took to Best Buy. There was a gaggle of guys there who had been waiting two nights for the new playstation, so I dunno... it was so cold and they'd been there two nights... Anyway, I brought them cookies. After that I headed home, where Jessica showed up on my doorstep, and we chatted and ate pomegranate and had a jolly good evening before she headed home and I headed to bed.

This morning I got up comparatively early and breakfasted with Jeff; we were supposed to work out but we didn't, and so we'll do that this afternoon. Now I'm here in the library talking to you, Reader.

Five for Fighting: amazing, or what? Unless the "what" is > "amazing," I don't wanna hear it. I love him.

Sic et Non

Today in History of Philosophy, we were studying universalism, and I think I'm in love. I'll be honest, I wasn't really paying much attention during class, as I was stealthily reading Running with Sissors, which was recommened by Jessica, and which is pretty much exactly what all the critics called it thusfar (wonderful and sickening).

Anyway. Universalism. This philosopher (whose name I have already forgotten) suggested that we are all one; we are all made of the same stuff (and it's God-like), and therefore we all have one soul. If we all have one soul, we must all retire to the same place. It does quite negate the idea of Heaven and Hell, but it does assume that we are all going to one place or the other. How wonderful is that?

I think it gives real depth to the phrase "brotherhood of man."

Today for you, tomorrow for me.

Friday after class I headed to Birmingham; the drive down was less than pleasant because of traffic and construction, but I arrived safely, so I suppose the drive wasn't to bad after all. As soon as I got there I met Tyler, Lance, Britni, Mark, Jennifer, and Melissa, and we were off to see Rent! It was amazing, as was expected, and it affected me more than I thought it would. I first started leaking during "Will I Loose My Dignity." For those of you un-interested in Rent (so you probably stopped reading this as soon as you saw the word mentioned), this song takes place during a life support meeting for the AIDS carriers. I kept thinking about Camp Kaliedescope, and my kids there. For those who don't know, that's the camp I do at McDowell for children with or affected by AIDS. A lot of our campers don't actually have the virus, but someone close to them does. I mostly thought of the mothers who come to camp with the kids, and what it must be like to slowly loose the ability to take care of your children, and what it's like to accept your future absence from their lives. So I cried. I cried again at the reprise of "I'll Cover You." I knew it was coming and I knew it was a sad part, but this wasn't a gradual tearing up... this was BAM, water everywhere! It was beautiful. Umm, also, Lance scared me shitless by leaning in from the row behind me to whisper in my ear; I was intent on the stage and jumped like 2308 feet in the air; I had the complete fight or flight response-- it's very difficult to sit through the end of a play when your adrenaline is rushing so.

The play left me feeling pretty worthless, honestly. I have so much; I am financially secure and I know I've got enough experience to keep me hirable, at least in day cares; I've got a family I love and a family who loves me; I've got friends upon friends; I can read. And there are so many with so little, and there are people dying, not growing old and dying, but just dying. I'm not saying I want to sell everything I own and start working in the slums; I am saying that I am going to make a greater effort to be an active part of the changing world. As it stands now, I do a camp for the mentally disabled and one for AIDS kids, and I do Big Brothers Big Sisters; two of those events, however important they are, are about two weeks of intensive service, but nothing the rest of the year. BBBS doesn't take up that much time, and there are plenty of organizations that I could actually get my little sister involved in with me.

Back to my Birmingham update... we got back to campus, where we parted ways with Britni and Mark and Melissa, and we met with Jennifer and Jessica (not my Jessica). We played a mixed up version of Circle of Death (or was it Ring of Fire?), which was ended early so we could play Drunk Driver... man, that was fun. Jennifer and I collaborated to make the game longer, much to the dismay of Thomas, who was the drunk driver. Poor guy. And poor Lance, who had to take care of Puking Thomas and Puking Tyler. I'm going to have to say that passing up the trip to Wendy's was a good call on my part. (Jessica was sober and drove them). I heard great stories about it all this morning.

I also lunched with Karen, which was wondeful, as one would assume. We also talked for a very long time about very random subjects. She might be making friends with Anthony, the special ed. cafeteria worker, and that makes me VERY happy. I wish all of you would make a point to just say hello to him whenever you see him. Just introduce yourself once, then give him a wave every now and again. You will make his life better, I promise.

I hope Rosario and Stephen are home soon... I'm ready to go hang out with my beautiful Meagan.

Love, and do what you will.

Go read the title of this blog again. Now think about it. Now smile. It's a beautiful thing.

So today has been GOOD. I thought today was going to be BAD, but today was not just good, it was GOOD.

I wish I could have taken a picture of the leaves cascading past the window during Literature this morning. It was beautiful. They were one hundred percent autumn and they were continuous. A million leaves fell down, all of them spinning and falling and reflecting. And the sound! It was the beautiful dry shuttery sound a rain stick makes. It was amazing.

And you loved things just because, like the sick and the dying.

This is a postsecret that was sent it... the post mark was Korea. I really like this... it's so simple. Also, this week's asofterworld was quite the tear jerker. Last night was great. My living room is finally looking like a living room. My bedroom is a disaster. New friends are a plus. Lance, Thomas, and Karen make me super amuse and super happy. I'm going to see Rent Friday. I love love love.

You crazy fool, I won't give into you.

I want to do a whole post on smiling soon, but I tried to do that just now, and it's not the right time. I do want to talk about one particular smile, though; one of my favorites. It's the shy mischievous smile of strangers. It's the smile you share at parties from across the room. It's the smile you give when someone has caught you doing something particularly and innocently sexy, and it's the smile that lets you know the other person noticed. It's the smile for when eyes meet in the grocery store, or passing on the sidewalk, or behind the teacher's back. It's the smile of pure physical wonderment. The smile that means everything but implies nothing. The smile that could lead anywhere or nowhere, and the smile that reminds us that any destination will be okay.

As for me, I'm coming to the final chapter; I read all of the pages and there's still no answer.

I am boooorred. And I hate being bored, because I always feel that it is some failure on my part. And to an extent, it is. I have options, of course. Granted, they are more limited than usual tonight. I'm at the Tomlinson's, and the boys are asleep; I'll be here until tomorrow evening. Tomorrow Jeff and I are taking them to lunch, and I am waaaaay more excited about that than I should be. It's like playing house!

I really want some babies.

Meagan dyed my hair last night, and I dyed hers. Mine is brown again, though a bit darker than natural (not intentional). Her's is a beautiful streaky red, and I must say, I'm a big fan.

I can't get on AIM, but I'm yahoo. Grace_Jacot. Message me. Someone. Anyone. I'm craving personal contact.

Argh!

Now this is the story all about how...

Friday was the official "Log-in," and what a time we had. There is something so nice about being in the comfort of long and solid friends. It's knowing something intimate and special about them: knowing part of their history. That's something you don't have with everyone. That's special.

We did fondu s'mores and drank Yager bombs and played Captain Dickhead and watched Office Space and played five degrees and the next morning, Teej and O'Bizzle and I went to Waffle House, though Jessica and Meaghan couldn't come out to play because of work.

Yesterday I saw The Prestige with Graham, and it was amazing. I'm gonna be honest: I had no idea what the movie was going to be about. Not the foggiest. I didn't know the plot or the actors, I haven't seen a single preview, and, even though I've actually had several conversations with many of you about the movie, I didn't actually know what I was talking about, and all I learned from you all was that you reccomended it. Anyway, good flick. :) Then we went to see Talledega Nights at the $2.00 theatre. What's that you say? Two? Yes, two... at least on weekends. I'm sure you can imagine the long and not actually all that bitter rant that should be here, so I'll spare you. Anyway, it was stupid and hilarious. Now off to Chaucer!

Once you knew a girl, and you named her lover...

Oh, Bright Eyes.

Why have I waited so long to post? I need these memories down while they are fresh!

Harris and William were Rocky and Bullwinkle for Halloween, and they were soooo cute. I mean, crazy adorable. Rosario did a great job.

I dressed up as a senorita, olé! It was great fun... I wore the costume first to the lovely Ms. Jennifer's house, where Jessica and I met up with her and other Jennifer and Lance and Tyler and Britni and Mark, and it was AMAZING. I met several new people, including a fireman. The costumes were fantastic, and we got some great pictures. If only Lance will get them online... gah...

Saturday morning I went out to get some Jack's for some of the guys, then later everyone went home; I donned the costume again that afternoon and took Harris to the Renaissance Faire, and my, but that was fun. He's so adorable. We got lots of compliments. :)

Tuesday an impromptu invitation by one Mr. Jeff left me with plans to attend another Halloween party (Jessica came, too), and THAT was fun. Before the party we went to the mall for a bit and saw William and Harris and their folks. The party was terrific, and I met a lot of really great people, and one very pretty lady, and just had an overall ball. Andrina and Brandon, the hosts, went all out, and the apartment was completely decked out. It was great.

Umm, other news... the apartment is coming along well... I'll be posting a list in the upcoming weeks of stuff I'm throwing out/selling/donating, so you can rescue/buy/take it if you want... maybe I'll be especially ambitious and post pictures of said items, but maybe not. Let's see... oh, Logapalooza tonight! Except... it's supposed to get to freezing tonight, kids, so I don't think that's gonna happen. I'm not sure what we're going to do. I'm not going to push my parents to let us sleep at their house on such short notice, and I just don't see us being able to stay out in this weather... yes, it's always freaking cold, but freezing? I don't know about all that, now. Umm... love my classes. I love when they overlap, and they do so often. Oh, and you. I love you.

I do believe in fairies, I do, I do!

Animal crackers and cocoa to drink.
That is the finest of suppers, I think.
When I am grown and can have what I please,
I think I shall always insist upon these.

It's your life, but you only get one...

Chords; shapes in air. Go press the dissonance, if you dare.

And I say dare, folks, because now's the time! Now is the time. The time to jump and sing and dance and twirl and love love love! Love everything! Love everyone! Love the sun, love the rain, love the good, and hate the bad if you wish, but love the truth that comes out of it. Hard times, they are a'comin', but hard times, they are always comin'. Now is the time to build up a fortress of passion and youth and magic. Now is the time to kiss and cuddle and run. Now is the time to shout and clap and smile! Now is the time to be! Build walls, and build them high! I've seen your heart, and it's captivating. Surround it with smiles and laughs and high-fives. Make walls so thick and soft that the next time your castle is attacked, your beautiful insides will barely bruise. Give someone the thumbs-up; add a stone to stronghold of another, and please, let me add a stone or two to yours.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

This weekend really was great. Sunday the Mullen clan cooked giant veggie bags and grilled and made appetizers and ate in the blustery weather; it was amazing. I love.

Birmingham was wonderful. My friends are wonderful. My tire blew out as I was approaching Britni's house; thankfully it was not on the highway. The night was wonderful; I talked to Tyler a lot, which made me happy, because I adore him. We played Catch Phrase, which was most fun when it was only Thomas and me. We certainly drank a good bit. We sat by the lake. I visited with Grammar, who I love more now than ever. (That reminds me... I would really like a picture with her soon. Please?) The next morning I watched Pete and Pete, and you wouldn't expect a day to get better after that, but it most certainly did. I saw Marie Antoinette with Lance and Tyler. I had a delicious home-cooked meal courtesy of Britni and Mark. I did not spend as much time with Jennifer as I would have liked, but we shall make it up next weekend.

Bo is safe. Bo is healing. He came home Friday morning; apparently, Lindsey called and told me this, but I have only the vaguest recollection of our conversation, and I was still asleep (and likely still intoxicated, as I'd gone to bed at 6 and she called at 7). So I found this out Saturday night after I returned from the Tomlinson's, while talking to Matt. Bo had surgery today, and everything went well. Hurray!

I hope I will find more posts like this one day when I re-read all my old journal entries.

I hope you all know how happy I am just to be.

But if I take my heart's advice, I should assume it's still unsteady.

Today has been a great day, but I'm not posting about that now. I'm so so so angry, and when I'm angry I cry (which just makes me angrier), and apparently I blog. Now, as I write this, I also know that I'm tired and I've got PMS, so yes, I understand that one small event has merely tipped the scales.

Meagan is a selfish bitch. That is not PMS, that's just a fact I've come to accept, and I love her dearly anyway. I was sleeping in the living room, as I don't have a room here. Meagan came in and turned on the television. Me: Hey, I'm sleeping in here. Meagan: Well, go in another room. Me: There are five TV's in the house, including one in your room by your bed. Go watch one of those. Meagan: No.

I briefly contemplate just turning the tube off, but then Meagan probably would have hit me, and then I would had to hit her back, and I just didn't feel like fight Meagan at the moment... not because I didn't really want to hit her, because that would have made me feel better, but because it's been such a good day and I didn't want to ruin it.

I do go towards the kitchen, where Mom is working, and as I walk in she says "You can go lay down in the office, I'm not in there anymore." Me: "Really Mom? That's some bullshit. Meagan's being just plain rude, and you know that. If you were napping in the living room, and anyone did the same, you would expect them to ask if you minded, at the very least." Actually, that was the condensed version of the conversation, and Mom agreed I was right, and said go lay somewhere else. ?!#$%!#$%!#$%!#$!@% Why do they let her get away with such crap?

Now, my real question is, why am I still so upset about this? It seems so insignificant. I don't know why I'm still bawling 15 minutes later- not tearing up, but actively crying. I don't know! I know this isn't a big deal, I know I know I know I know. Why?

So of course, this leads to self-examination, which usually leads to more crying, but for different reasons, although if Mom or Meagan see me still upset they will both say something derogatory to me, which may cause me to explode.

Now, I posted a while back about my mother's love of another over me; I definitely feel that I am justified in that. However, I never really thought I was jealous of her attention to my sisters. I think maybe I do have some deep-seated jealousy issues, though. I think maybe this small situation was perceived as another slight to me, another choice, I suppose, made in favor of Meagan over me. I know that is over-analyzing, but I have stepped out of myself and tried to figure out why such a small incident would upset me so much, and I think that's it.

I have thought before about the attention paid to the girls over the course of the years, specifically high school, but I didn't think I was in subconscious competition with them now. I am still jealous of how active Mom was in basketball, and even the other sports to some extent, but how she was never excited about drama or annual staff or the things that were important to me. I could go on about this, but it's rather pointless... the thing is, I thought recognizing these things about myself and in turn accepting the jealousy instead of denying it would in turn make it go away. Well, it hasn't, and I'm not sure what to do to fix myself.

I do know that I will not be plagued by these issues for the rest of my life. I will not be in therapy at age 40 for this. EVERYONE has to take responsibility for their own actions at some point. I have friends who blame the world for everything. That won't be me. I will not continue to feel like I am owed something, and I will not carry this bitterness around me for the rest of my life.

I don't know how to make it go away. But I am trying.

...I am in repair...

It's not enough to smile, everybody can smile! So she twirled and twirled.

Wednesday night was a good night. Upon Lindsey's suggestion, the four Mullen children decided to become drunken piles of cheap wine and skewed memories. It was amazing. Graham, Meagan, and I had class/school/work at 8 in the morning, but we decided anyway. It was a bad decision. It was a decision I do not regret. I'm in love with my family. I am reminded of the old church reading about the body-- how the eye needs the hand and what not. I need my family. Every member is a piece. If you know one of them, you know some part. They are the puzzle pieces that make this picture colored me, and I am thankful for that. Someday soon I give you a sporadic list of words which may appear meaningless. This will be my stream of conscionness as I record every memory we dredged up Wednesday night. You will not get most of them. I will not care.

I am doing a very good job not thinking about Bo. I can't cry all the time.

I'm here in BIrimingham now; everyone else is in bed. I spent a good deal of time talking with Tyler tonight, and I am happy about that. I hope I know him a good long time. We spent sometime by the lake tonight... I love the water... I am a Cancer through and through.

The drive down here was nice... it was rainy, yes, but not to the point of nervousness. It was nice. I listened to Details by Frou Frou. It's amazing.

DInner with my family at Applebe's was spiritual. Now it's time to guzzle some tap water. I'm goig to bed.

You always said never lay the hammer on the top of the ladder; it'll hit you on the head.

Bo is missing. How is my lame deformed cat missing? Good question.

He and Dad have hung out today, both being invalids at the moment. I called Mom a bit ago to make sure Lindsey was home safely and to check the status of the patients, and she said Bo was missing. Apparently Dad took him outside for a little bit, and I guess he must have gone inside for something or who knows, and when he came back, the cat was gone. WTF? The cat has been totally imobile since Saturday. I don't know... apparently the whole family is a little in shock... I know as soon as I get home, I'm going to look for him, but I don't know why... I highly doubt I know that house and yard any better than the other five members of my family.

In happier news, all six of us will be at home tonight. That is the nicest thing that's happened in a very long time. I think we'll all be sleeping in different rooms, though, which is just plain odd. I honestly don't think that has EVER occured. No exaggeration. I cannot remember a time when all of us were home but all in different rooms, nor can I think of any occasion where that would have happened. Strange.

I'm high enough from all the waiting...

I'm gonna be straight with you... I think I've had to much wine tonight. It was not intentional.

Bo is not to good. I called Britni and bawled to her for a bit, then Matt called me (which made me feel VERY special) and I talked to him for a bit, too. I called Lindsey and told her; I hope that was the right decision. The thing is, there's nothing she can do about it in Tuscaloosa, and I know that, and she knows that. But I remember when I lived in Birmingham, I would rather know what was going on as well as the rest of the family, even if I wasn't there. Matt re-affirmed those thoughts, and Lindsey, I hope calling you was okay. If it wasn't, I'm sorry... I'm sorry anyway... I didn't want to mess up your night.

I'm not going to give you details now, but suffice it to say that Bo needs upwards of $2,000 in order to be okay, and that's quite a chunk of change... a chunk we don't have. He could potentially be alright with an $800 surgery, but it's unlikely that the one surgery will be enough. Maybe next week I'll be updating about how we came up with the money and he's in recovery, or how we did the one surgery and it turns out he's just fine... maybe.

Classes were fun today... Chaucer was funny because we got into religion, and it amuses me to see people so passionately defend something I can't even begin to see as an entirely truthful document.... oh, people. Oh, well.

Philosophy was kinda interesting, though I spent most of the time thinking instead of paying attention. Gender Communications was interesting, as always. We studied mixed-sex dyads, and whether it is realistic to have close friends of opposite sexes. The knee-jerk reaction is "yes," obviously, but we studied some of the societal pressures of these dyads to either form a relationship or break off, I found that most of the stereotypes were true of the relationships I hold with straight men... I think the exception, which we didn't study, is when the male friend (in my case) already has an established relationship with another friend. An example of this is found in When Harry Met Sally, which I have never seen, but which is also at the top of my movie list right now. Another interesting thing we studied: whether men confide more in other men or in women, and where women confide in other women or in men more often. So here's what the studies show: in the teenage years, males are equally likely to confide in other males as in females. As they reach adulthood, men are more likely (with app. 9 to 2 odds) to confide in women as oppose to women. Studies show the exact opposite is true for women; as teenagers, they are 9 to 2 odds more likely to confide in another female than to confide in a male, but as they reach full maturity they become equally likely to confide in other women or in men. Super intriguing and very accurate as I reflect back on my personal experiences and the experiences of my friends. Pretty spiffy.

I had like 12487 spelling erros, but I ran spell check. No more drink for Grace tonight! Someone please call me tomorrow... I am craving some love. I'm going to Birmingham Thursday. I will need cuddling, and lots of it. You have been warned.

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds.

I took Bo to the vet this morning... they sedated him and have probably x-rayed him by now. I then came here to good ol' UNA, but my first class was cancelled because Dr. Minor is sick. I have a test Wednesday in there and in Philosophy... yay. I've got Chaucer in about 20 minutes; hurray for the Canterbury tales! I really enjoy all my classes this term. I'm still sick of school.

Graham and I talked for a good while last night, and it was great. We talked about Harry Potter, and discussed the two characters Rowling is gonna kill off in the next book. Thoughts on that? We decided Hermione is pretty safe. I think Rowling may have been slightly misleading when she said two people were going to die... that leads us all to assume some of our beloved characters are going to meet their end, but she never specified whether they would be good guys are bad guys. Not that I think she's beyond killing off anyone at this point, but I also think she enjoys the suspense. If it is one of the kids, I think Ron or Ginny are at the top of the list... and I will bawl. The deaths in her books are generally emotional, though, and those might have the most impact. Not only are readers going to feel their own loss, they will experience the loss felt by Harry, Hermione, the Weasleys... ugh, I hope she doesn't kill them.

I may have mentioned this already, but the apartment at Hensley Square will be ready on the 25th; they're putting in new carpet and painting the walls... it should be spiffy. I put down the deposit, I've transfered my utilities; Jessica and I still have one more bill to pay, then it's just me. I'm dreading not having a washer and dryer, because that's just a lot more convientent, and I'm not especially happy about the lack of dish washer, but I suppose I will survive. :)

I've been reading old journal entries over the weekend... it's fun and interesting... I'm also adding tags to all the entries, so I believe you can search your name and find every post in which you've been mentioned... well, not every post yet, I'm not even through 2004, but it's a long term goal. I'm tagging you even if you are just mentioned.

I suppose I should head to class now. Weee!

And it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time.

Did you all get that? Are you sure? Let me repeat the title of this post, just in case you missed it:

And it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time.

I'm still not sure if you recognize and appreciate the full impact of the statement; I'm not sure if I recognize and appreciate everything that short sentence encompasses, but it has certainly left its indentions.

There's a secret magic past world that you only notice when you're looking back at it.

All those evenings on the back deck of our first apartment
They meant everything, but the wind just carried them off,
And you can't go back now... just a passing moment gone...

And the tree was happy... but not really.

I took the boys to the library Thursday, and we read The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein. I rarely make it through the book without crying a little. If you've never read it, I recommend you do so immediately. Unconditional love... what an amazing thing.

In other news, I'm staying on the Blvd. until the 25th of this month. My future apartment is getting new carpet and fresh paint... it should be very nice. Living at home has been really nice, actually... I love spending the time with my parents and sister and brother. Yes, I still feel tension every time Mom and Dad are in the same room together (even if it's just me that's tense), but generally things are good. Bo hurt himself today. He was so pitiful... I spent all afternoon with him. We think he's knocked his hips out of place again; last time they had to bind his back legs for several weeks, and then he was fine. He was just in a lot of pain, though... we took a nap before I came here to work. I hope he's feeling better.

Thursday night I subbed at the daycare a bit, then headed over to O'Brian's, which was trey fun. He was a wonderful host, and I got to meet his friend Brianna (who seemed very fun), and we talked to Noel and watched some Fight Club, and later T.J. and Jessica showed up. After that we did a little car swapping and whatnot, then headed over to shoot some pool at Sidepockets and watch the Middlemen perform (sans Brianna, who went home). They were great, of course. Pool was fun... Teej and I played several games, and though I lost most of them, I did a lot better than I usually do, and I was happy about that. I practiced with Mom and Graham at DP's last weekend, and Mom gave me some pointers. ;)

Last night Jessica and I got ice cream, which we ate down at the docks by McFarland... that was fun, albeit chilly. And there you have it, folks: the goings on of yours truly.

P.S. Read my next post. Yes, they are lyrics. Read them anyway, especially if you are named Jessica or O'Brian, or if you visited Bungalow 12.

Jesus is never mad at us if we live with him in our hearts.

I hate to break it to you, but he is, he most definitely is.


Hensley called today; they have an apartment open! How exciting is that?! I'm no longer in limbo! I talked to Jonathan today; I think that was good luck. :)

Friday night Meaghan and Jessica came over and we had some chocolate cake and pizza and it was a really nice night. It's been a really great weekend. Every morning I walk outside and think "Really? It's this pretty again?" And the rest of the day is just extra smiley because of that.

Joe and Melissa are supposed to be coming to visit like next weekend... so... probably not gonna happen, which means Joe owes us 20 bucks. Mwahahaha. Other things of interest... I walked two miles with Graham and the pups yesterday... that was fun. Bach is amazing. He has such a great personality... for those who didn't know, he's the latest addition to the Mullen clan; an adorable kitten who's been here for several months now. Aww.


You're the Hitler! We took a Sudanese refugee into our home!!!

This post was really meant for yesterday.

Nights like tonight leave me aching for the water. I want to undress completely and jump. I want to absorb the freezing liquid as it brushes my shivering limbs. I want to float on my back and embrace the cold. I want to savor my flesh above surface, where the wind can tickle and cut. I want to feel my skin tighten and my scalp prickle and my teeth chatter and my heart clench. I want to gently rock until I have control of everything that is mine: until the muscles relax and the breathing slows and the chattering subsides, and as my heart gradually decompresses. I want to experience a baptism of my own design. I want to step out of the water and be cleansed.

I want to wake up new.

I need this old train to break down.

I figure I've got a good theme going with the titles... Jack Johnson, marry me, please?

I went to a protest today... it was pretty sweet. The speakers were a lot more intelligent than I had excpected. I never had much interest in protests because I've never felt very strongly about any of the big issues that people are protesting. That's not to say that I don't think they're important... they are just not the battles I was meant to fight. Anyway, this did stir some emotion... the speakers (though not neccessarily the protesters) were well-spoken and brought up several good points... I guess I was expecting more one-sided propoganda and government bashing and Bush-hating, and that kinda stuff, though good to get out some frustration sometimes, seems counter-productive to me. Well, they didn't do that; they were fantastic. There's supposed to be a big march on this school in Georgia coming- apparently this is the college for American terrorists. I actually think it'd be quite an experience to join... anybody up for it? O'Brian?

In other news... hmm, not much. It's been a pretty good day. After Wilson Park I came here, to the Tomlinson's, and the boys have been good. William is very trying recently, though Harris and I seem to be getting a lot closer. It's nice. Umm... The Middlemen are playing locally a week from today, I believe... I know several of you have seen them with me... I dunno if I'm going, but assuming I am, is anyone else interested? Lemme know.

...I want to get off and go home again.

Once in a while, when it's good
It'll feel like it should,
And they're all still around,
And you're still safe and sound,
And you don't miss a thing,
'Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark...

...singing "stop this train,
I want to get off and go home again,
I can't take the speed it's moving in.
I know can't, but honestly, won't someone stop this train?"

Stop this train...

I really must start blogging more. I want to write so much, but I don't make time, then when I do update, I only want to get out what's on my mind at the moment. Grr. So much to remember. This journal will be fun to look back on one day, though. I will post things of significance that I can remember off the top of my head:

Thursday night we had fondu, and let me tell you, that was a hoot and a half. Participants included T.J., Graham, O'Brian, Jeff, Jessica, Chris, and myself, as well as a special guest appearance by one Jonathan Dunlap. We had cheese dip as the main meal with bread and meat and about eight different veggies; then we washed the pot and put together a chocolate dip for our strawberries, bananas, nectarines, graham crackers, and marshmellows. That was one of the best nights ever, I think.

Friday after class, Jessica, Jeff, and I headed to Birmingham, where we saw Britni, Lance, Thomas, Karen, Joe, Jennifer, and Mark, as well as assorted other loverly people like Jessica and Tyler. I hope I didn't leave anyone out. THAT was a top night, ladies and gents... I don't think I'll ever tire of Captain Dickhead... it's so much fun! We also watched some Dane Cook and ate some candy and smoked more cigarettes than I have smoked in a LONG time... Lance is such a bad influence... ;)

We had to leave early Saturday because Jessica had work at 12, but we did that, no problem, and I spent a good bit of the day packing. Sunday morning I awoke and moved a lot of the big furniture outside for Dad and Graham to pick up, which they did, and then another load Monday evening. We should be outa there by now, but we're not. Tomorrow, though, definitely. I hope something at Hensley Square opens up soon. I hate I hate I hate that when I leave here tonight, though, I can't go to Bungalow 12 and have a snack and watch a movie and go to sleep. I miss it already, and we haven't even turned in the keys.

I've been a bit of an emotional wreck these last couple weeks; turns out the last two weeks have been awful all around, from what I hear... no one seems to have had an easy time of it. This, too, shall pass, right? It must.

I slept at Jeff's Monday night and he fixed us breakfast in the morning before work, and I haven't felt so special in a long time. Last night I slept at my parents', and that was nice. It really was. I love my family so much. Mom was asleep when I got in, but she came in the office at like 4 this morning and was like "Who is that?!" and I mumbled a sleepy "me" and she gave me the biggest hug ever and I almost woke up enough to cry, but instead I drifted back to sleep. It's recently come to my attention that perhaps Shareese can understand how I feel about her better than anyone, because I think you go through the same sort of thing with your family... it's like... all the negative is there and it's awful and it hurts, but the positive is there too, and these people are wonderful and beautiful and loved (I may be way off, but I was thinking about you today, and I came to that conclusion). I guess we're so used to positive and negative canceling each other that it's hard to deal with their co-existance. I love my mom more than I can possibly express. When something goes wrong (outside of family stuff) she is the first person I want to call and I can still throw myself into her arms when I really desparately need a hug. I think all this good is what makes the bad so difficult to deal with... I don't think I can deal with all the bad that is inside of me because of her anymore, but if could somehow find out whether letting her know would help me (and her) or just ruin what good there is, it would make things more difficult.

Enough rambling about that... in other news, Morgan turned 13 a couple days ago. Uncle Wade's birthday was last month, too, as was Aunt Dana's. He's been gone for almost three years now, I guess. When Graham and Dad came over Monday, we talked for probably an hour out beside his loaded truck; we talked about Mom and family and school and work and apartments and death. He told us about getting the call for Grand-Bob, and getting the call for Uncle Wade. He told us about calling his siblings, and worst of all calling Grandmomma and telling her. I have ached and ached for my grandmother, but I never had the visual before. I hate that... he was at the house on York Circle, and he had to call her and tell her to come over, and she must have known something was wrong from the very beginning, but driving up and seeing the house with two fire trucks and police cars there, and Dad in the driveway...

Ugh.

Sorry to be depressing, but with September gone, he's on my mind a lot. It's of some comfort to me that, as I type this, my eyes keep welling up, as they do whenever I think about him to much. I think that's a good thing.. I will be very sad if a day comes and I stop missing him, though I imagine that day will come, when the wound will be so covered in new memories, good and bad, and he will be thought of in passing with a twinge of regret, but he will no longer be mourned. I suppose that isn't a bad thing.

In closing, my dad is my hero, I have amazing friends, and my life is perfect-- you can't tell by all the fingerprints covering the class, but once those are wiped away, the perfection will once again be obvious.

And also, I'm not proof-reading... :)

How to Watch Your Brother Die

A poem by Michael Lassell.

When the call comes, be calm.
Say to your wife, "My brother is dying. I have to fly
to California."
Try not to be shocked that he already looks like
a cadaver.
Say to the young man sitting by your brother's side,
"I'm his brother."
Try not to be shocked when the young man says,
"I'm his lover. Thanks for coming."

Listen to the doctor with a steel face on.
Sing the necessary forms.
Tell the doctor you will take care of everything.
Wonder why doctors are so remote.

Watch the lover's eyes as they stare into
your brothers eyes as they stare into
space.
Wonder what they see there.

Remember the time he was jealous and
opened your eyebrow with a sharp stick.
Forgive him out loud
even if he can't
understand you.
Realize the scar will be all that's left of him.

Over coffee in the hospital cafeteria
say to the lover, "You're an extremely good-looking
young man."
Hear him say,
"I never thought I was good enough looking to
deserve your brother."

Watch the tears well up in his eyes. Say,
"I'm sorry. I don't know what it means to be
the lover of another man."
Hear him say,
"It's just like a wife, only the commitment is
deeper because the odds against you are so much
greater."
Say nothing, but
take his hand like a brother's.

Drive to Mexico for unproven drugs that might
help him live longer.
Explain what they are to the border guard.
Fill with rage when he informs you,
"You can't bring those across."
Begin to grow loud.
Feel the lover's hand on your arm
restraining you. See in the guard's eye
how much a man can hate another man.
Say to the lover, "How can you stand it?"
Hear him say, "You get used to it."
Think of one of your children getting used to
another man's hatred.

Call your wife on the telephone. Tell her,
"He hasn't much time.
I'll be home soon." Before you hang up say,
"How could anyone's commitment be deeper than
a husband and wife?" Hear her say.
"Please. I don't want to know all the details."

When he slips into an irrevocable coma,
hold his lover in your arms while he sobs,
no longer strong. Wonder how much longer
you will be able to be strong.
Feel how it feels to hold a man in your arms
whose arms are used to holding men.
Offer God anything to bring your brother back.
Know you have nothing God could possibly want.
Curse God, but do no
abandon Him.

Stare at the face of the funeral director
when he tells you he will not
embalm the body for fear of
contamination. Let him see in your eyes
how much a man can hate another man.

Stand beside a casket covered in flowers,
white flowers. Say,
"Thank you for coming," to each of several hundred men
who file past in tears, some of them
holding hands. Know your brother's life
was not what you imagined. Overhear two
mourners say, "I wonder who'll be next?" and
"I don't care anymore,
as long as it isn't you."

Arrange t o take an early flight home.
His lover will drive you to the airport.
When your flight is announced say,
awkwardly, "If I can do anything, please
let me know." Do not flinch when he says,
"Forgive yourself for not wanting to know him
after he told you. He did."
Stop and let it soak in. Say,
"He forgave me, or he knew himself?"
"Both," the lover will say, not knowing what else
to do. Hold him like a brother while he
kisses you on the cheek. Think that
you haven't been kissed by a man since your
father died. Think,
"This is no moment not to be strong."

Fly first class and drink Scotch. Stroke
your split eyebrow with a finger and
think of your brother alive. Smile
at the memory and think
how your children will feel in in your arms,
warm and friendly and without challenge.

Is there any more room for me in those jeans?

Cramps! Yay!

And class and work... I called about getting an apartment at Hensley square this morning. They're holding it for me until tomorrow so I can look at it. I guess I'll sign the lease then... the only thing I don't like is no dishwasher and no washer/dryer hook-ups. Uggggghhhhhhh. What makes it a BIG plus is how close it is to the Tomlinson's.

That reminds me (unfortunately) that I had a horrible nightmare last night about the boys. I was awful. I can't wait to see them this afternoon. They didn't die, as people usually do in my dreams. It would have been better that way, though.

I spent a great deal of time Monday watching Boy Meets World. It was so refreshing to watch some simply comedy. I love a lot of funny things, but this was so innocent and wonderful... no political commentary, G-rated sex jokes... fantastic. That night I also watched Fight Club for the first time- very good, though I think my expectations were a little high. Last night we watched Peter Pan. I LOVE that movie. That little boy is so beautiful. I had to go to bed before we finished it, though. Sad day.

Fondu Thursday! I'm very excited!

I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

I'm going to be angsty and upset for another moment today.

I've been trying for quite some time now to reconcile myself with some of the anger and resentment issues I have with my mother. As I laid down for a nap a little bit ago, many of these things started surfacing once again, and in a half-asleep state I started imagining the arguement that will never actually happen where I finally get to tell her how much she hurt me.

In my head I'm just yelling all these things, and out of my mouth pops "Fuck you for loving her more than you love me."

That had never occured to me. Never. I never once put those words together. But I think that might be the root of my problems.

I think the tears are proof positiive.

Hey! Let's go out dancing! You want to go out to Montauk with me?

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Turning my computer on. I have that effect on electronics. Too bad I don't have the same effect on women.
~Trevor James Joiner, esq.

I thought that was to funny not to share, T.J. The fact that it's totally false makes it even funnier. ;)

So... I haven't updated (really updated) in quite some time. I had a list of things I'd written down from my trip to Gulf Shores that I wanted to write about, but I can't find it now. I think I'll go for the bullets style update and hit some of the high points of the last couple weeks:

~ we had a big group over for burgers and portebellos and salad and other such goodies
~ I got stung by a jelly fish
~ I brought lots of butter home from the hotel room
~ Andrew disappeared
~ Jessica, Jeff, Chris, and I ate at O'Charley's (where we saw O'Brian) and then played Cranium
~ chocolate cake shots are the shit
~ Graham and I drove to Tuscaloosa to visit our beautiful sister Lindsey
~ We went caching (unsuccessfully) and I got to an old Bryce Hospital (it was horrible)
~ I had a random conversation with someone who texted me on accident~ I finally hung out with Niki at the fair
~ Jessica and I got into the fair free and had a fantastic time
~ I've been hit on or shouted at (in a good way) at least three times this week (NOT on the internet!)

So... I could type a paragraph about each of those things, and I might, but not now. Classes are good. I'm signing a lease on a one bedroom this week, probably in O'Brian's complex. This would be good for several reasons, including it's proximity to UNA and work. If I can get an apartment there, I will probably start walking to Rosario's, which will be fantastic for gas and, more importantly, health. I'm really happy about this.

Sometimes my mother makes me so angry I want to hit her in the face. I love her. I love her more than I can possibly express. I am thankful for her every day, and I would not trade her for anyone else. But she pisses me the fuck off. Graham came to hang out with Niki and me and I had asked him to grab some money because I was short and couldn't get an arm band, and apparently Mom got really pissy over this... what the fuck?!?? Do you have any idea how much money they/she has blown on my siblings (especially the girls, and DEFINITELY Meagan) in the last several years? I NEVER, and I mean NEVER ask them for money. I have picked up groceries and cigarettes and other things for their house and not asked to be paid back. I could go on, but I won't. I would hate for someone to pick today to check out my page and see what I'm about, only to discern that I'm some whiny teenager. I really don't complain about my parents very much. But damn... I really feel like I should not ever ever ever have to even hesitate to ask them for money, not for stuff I want, and certainly not for stuff I need. One of the reasons I feel I shouldn't have to is because I wouldn't take advantage of that (NOT that my siblings have... Meagan is ridiculously catered to, yes, but they never say no, so why not, on her part, ya know?) I have to stop typing now. I hate rants like these because I could go on forever for one, and for another I don't want to read things like this in a couple years. I want to remember the good stuff.

Anyway. Plans for this weekend? Birmingham Friday, then working and packing Saturday, then moving Sunday... wow. I will miss Bungalow 12 very much.

I've missed you, blog.

Promiscuous girl, wherever you are, I'm all alone, and it's you that I want.

That's all.




Just kidding; I have so much to tell you, but I'm very tired. Class was good. Work was good. I think I shall retire now. I love you.

I was out of town Monday, so here is a belated tribute.

I will always have your back and be curious about you.

Unsent = wonderful song.

Yesterday was good. I'm sore as blazes from tubing. Katie and I took a bad fall and I jarred my neck pretty bad... so of course I kept tubing, and Jeff and I landed after a tremendous leap... I believe I'll remember that one for a long time.

My family is freaking fantastic. I love them. Dinner was great. Lindsey and Graham came over for a bit, and Lindsey ended up spending the night... we (Lindsey, Andrew, Jeff, Jessica, Chris, and me) watched Hostile last night, which is not a Quintin Taretino (spelling?) film at all, whatever they may tell you. It's pretty much just gross. After that, we watched The Little Mermaid, which was wonderful, of course.

I've been with the boys since 8 this morning. I thought I would have been out of here like 4 hours ago, but Rosario's still not home. No big deal, I guess, and the money's nice, but I thought I'd be out at the lake by now chiling with the family some more. Uncle Jim and Aunt Alice are in town for Labordabor. I guess I'll go eat there. Stephen should be home soon.

Jeff and Andrew and Lindsey made my day 2308249 times better by coming to the park this afternoon. Thanks, guys.

Please do.

...and in their purses were candy bars. How happy were they?







Have that kind of happy.

Wandering down this road that we call life...

I've got to stop watching clips from this show. They depress me so much, it's ridiculous. I don't even know why. It's stupid. It's just knowing that it ran for so long and the characters developed and changed so much and then it stopped and... grr. It's probably because I have such fond memories of this particular series. TGIF on ABC. Good times.

You know, I bawl at the last episode of every show I watch. It doesn't matter if I've ever seen another episode. I just think of what it must be like to work with a group of people for so long and to be so involved with the fictional characters as well as the real characters, and then to have that phase of your life end... anyway, moving on...

Speaking of crying, I watched Lady in the Water at the cheap theatre with Jeff and Andrew tonight, and it was fantastic. Okay, that's not quite true; I had to make a concious desicion to stop analyzing the movie and just enjoy it. I have a HUGE crush on Story... she's so innocent and fragile and beautiful and I want to bear her children. Anyway, it was good.

Before that we had Meaghan and Jeff and O'Brian over for hamburgers and portebella burgers and salad and green beans with almonds and and and it was so fun! Jonathan and Meagan were supposed to come, but they bailed. T.J. was invited to, but we didn't expect him to show. It was really fun.

After the movie, Jeff and Andrew and I went to Rivertown and then came here to meet Andrew's cousin Jessica and her friend Stephanie, then my Jessica got home and Chris came back over and we watched some fun clips on YouTube from Jon Stewart and Rocky Horror and such, and Andrew dressed up and danced for it.

Today has been a good day. I'm sorry I didn't post sequentially, but I hope you can decipher the order of events. :)

This is way to fun to pass by...

So... here are sixteen quotes from some of my favorite movies. Let's see if you can guess them all! No googling, now! And then you do it for me, because it's fun to guess, too! Thanks to the lovely Noel for this bit of excitement! And also... this is posted on lj, myspace, blogspot, and facebook... let's see which readers can get them first!

1. I know, that I am very fortunate to have a lady friend who just happens to have an Adam's Apple.

2. It's called the Freedom of Information Act, Kate. The hippies finally got something right! Ha-ha! Just kidding. But not really.

3. Yeah, I love you. (I'll have more of this quote later... I have to pop the movie in, though, because I can't find it online, and it's my favorite part.)

4. Don't just jump off like lemmings! Take a look around!

5. Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh - erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Don't dream it, be it.

6. Speak for yourself. You may be a sinner, but I ain't yet had the opportunity.

7. He tastes like you but sweeter!

8. No, no, STOP. I've waited my entire life for somebody that I cared about to tell me they loved me and if you think you're getting out of this car now, you're INSANE.

9. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

10. Death, you are my bitch lover!

11. We're not in infinity. We're in the suburbs.

12. I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it.

13. I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.

14. Mom, I can't talk right now, I'm having sex with a white woman.

15. I want always to be a boy, and have fun.

16. I thought you killed yourself. That wasn't you?

Be nicer than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Mr. Dick Hoyt

by Rick Reilly

I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay for their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots. But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck. Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars -- all in the same day (doing the Ironman Triathlon). Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. on a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much -- except save his life.

This love story began in Winchester, Mass., 43 years ago, when Rick was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs. "He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life," Dick says doctors told him and his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old, "Put him in an institution." But the Hoyts weren't buying it.

They noticed the way Rick's eyes followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. "No way," Dick says he was told. "there's nothing going on in his brain." "Tell him a joke," Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a lot was going on in his brain. Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? "Go Bruins!"

And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, "Dad, I want to do that." Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described "porker" who never ran more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he tried. "then it was me who was handicapped,"

Dick says. "I was sore for two weeks." that day changed Rick's life. "Dad," he typed, "when we were running, it felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!" And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

"No way," Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Boston the following year. Then somebody said, "Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?" How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick tried. Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii. It must be a buzz kill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? "No way," he says. Dick does it purely for "the awesome feeling" he gets seeing Rick with a cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together. This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992 -- only 35 minutes off the world record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time. "No question about it," Rick types. "My dad is the Father of the Century." And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries was 95% clogged. "If you hadn't been in such great shape," one doctor told him, "you probably would've died 15 years ago." So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life. Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass., always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day. That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy. "The thing I'd most like," Rick types, "is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once."

<

And in my best behaviour, I am really just like him.

Oh goodness. Life is not so bad.

We have power in the apartment now, which is nice. I like all my classes, which is nicer. I'm tired, but that's okay. I'm glad to be back at the day care. I love Harris and William more every time I see them, and I know they love me.

Some killer bands are going to be at Big Spring Jam this year. I'm pretty pumped about that. I had Arby's tonight, and I'm happy about that, too.

And a time for every purpose under heaven.

All human life has its seasons,and no one's personal chaos can be permanent:
Winter, after all, does not last forever, does it?
There is summer, too, and spring, and though sometimes
when branches stay dark and the earth cracks with ice
one thinks they will never come,
that spring, that summer,
but they do,
and Always.

You'd think that people would of had enough of silly love songs.

Thank a lot, Jessica. I couldn't figure out what song was in my head all day!

So... I haven't been this excited about school-- specifically college- in a loooooong time. I am inclined to believe this is a good thing. I'm especially excited at writing again. I can't believe how much I've missed it! I really have, though, and I'm ready to start again. I'm sure I'll be rusty at first, but it should come back fairly quickly, right?

At the day care last night Chris, Chris who you've heard of many a time, was pretending to race his car, and it was really sweet. He's nine now, but still rarely acts like it, and this moment of childlike playtime was nice to see... until he pretended to jerk his car to a stop and roll down the window. "Mann, why'd you pull me over?!" Then he went to "jail" and had one of the play phones and had several conversations along the lines of "Man, you better get me out of here or I'm gonna kill all you and your families!"

Sad, huh? I had asked him the night before what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he said a rapper. And I asked what else he might wanna be, should that fail. And he said a robber. If not that, he wants to fight pit bulls.

I'm going to bring him pictures of robbers and pitbulls all torn up and sad Monday, and some pictures of nice pits and firefighters and policemen, and hopefully spin things off in a good way. Once I got him talking about those last two options, he actually was more interested. Those are normal nine year old dream jobs, aren't they? Maybe some astronat pics?

So now a question, and I'm going to aim it specifically at my black friends, though I'm sorry to segregate and I value opinions from everyone: any idea how I can get this kid uninterested in this kind of behaviour? I'm not suggesting he's acting up because he's black or any such nonsense, but I am saying that he has been taught that to be a cool, to be black, he has to be a thug and he has to cuss and hit women (yes, we have conversations to that effect... he's so young to have seen that stuff...), and when he's in trouble, he thinks it's because he's black and we are white (even though half the day care instructers are black... when he's in trouble with them, he just thinks it's because they're mean, but when it's with us, it's because we're out to get him). I think I'm doing all that I can, considering what needs to be done is he should be taken out of his home, but I figured I'd ask for suggestions anyway. Surely he's not already lost in society at nine years old?

On a happier note, one of my professors mentioned Flipper yesterday, and that made me super happy. I remember that show. :)

Life may not be the party we hoped for...

...but while we are here, we should dance!

And so it is, just like you said it would be...

I got our lease extended for another month. This takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders. To much at the same time; I was REALLY close to my breaking point two days ago, but now things are stable again. Pipeline is also letting me register online now, which makes life a LOT better. I'm happy.

I'm starting to become excited about school. This came out of nowhere. I have been dreading it until yesterday, when all of a sudden I kinda thought "hmm, this could be fun." Now, this didn't cancel out the dread or the lack of enthusiasm, it's merely in addition to the negative feelings. Yes, I'm entertaining both at the same time.

I have the weirdest dreams. Last night I dreamt that I took Harris and William to Hunstville, because I was moving into a back room at the library there; I've never been to the library in my dream, but Kyle, you worked there. Then at like 10 in the evening Rosario came to get the boys and said "I thought you would have been back home by now," and only then did it occur to me in the dream that I hadn't even thought to ask if the boys could spend the night.

I saw Karen the day before yesterday, which I'm sure has a lot to do with my improved mood. After she left I went to BAM to help entertain Jessica, and I ended up staying there for like 4 hours. I bought a cheapo notebook and got a stack of cook books and started copying recipes I liked. Before that I read some more of The Five People You Meet in Heaven and I skimmed through some of my favorite V.C. Andrews books. It was great.

For a few brief moments, my whole family was at the house, and we talked in the foyer. I am so in love with each of them. Dad worries about us a lot, I think, and even though he doesn't say it very much, I think he is so proud of all of us and all that we do. Mom loves us so much, and she constantly surprises me with her support and her want for us to be happy. Lindsey is constantly changing and expanding, and she is to beautiful to keep it bottled up, so in turn the rest of us are given the chance to change and expand, always for the better. Graham thinks of us always, and his mellow love for us allows for a quiet peace that's hard to find other places. Meagan is more mature and beautiful every time I see her, and I know now more than ever that I can depend upon her as a sister and a friend; if I needed someone, she would be one of the first people I'd think to call.

I love you, Reader. Love me, too.

The trapeze act was wonderful.

Please, remember me, happily,
By the rosebush laughing,
With bruises on my chin
The time when we counted every black car
Passing your house beneath the hill
And up until someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank
A vision to removed to mention...

That's cool with me- it's not my favorite, but I'll do it for you.

I found another song about Grace by the Bacon Brothers... thanks for the overwhelming response to that post, by the way... and by overwhelming, I mean virtually non-existent. You'd think that having a livejournal, myspace, blogspot, and facebook would keep me connected, wouldn't you? Apparently not.

The boys are asleep and the parents should be back in an hour. After that I might go to Kid Safari and get the check that's sujpposed to come for me today, though I may wait until tomorrow. We shall see. I should probably go get it when I visit Shareese (which will be soon, I promise! Sorry for being out of touch...) because I have no money and no gas.

In a rather depressing turn of events, I've lost all the pictures I had on my computer. That includes some I can retrieve (some that Lance gave me and my high school pictures) but I lost all the web cam pics I had of Stephen, which means the pictures of the kittens I had and of Richie and most importantly, all the pics from my dorm room. This makes me want to cry, and it's been like three days since it happened, and it won't go away. I guess it will. Eventually. :(

Last night I ate dinner over here (as a guest, not as the nanny!) and it was really great. I love this family. We didn't say a blessing before the meal, and that was perhaps the most awkward I've ever felt before supper. I said my own silent prayer, but it was still ridiculously weird.

Tomorrow I work from 8-4 and then I'm off, woohoo! I think they want me to split my day Friday, but I'm not really down with that, so hopefully I won't end up saying yes if they ask me to. I don't like split days.

And now, because Kyle tagged me, six wierd things! Six more weird things, rather, as you can read the first six here... or here... or here. :) Seeing as I am one very odd duck, though, I will give you some new and original oddities:

1. Sometimes I go through phases where things don't make me cry, and then I miss the tears. For a while, I couldn't even tear up without conjuring up every sad moment in my life, and even then it didn't always work. Now I'm back to normal, and a good song at the right moment can set off the sprinklers. Not sobs, mind you, just trickles, and I like that.

2. I don't locked doors. I used to think that I just never thought to lock them, but I've realized over the course of this past year that it's not that. I just don't like them. It's like locking the doors means that I'm admitting that people can't be trusted, and I don't like that thought. (I do still lock them most of the time, of course, because I don't want to feel stupid one day if I get robbed ;)

3. I love the smell of rubbing alcohol. I absolutely love it.

4. I saw this on a postsecret the other day, and I realized it could be a confession of my own... anyway, when there's a group of people together, I wonder which one of us will die first. Not really in a morbid sort of way, just a curious sort of way. And I don't do this all the time, so if we're ever hanging out and you see me zone, don't assume I'm contemplating your future non-existance.

5. When I listen to a new cd, I'm absolutely enthralled by the knowledge that one day soon, I will be obsessive about several of the songs (assuming it's by a band I like, of course). I like knowing that a song that seems foreign and usually ends up as background music upon first listening will soon be stuck in my head for days on end. I feel the same way about new places... I like knowing that streets that unfamiliar will soon be fixed into my head and landmarks will seem unnecessary (as in the move to Florence).

6. When I want to concentrate on a song or what someone's saying, I often start signing what they're saying (spelling it out with one hand, only, not all out sign). This isn't so I can pay more attention; it give my hands something to do so I don't get fidgety and my mind doesn't drift, but it doesn't occupy all of my mind.

That was the end, but I forgot that I was going to mention my trip Tuscumbia with April last week... I took her to the doc, and Landon is BEAUTIFUL and April is radiant, of course. After I dropped her off, I drove by Micah's old house. I almost drove past it. It was so weird. Years ago I could have found that place in the dark. It was still beautiful, and it made me kind of sad in a strange sort of way; I have a lot of memories from that house. Good memories, most all of them. It just got me to thinking about him and about Stephen and about various other relationships I had or almost had or wish I could have or am happy I don't have.

What a long blog! Oh my!

Fantastic French Toast!

I made some fantastic French toast... banana stuffed on raisin bread... hit me up for the recipe. ::

I should have started posting earlier... the Tomlinson's will probably be back any minute. I have so much to tell you, reader... thoughts on life... tales of my recent expereinces... I can't start them now, though, because I will surely get to caught up in them. Maybe later this evening; I think I'm gonna spend the night at my parents' house. My sister is back, hurray! I have a dentist appointment at 8:30 tomorrow morning in Muscle Shoals; I'm going to try and schedule an eye exam tomorrow, too.

Get this: I haven't seen my UNA id in months... I remember not really caring that much after I lost it because we were supposed to get new ones anyway (which I never did) and the old one doesn't work for anything. So, when I went to get my pink eye checked out, they said I'd need my id if I wanted to be recognized on my dad's insurance or some mess like that... I'm thinking this means I'ma have to wait until school starts before I can get some glasses (which I'm wanting more and more... I'm tired of not being able to see anything). Yesterday, William hands me my id while we're playing in the livng room. I guess I lost it among the toys here.

Karma, anyone? I hope so.

As if I need any more proof that there is a God and that's he's looking out for me... one little miracle after another. :)

I thought the Tomlinsons would be home by now. If they're here by 11, that will mean I've worked 12 hours today. Dag, yo... that's awesome. I need the money. 8 hours yesterday, 8 tomorrow and Thursday and Friday... at 7 an hour... $308 bucks. Good deal.

I just need 250 for an apartment deposit and 150 for utility deposit, oh, and let's not forget driving school...

and I don't want to be alone.

The double entendre that is my name.

Any additions? It's hard to search for lyrics about a person named Grace because the searches turn up about 203938 hits for Amazing Grace, plus a thousand more religious songs about grace... then there are the bands Three Days Grace and Moments in Grace... anyway, here's what I've found so far (and I've only actually heard a couple of these... yes, Gracie would be wonderful, too):

Gracie-girl - Ben Folds
Grace - U2
Grace - Robbie Williams
Grace - Jethro Tull*
Grace - Jeff Buckley
Saving Grace - The Cranberries*
Baby Grace (A Horrid Cassette) - David Bowie*
Princess Grace - Ben Graves (I can't find these lyrics to save my life)
Grace's Hands - Dave Barnes

* - indicate songs that could be about a person or the attribute... and also songs I can't decide if I like based on the lyrics

In other news, I'm at the Tomlinson's, and I'll be here tomorrow night, and I'll be working here until school starts!!! Lemme tell you, God definitely provides. Everytime I've been at my wits end this summer, struggling with money, specifically, something just seems to come up... Kelly (who has been working for them this summer) broke up with her boyfriend this week and has decided to move to Oklahoma with her parents, so I got a call this morning. Amazing.

It will be so nice to not worry about money so much. I'll still be broke, at least until I get my bank account balanced and driving school out of the way and get moved into the new apartment (still don't know where that will be), but I'll have a steady income... hurray!