But if I take my heart's advice, I should assume it's still unsteady.

Today has been a great day, but I'm not posting about that now. I'm so so so angry, and when I'm angry I cry (which just makes me angrier), and apparently I blog. Now, as I write this, I also know that I'm tired and I've got PMS, so yes, I understand that one small event has merely tipped the scales.

Meagan is a selfish bitch. That is not PMS, that's just a fact I've come to accept, and I love her dearly anyway. I was sleeping in the living room, as I don't have a room here. Meagan came in and turned on the television. Me: Hey, I'm sleeping in here. Meagan: Well, go in another room. Me: There are five TV's in the house, including one in your room by your bed. Go watch one of those. Meagan: No.

I briefly contemplate just turning the tube off, but then Meagan probably would have hit me, and then I would had to hit her back, and I just didn't feel like fight Meagan at the moment... not because I didn't really want to hit her, because that would have made me feel better, but because it's been such a good day and I didn't want to ruin it.

I do go towards the kitchen, where Mom is working, and as I walk in she says "You can go lay down in the office, I'm not in there anymore." Me: "Really Mom? That's some bullshit. Meagan's being just plain rude, and you know that. If you were napping in the living room, and anyone did the same, you would expect them to ask if you minded, at the very least." Actually, that was the condensed version of the conversation, and Mom agreed I was right, and said go lay somewhere else. ?!#$%!#$%!#$%!#$!@% Why do they let her get away with such crap?

Now, my real question is, why am I still so upset about this? It seems so insignificant. I don't know why I'm still bawling 15 minutes later- not tearing up, but actively crying. I don't know! I know this isn't a big deal, I know I know I know I know. Why?

So of course, this leads to self-examination, which usually leads to more crying, but for different reasons, although if Mom or Meagan see me still upset they will both say something derogatory to me, which may cause me to explode.

Now, I posted a while back about my mother's love of another over me; I definitely feel that I am justified in that. However, I never really thought I was jealous of her attention to my sisters. I think maybe I do have some deep-seated jealousy issues, though. I think maybe this small situation was perceived as another slight to me, another choice, I suppose, made in favor of Meagan over me. I know that is over-analyzing, but I have stepped out of myself and tried to figure out why such a small incident would upset me so much, and I think that's it.

I have thought before about the attention paid to the girls over the course of the years, specifically high school, but I didn't think I was in subconscious competition with them now. I am still jealous of how active Mom was in basketball, and even the other sports to some extent, but how she was never excited about drama or annual staff or the things that were important to me. I could go on about this, but it's rather pointless... the thing is, I thought recognizing these things about myself and in turn accepting the jealousy instead of denying it would in turn make it go away. Well, it hasn't, and I'm not sure what to do to fix myself.

I do know that I will not be plagued by these issues for the rest of my life. I will not be in therapy at age 40 for this. EVERYONE has to take responsibility for their own actions at some point. I have friends who blame the world for everything. That won't be me. I will not continue to feel like I am owed something, and I will not carry this bitterness around me for the rest of my life.

I don't know how to make it go away. But I am trying.

...I am in repair...