Well, it's been a depressing several days. Not all bad, but a few things have been fairly dismal. Tuesday night I went with Jessica, O'Brian, Meagan, Christian, and Chris to see Brokeback, which is sad, of course, although I didn't cry this time... just tears. *raises hand* We went to eat at Taco Bell afterwards (I got my food "Fresca" style, which was actually pretty good, and healthy, so yay). Then Meagan told me that they put Mario to sleep earlier that day. It hit me on the way home, so I went on the porch and had a good cry, and Jessica and O'Brian joined me, because they are the best friends anyone could ever wish for. Mario was preceded by his brother, Luigi, and their adopted sister, Perdida. We got those three at about the same time, which I think makes Mario's death a little bit more tragic... he was the last of a generation of pets, and his passing dredged up memories of Luigi and Perdida, making it all the more morose.
Last night was my last night at the day care. I'm on the sublist, which is nice... they've already booked me for one day at the end of this month, too. But it was sad. I didn't cry when I left, like I thought I would, but I think that's due in part to the numbness I felt after a conversation with Chris, whose eight. He asked about boyfriends and parents. He thought that when black people fight, they hit each other, and when white people fight, they don't. He honestly thought that's the way things worked. When I told him that wasn't true, he started asking if my dad hit my mom. I told him no, and he asked about the police and would they come if he did, and would I call the police if a man hit me. Chris didn't know what a marriage was. I said something about a married couple, and he honestly had no idea what that was. I tried to explain it, but he didn't understand the concept.
Later he asked if I'd ever seen anyone killed in front of me. I told him no, but I'd seen someone die, and I told him about Elsbie, which was sad enough to think about. He didn't know what cancer was. He knew about guns and robberies and domestic violence, but he had no knowledge of marriage or cancer. After he left his mother called back to ask about the fight he'd been in that day (before I got there). When I told her that the teachers had told me that he didn't started, she said "Good, 'cause I had told him that if anybody ever hit him he'd better hit back, or he'd be in trouble."
Overall, a depressing night.
I think it's neat how I ended up grieving for the daycare, though. When Chris's mother's boyfriend came to pick up the kids, he had to wake up Shania and Aquanzo, who are 3 and 4. They were both groggy and semi-crying, and I held them while the guy went to get their coats. Last night, I dreamed that I was holding Quanzo right after he'd woken up, and I couldn't stop crying. That's all I remember from last night-- a day care scene where I'm holding a little boy and crying. I even had a slight head-ache when I woke this morning, like I get after a good cry. But I don't feel very sad anymore... just kinda removed.
Jessica left me a note and some fruit snacks for when I got home, and a peppermint pattie (which I ate for breakfast ;), and those made me happy. I decided over the course of this week that I'm actually not going to apply to be a counselor at ASCAA this summer, for several reasons. I'd really like to spend the summer apartment living... I don't wanna give that up. I'm also thinking about taking some summer courses, though I don't know if I will or not. I'm also looking into getting some job experiences away from children and the mentally disabled, since those are my main concentrations. And camp will be there next year.
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