Snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch.

Happy Fat Tuesday, everyone! Lent starts tomorrow, and I'm so very excited! I think I'm more excited this year than ever before... not for the coming weeks, so much, as for the celebration at the end. It's usually one of my favorite services of the year. I am actually excited about the forty days to come, though. For those of you who don't know, the weeks before Easter are spent in self-sacrifice and abstinence. I didn't understand why that was important until a few years ago. Now I enjoy the opportunityto do without. I think it's important to step away from some of the superfluous things for a little bit. I don't think we should live like that all the time; I certainly have no intentions of joining a nunnery any time soon. ;) BUT, I do think it's cleansing to "put to rout all that [is] not life," if you will.

That aside, let me tell you about this past week. Thursday night I spent with the Tomlinson's, and it was fantastic, even though I stayed up much later than I should have. It was a pretty normal night with the kids, and they both went to sleep before 8. I talked to Britni for a while, which (obviously) made me feel special. Then Jessica came over and we played around online and watched some much needed Homestarrunner and ate dinner. I experimented with the jacuzzi, and it was somewhat disastrous, but it eventually filled and I had a nice warm bath in a huge tub. When I finally got out I got online and talked to Karen, and I think I slept better because of it. ;)

Friday morning the kids were great... I was worried that they'd be all a-panic with their parents gone, but they were absolutely fine, and we had French toast, and then Vanessa and Susanna showed up at 9 and I went on home to do laundry and clean and shower and the, onto the Marriott, where I found Lynn and Andrew and various other folks that I didn't even know I'd see (like Andrew Cotton and Virginia and Kee and Jeanie). Oh, and Graham was there, which was great, and the booth was wonderful, and it was all very grand, and then Jen and Lauren got there, improving an already sterling group. :-D

I had to go sub at Kid Safari from four to six, which was also fun. We played outside the whole time I was there, and the kids all ran up and hugged me and loved on me and overall: wonderful. Then I met Lynn and Andrew and Jen and Lauren and Lindsey at my grandmother's, where we had gumbo-- very appropriate for a group of Special Session counselors. :) Then everyone but Lynn and Grandmomma came to the apartment and we hung out there for a bit before returning to my grandmother's for coffee and liquor and desert. Huzzah! Then Andrew and Lindsey spent the night with me, and that, too, was great great fun.

There's only so much step by step posting I can do at one time, so, even though I ache to tell you all about Saturday and Sunday, it will have to wait, because I need to look up lyrics or storypeople or something less blasé . Also! We must must must get internet soon, because there is many-a-band that I need to download, including the Format and Something Corporate.

I can put down roots pretty quickly in the face of radical change, she said.

I was listening to a James Taylor song yesterday, and this lyric popped out: "Oh Mexico, sounds so simple I just got to go." Not much. Not a long piece, and not especially profound, but it has thrown me into a tizzy, if you will.

Do you ever think about doing just that? Just... leaving? I think about it all the time. I'm not unhappy with my life by any means, or dissatisfied... I just think it'd be wonderful... but it really can't be that simple, can it? You can't live on nothing, and even if I sold everything I own, I don't think the money would last me long. And there aren't really affordable condos on deserted beaches just waiting for me to arrive, and just because I decide it's time for a foreign romance doesn't mean that Don Juan is going to come walking along the shores to sweep me away.

But still... there's this fear that it really is that simple, that all the logic against it isn't logic at all. Sometimes I think logic is just a code word for excuse made up by those who missed the chance...

There's no place I could be without you.

I had a Political Science test today... that was a fun suprise at 8 this morning. I think I faired well, though, especially considering I don't have a book. I got back two exams today: Social Work (84) and Music Appreciation (86). Not bad considering the study time, or lack thereof, I devoted to the subjects. I was the only person in the class to get one of the bonus questions in Music. It was about the story of Daphne and Apollo, and that kinda blows me away... I knew that story before I even got in the class... I loved hearing it again... what is wrong with people?

We're watching Amaedaus in class right now... I really do love that movie. We watched it in Humanities years ago... so funny. I appreciate it a lot more now, I think. In news that is only slightly off-topic, I have been looking online for some music that we had when I was little. It was a set of four cassette tapes, and it contained four differnent stories: Mr. Back Comes to Call, Beethoven Lives Upstairs, Mozart's Magic Fantasy, and Vivaldi's Ring of Mystery. I would really love to find a set featuring these four, but it's proving pretty difficult. I've found several sites advertising "Classical Kids," which seems to be the manufacturer, but they all have two different sets, one including two of those and a third composer, and the other doing the same, at $35 per set. I did find one set including all four, but it was over fifty bucks, and it didn't include many details before purchasing, and I want to make sure I'm getting the stories, not just music. I also have this mental image of the picture on one of the covers (I believe the Mozart one) in my head, so I've kinda been on the lookout for that. The problem, of course, is memory... while I certainly remember this picture being on one of the cassette tapes, I'm not sure that it's a real memory... it was such a long time ago that it could be something I've just conjured up or some picture I just began to associate with the set.

Anyway, I'm going to splurge on this set soon. I really want it.

I have two books I ordered offline that should be on their way to the parent's house soon. One is called Lockpick Pornography, and one fothe authors is Joey Comneau, who writes the A Softer World commics. That's very very exciting. I've read exercts from all the chapters, and I can't wait for the book in its entirety. The other is The Real Diary of a Real Boy, and I'm nervous and excited about it. My dad has an original copy of the sequal, which was published in 1904, and it's amazing to read and feel and smell the old old print; the copy I ordered must be from a second edition, because it was printed in 1915 or so, but I still think Dad will enjoy it... anyway, I'm very excited.

I was thinking about volunteering at a nursing home sometime soon. Anyone wanna join me? I may not, but I think it would be fun. I could go on Sunday afternoons or Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. We'll see.

I made the very first Neopolitan last night. It was beautiful.

The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round.

She turned to me & whispered, don't you just love it when you get so excited you forget to breathe?

---

& the thought of her smiling eyes still makes me laugh.

Fits my life... oh so right...

Oh, my. Harris and William are running in circles around the dinning room table. They've been at it for at least ten minutes. Harris, who is about 13 months, is dizzy, I think, because he keeps falling and laughing; William's falling some, too, and now he's switched directions. They're so funny.

Last night Jessica and I went out and got cocktail shakers! It's very very exciting, and we made some very exciting cocktails last night, with the help of our trusty bartender, O'Brian. It was fun. I have a big bruise on my leg though. :( OH, I also borrowed the Sims Unleashed from my grandmother's house, and then we got Hot Date, Vacation, and Making Magic... toooo much fun.

Yesterday after keeping the nursery I went to Grandmomma's, where we had dinner! It was fantastic. Mom and Dad and Graham came out, and Grandma, who is visiting, which makes me oooooh so happy. I love her very very much. Uncle Keith and Katie and Nancy were also out; they're getting so big and grown-up and pretty! It was fun. We had stuffed mushrooms... yesss... and mamosas and wine... I love my family. I love my grandmothers.

Saturday Jessica and I went shopping, and I got two hats, two shirts, a pair of pants, and a skirt for like 35 bucks. I'm wearing my purple plazzo pants and my Bob Marley shirt right now. I've lost seven pounds in the last couple weeks, and it was really great because my family all noticed and O'Brian noticed and all in all: Hurray! Also I've been going to the tanning bed and whitening my teeth, and I've been exercising a lot... yay for self-improvement!

Thursday night Jessica, O'Brian, and I went to see the Vagina Monologues at UNA; they did a really good job. Parts of it were hilarious, parts were depressing, and some of it was just pretty disgusting, but not necessarily in a bad way. Overall, I really liked it.

Lindsey turned 19 Saturday; if you haven't wished her a very merry birthday yet, do so. Now. She's on facebook, myspace, and blogspot. So do it.

His friends were earned, and not a penny saved.

His friends were earned, and not a penny saved.I have a slight headache. Hopefully it will go away soon. This weekend was fun...I babysat Friday night, and then went home to enjoy some merriment with J-Money, O'Bizzle, Lance, and Jonathan. Umm, we need more nicknames. Anyway, we decided to go to Walmart on a midnight run for Crabs. That was quite exciting. Quite. The night, overall, was fun. Having one of the boys pee on our bathroom floor, however, was not.
:)

Saturday I met Meaghan in Huntsville, and then we went on to meet Dr. J at the Birmingham Art Museum. M-dawg had a class, so we went with her; it was nice. I usually prefer just wandering around aimlessly, but it's good to go on tours sometimes, too, because you learn a lot more. I liked it. After a failed attempt to meet with friends at the mall (too little time, too little notice), we decided to go to Styx, which was fantastic. Yay for Hibaci grill!!! It was so much fun. We hit a really bag blizzard on the way home... it was like running into a wall of snow. I've never been in snow that thick; not in a house or outside or in a car... it was quite exciting. It was so beautiful, too. Oh, and dangerous. Driving in that was pretty dangerous. We survived, though! :-D

Sunday I kept the nursery and Grandmomma and I went to Doublehead for brunch. We went to the buffet, and it was really nice, and I liked the lodge a lot. After that I went to the parent's house to have cake and ice cream for Lindsey's birthday. Hurray! She's going to be.. she's going to be 19 Saturday. I... I don't know how to assimilate this information, so I'll have to just move on now. I forgot, I also saw her and her friends Saturday night. They're all great, of course. Oh! I also went to BAM Saturday night and got "The Catholic School Girl's Guide to Sex." It's a great read. ;)

Unpaid tuition = I've withdrawn from all my class. Didn't know that... so I guess that's no good. In better news: I had my Big Brothers Big Sisters interview last night!!! I'm so very very excited! It's going to be a lot of fun... they'll have to run background checks and whatnot before they can match me up, but it shouldn't take to long... this is the third check I've had done on me. Dag. Other great news: I'm going to Anna Maria this summer!!#$!##$%&*&($^&(#^$~!!!! Family vacation 2006! Hurray! I loooove the beach, and I looooove Anna Maria, and I loooove my family. Huzzah!

Here is an email I recieved today.

Hi.

We are an upscale massage service based in Huntsville. Our clients are carefully screened and are generally professional gentlemen. We are looking for ladies age 18-30 to see clients in the Florence area. The pay is generous with only limited hours required. Since money is exchanged is for companionship only, a massage license is not required and the business is legal. Anything beyond companionship is not required and is strictly between consenting adults. Tips are normally generous. If interested, please reply soon.

I can see why you think you belong to me.

Out of the doubt that fills my mind...

Today was a pretty good day. I worked from 9 until one or so at the Tomlinson's. After a stop home I called mom and then ran by Wal-mart and to the house to visit with her for a little bit. I stopped off at home to see Lance and Johnathan again after that, and here I am, back at the Tomlinson's. The boys are asleep. They are so sweet, and I think they grow more attached to me every day, which makes me happy.

I cried again when I went home about Mario... the last of a generation... I'm glad he's okay now. I remember reading a quote in one of Aunt Alice's many cat books that went something along the lines of "Heaven would not be Heaven without my cats." I like that. I agree. My dogs, too. And my snake.

I'm in search of something new to read. I finished series by Garth Nix borrowed from O'Brian not to long ago... I high reccomend it. I took The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling from Kid Safari. =-0 No worries... I'm subbing there at the end of the month, so I'll bring it back then. I'm almost finished. I'm going to get some fantasy or something next. I think I'm going to try and alternate between a classic work and a modern fantasy/fiction for a little while. I'm also in love with reading. I forget, sometimes, how much I love it.

And if it's all the same to you...

Well, it's been a depressing several days. Not all bad, but a few things have been fairly dismal. Tuesday night I went with Jessica, O'Brian, Meagan, Christian, and Chris to see Brokeback, which is sad, of course, although I didn't cry this time... just tears. *raises hand* We went to eat at Taco Bell afterwards (I got my food "Fresca" style, which was actually pretty good, and healthy, so yay). Then Meagan told me that they put Mario to sleep earlier that day. It hit me on the way home, so I went on the porch and had a good cry, and Jessica and O'Brian joined me, because they are the best friends anyone could ever wish for. Mario was preceded by his brother, Luigi, and their adopted sister, Perdida. We got those three at about the same time, which I think makes Mario's death a little bit more tragic... he was the last of a generation of pets, and his passing dredged up memories of Luigi and Perdida, making it all the more morose.

Last night was my last night at the day care. I'm on the sublist, which is nice... they've already booked me for one day at the end of this month, too. But it was sad. I didn't cry when I left, like I thought I would, but I think that's due in part to the numbness I felt after a conversation with Chris, whose eight. He asked about boyfriends and parents. He thought that when black people fight, they hit each other, and when white people fight, they don't. He honestly thought that's the way things worked. When I told him that wasn't true, he started asking if my dad hit my mom. I told him no, and he asked about the police and would they come if he did, and would I call the police if a man hit me. Chris didn't know what a marriage was. I said something about a married couple, and he honestly had no idea what that was. I tried to explain it, but he didn't understand the concept.
Later he asked if I'd ever seen anyone killed in front of me. I told him no, but I'd seen someone die, and I told him about Elsbie, which was sad enough to think about. He didn't know what cancer was. He knew about guns and robberies and domestic violence, but he had no knowledge of marriage or cancer. After he left his mother called back to ask about the fight he'd been in that day (before I got there). When I told her that the teachers had told me that he didn't started, she said "Good, 'cause I had told him that if anybody ever hit him he'd better hit back, or he'd be in trouble."
Overall, a depressing night.

I think it's neat how I ended up grieving for the daycare, though. When Chris's mother's boyfriend came to pick up the kids, he had to wake up Shania and Aquanzo, who are 3 and 4. They were both groggy and semi-crying, and I held them while the guy went to get their coats. Last night, I dreamed that I was holding Quanzo right after he'd woken up, and I couldn't stop crying. That's all I remember from last night-- a day care scene where I'm holding a little boy and crying. I even had a slight head-ache when I woke this morning, like I get after a good cry. But I don't feel very sad anymore... just kinda removed.

Jessica left me a note and some fruit snacks for when I got home, and a peppermint pattie (which I ate for breakfast ;), and those made me happy. I decided over the course of this week that I'm actually not going to apply to be a counselor at ASCAA this summer, for several reasons. I'd really like to spend the summer apartment living... I don't wanna give that up. I'm also thinking about taking some summer courses, though I don't know if I will or not. I'm also looking into getting some job experiences away from children and the mentally disabled, since those are my main concentrations. And camp will be there next year.

Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life.

there came a moment in the middle of the song when he suddenly felt every heartbeat in the room & after that he never forgot he was part of something much bigger

I can't seem to get enough of the story people. I read a few new ones every time I get online, but I don't mind reading the old ones either. Brian Andreas = Amazing.

Brokeback Mountain has come to Florence, Alabama. Careful, we might just all burst into flames. Apparently this news was on the front page of the paper because some churches are protesting it. So... I guess thanks for the publicity. Losers.

Grandmomma and I went to Brinnley Brother's for lunch this afternoon. It was nice. I had four little girls in the nursery today... the first three to come in were Mary Morgan, Mae Beth, and Madelyn, and they were all in light pink dresses... precious. Then this little girl named Shelby came in, and she was in a cute pink outfit, too. Aww. Madelynn come to Kid Safari; it was neat to see her and her mom. She used to be one of my least favorite babies, but she's mellowed out-- she was probably fussy before because she was new.

I love feeling like I'm part of something bigger. That's one of the things that has always appealed to me about teaching, and it's one of the things that appeals to me about social work. I think about that when I pick up trash off the side of the road. I think about that when I donate blood. I think about that at the camps I do. I think about that at the day care. I think about that and I smile.

I'm your son from the future!!!

This has been a fantastic weekend... Birmingham trips are always fun.

Any time or place where you can walk into a room and be instantly and honestly hugged tight by about 15 people you love, and people who you can say, with confidence, love you, has got to make you feel a little of what heaven must be like. I love you guys.

I love variety, also.

I want so badly to believe...

he followed the sun & she followed

the stars & in dreams they listened closely

for the beginning of all things,

for that was where they knew they'd find each other

The days keep coming without fail.

I have a friend who reads people's auras. He sees all sorts of colors like green & red & purple. He says anyone can do it. All it takes is forgetting everything you think you know & just looking. I've tried it & even though I haven't seen any colors yet, everyone I meet looks so beautiful when I stop knowing everything, that it's pretty hard to go back to the old way.

Please, remember me...

Yeah, so I thought I was done with that other post, but I need to type more. I really am so incredibly sad about the day care. What hurts I think more than anything is that these kids aren't going to remember me. Or if they do, they'll just remember me as one of the workers at the day care. And even worse than that? I'm not going to remember them. That sounds so harsh, but it's true... I can roll off forty names right now, but in a month or two, when I don't see them on a regular basis, their names will slowly fade. I've probably already forgotten at least forty children that I subbed for. And that's so sad... these kids run up and hug me when they see me. I've rocked or patted almost all of them to sleep. I love them very deeply. I hope that my presence has been worth something in their lives.

I wish I was a little bit taller.

I got off at like 11 tonight. Then I ended up talking to Belinda for half an hour. Then I came here, to the UNA library, where I was going to work on the Sociology project I have due. I spent forever trying to figure out Web CT, then asked someone, who told me that they're doing back-ups now, so I can't get into it. Which means I can't do anything with my project, because all of the information is online. So I guess that's good.

Next Thursday is my last day at the day care. I'm glad, even though it makes me cry when I think about it to much. I've watched some of these kids grow a whole lot... some of the little ones weren't walking or talking when I started, and now they're doing both... amazing. Kids are so beautiful. There was a postsecret up last week that I mean to save but I didn't. It was a picture of an ultrasound, and it said "I hate every mother who doesn't love her children like I would love mine... if I could have them." Some of these parents... oy. They were pretty rotten tonight. I got kicked and bit and spit on and slapped across the face. Also got flipped off, but it was pretty much the funniest thing that happened all night... she shot the bird and then said "your crazy self can't drive!" I laughed really hard, which I guess I should have. Oh, well... it was funny. Wonder where she heard that? :-p

I went to Nashville last weekend with the Tomlinson's. It was pretty fun. The weekend before that I went to Birmingham with Jonathan, and we hung out with Lance and Thomas, which was great fun, of course. Lots of fun drinks. No cartwheels in the quad... this time...

sharp things that hurt for years afterwards every time you think of them

I love story people.

I skipped math today, and, while I haven't entirely convinced myself to skip sociology, the possibilty of my attendence is looking increasingly dismal.

My legs feel like lead, and I want to cry. How am I going to fix other people's lives when I can't fix my own family's?

Lucky for me, I'm an optimistic person who abhors all things self-pitying, so if I pretend hard enough, it will go away again.