It's Christmas Eve...

Sometimes my family is so cute I can't even stand it. Really.

Right now, I feel like my heart might explode.

The other night, I got totally sappy and sentimental when drinking. I'm really sorry guys; it definitely wasn't my intention. I do want you to know, though, that I meant the things I said (at least what I remember). Next time I tell you how much I love you, though, maybe I won't be intoxicated and half-crying. What a loser.

What has brought on this bought of nostalgia? New friends.

I know, it doesn't even make sense! See, the thing is, I know that there's only going to be room for so many people in the future. Harsh much? Seriously, though, like it or not, that's out there. While I can maintain a great number of friendships now, there's no way I can put this much energy into that many people forever.

That makes it sound like a chore, but it's not not not. I'm not sure how to convey this message. I've posted about this before, though, so maybe you get it, Reader. Or maybe you get it because you get me. I hope so.

Man, I didn't mean to stop the train at Saptown, USA.

Moving on to bigger and brighter things...

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. ... If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

Last night, Lindsey and I watched Love Actually at Aubrey's with him and Chris Jordan and Shawn. Good movie. Today, Lindsey, Meagan, and I went to lunch with Aubrey at Subway. It was great.

Now, I wish you were all here, but I also wish I was alone in the woods some where. If I had the money, I would rent a really really ridiculously big shallet in the mountains. I would drive there, not fly, and I would only pack a tooth brush and perhaps a few good books, and I would make plans to stay for a month, but I'd probably only stay for a week.

It's time for Midnight Mass.

Thanks, Jesus. For everything.

Because I'd like to remember these things about the last year.

01.What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Hmm... I bought alcohol and lottery tickets and I went to Tunica and I smoked salvia and I began to rent my own apartment and I walked to work from where I live

02. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I can't remember any resolutions; that's not to say that I didn't make them, but I guess it implies I didn't keep them.

03. Did someone close to you give birth?
April did! And also Laren, who I don't really talk to, but who I still love very much.

04. Did anyone close to you die?
Mario

05. What countries did you visit?
Several new countries; they're not even on the map yet.

06. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
I wouldn't mind falling madly in love, but I won't be terribly disappointed if that doesn't happen. I'd like to have more structure.

07. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not so good with dates; I can't give guys any grief because it will be me who forgets anniversaries...

08. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
I like to think my work at Camp was worth something; it's really an acheivement by accident, though... mostly it's just fun.

09. What was your biggest failure(s)?
Chaucer; big suprise there, actually...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nah... I don't have time for such nonsense ;)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I'm pretty happy with all the kites I seem to have collected over the past year

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Meagan; turns out she really IS a cool person... amazing, in fact

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Andrew Lang

14. Where did most of your money go?!
Probably to fast food with friends; we really need a new thing to do when we hang out

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My birthday, April's baby, Christmas

16. Anything you dreaded that now seems insignificant?
I was really worried that Andrew might show up at the Christmas party

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder? hmm... sadder, I think, but that's not to say I'm sad now.
ii. thinner or fatter? eh, about the same
iii. richer or poorer? poorer; richer in spirit, though! :)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I'd kissed more people and said I love you more often

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I wish I'd done less sleeping and eating

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Crying some, laughing a lot, and loving my family

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
I fall in love every day :)

23. How many one-night stands?
Several make-out sessions with strangers never to be seen again

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
Little People, Big World

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I still just hate Martha Stewart.

26. What books did u read?
We don't have that kinda time... it's a long list, and there's no way I'd rememeber everything anyway.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh man.... I can't remember which bands were new to me this year... The Middlemen is one group.... the Avett Brothers... Regina Spektor...

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to be finacially stable, and I am :)

29. What did you want and not get?
I wanted a torrid love affair

30. Favorite film of this year?
The Last Kiss; I think that's what it was called... I really can't remember what all I saw this year, but that was a recent one that I really loved

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21, and I went to Tunica with Meaghan and Jessica

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think maybe seeing a shrink would have been a good idea... I might start this year

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Nonexistant

34. What kept you sane?
Jeff for the last couple weeks, Jessica, Lance, Lindsey

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This was a Vince Vaughn year

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Invisible Children

37. Who do you miss?
I still miss Uncle Wade more than I ever thought i would... sometime I still think he's about to show up when we're swimming, and I'm still genuinely suprised sometimes when I remember that he won't be coming out to visit with Aunt Dana and the kids. I missed Morgan and David a lot, too; I was so close to them, and now they're strangers... I miss family in Virgina a lot, especially Grandma.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met so many new people this year! I'm forever grateful for Jeff, but I'm also glad for Tyler, Aubrey, Chris, Little Brian, Kacy, Eric, Luke, Chris Jordan... there are more, I'm sure, but you guys are all pretty fantastic....

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Sometimes it's okay to not be okay

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time...

No matter how upside-down it may temporarily appear...

Even when I'm sad, I'm happy. I hope you know this about me by now.

I've been in a very clingy mood for the last couple weeks; I've been pretty much attached to Jeff's hip. I know I don't deserve to have yet another wonderful soul added to my list of friends, but I'm thankful nevertheless. I love people. I feel like Jamie from Shortbus: "I just want to love everyone! Wait, how can I love everyone?! I don't even know everyone!"

I'm not sure if that's an exact quote, but it's close. It's not, however, a break-through.

I met several of Jeff's friends last week, and they are amazing. I love love love guitars. I love love love people.

Lance and Tyler are coming to see me tomorrow. Rejoice! I'm expecting cuddles, kids. Shareese is back in town. Yessss.

Man, I totally got distracted. Where was I headed?

I don't know. I really don't. I've been in such an odd mood lately. I've been in a really giggly good mood today. I miss this. So thanks for that.

Breakfast with O'Brian, Chris, and Jeff at Sonic was wonderful; I love you three very very very much. I probably don't tell you that often enough.

I'm a little obsessed with "Pretty Girl at the Airport." I was obsessed there for a bit, but it passed, but now it's back. I really really really need some new music in my life. I need music in my car. I need random mixes. I need to be engulfed. I need to buy that record player I've been wanting for a while now.

Here's my horoscope quote from freewillastrology.

You're like an arrow in flight. You're a half-cooked feast, the fifth month of pregnancy, the week before a big election. Have you ever mastered a second language? You resemble the time right before fluency arrives.

When you forget about someone they cease to exist.

How do I even begin to tell you?

Camp was wonderful. Ask me about it.

School is horrible. It's taken me exactly two weeks to completely fuck up a decent semester. Good job, self.

Seriously, though. I might joke about it, but please know I hate myself a little bit right now.

I have my last exam at 8. History of Philosophy. I'd love to study, but I missed the last class and I don't have a study guide. I never bought the text book. I don't take notes.

I really wish my parents would offer to help with my rent or something. I wish I didn't feel like asking them for money was such an ordeal. Not that I need money, especially. I do fine. But I would have more time to devote to school. That's mostly bullshit, though, because I probably wouldn't anyway. Dad gave me a hundred dollars last week, which made me feel special. Then I remembered he and mom owed me a collective 350 for vet bills and books. I still feel special, though.

Yesterday morning I failed my African American Women's Literature test. I failed it miserable. I walked in fairly confident; I probably have a B average in there, and I felt that I had about 75% of the test down easy. Apparently, I was wrong. I've missed two classes since our last test; I studied the material we'd covered, plus works by every female author in the book that we hadn't studied yet. (I didn't buy that book, either, but I looked up the table of contents online, then looked up the writers, poems, and stories.) There was only one single question on the whole test (which was almost entirely short answer) that I know know know I got right.

I didn't have an exam in Chaucer. I did really well (I think) on my Gender Communications exam; it was optional. I needed the points.

I've spent a lot of time at Jeff's apartment recently; I'm probably driving the boys insane. I'm sorry. I feel really loved around you all, so thanks for that. It made me miss dorm living. I love sharing a bed. Jeff is definitely an angel sent personally to save me. Chris is the only reason I smile sometimes, and my mood lifts just to be in his presence. Little Brian is like a younger brother; I feel simultaneous urges to pester him, protect him, kill him, and nurture him.

Yesterday (I think) we watched "Being Julia" (great)/ Tonight we watched "Bridget Jones' Diary" (very good), "Another Gay Movie" (very dumb/gross/funny...ish), and "Invisible Children" (life-altering). I'm going to watch it at least every two weeks. I don't want to forget, but I'm afraid it's already happening. I'm sorry, Tony.

St. Thomas Aquinas, if you read this, please consider it a prayer... or a plea. Not only do I have an exam on you in the morning, you are the patron saint of colleges; I hope maybe you take care of college students, too.

Please don't forget me, Reader. Please.

I know that's selfish, but I'm asking you just the same.

Can't you just see the sunshine? Can't you just feel the moonshine?

Self-analyzation time!

Two things.

One:

I've realized that I identify myself as a virgin a lot. It is something about me, yes, but I've never considered it a defining characteristic of my being. I have not taken any vow, I don't wear a promise ring, and while Jesus may have been the root of my abstinence, He certainly plays no part in my decision to wait now; I have no problems with others who choose to have pre-marital relations, and I have not resigned myself to waiting, either. However, I find that I consistently bring it up in conversations with new people. I don't necessarily go on a tirad or a tangent. It just comes out, not inappropriately, during the conversation at some point. Why? That is the question. The only answer I have thusfar is that perhaps I do value that particular characteristic subconsciously.

Two:

Now, this one is tricky, because I risk de-valuing my friendships by making this observation. That is not the case, though. It is possible for these ulterior motives to work together and not against my friendships. Anyway. I've also begun in the last month or two to identify myself with having a myriad of gay friends. My friend base hasn't actually shifted that greatly, but I've become more vocal about it, almost to the point of annoyance. What bothers me is not that. What bothers me is I think I may be developing an aversion to straight men. That sounds ridiculous. Let me explain. By only embracing or pursuing friendships with gay males or straight women, I am still able to be socially progressive without actually having to engage in any relationship that may develop further. It's like a safety net. Not only will these relationships not progress past intimate friendships, but there will be no one to blame for the "failed" romance; namely, I will not have to hold myself responsible for the lack of attraction, because it is due to a biological factor.

Does that make sense? And this doesn't negate the friendships I have, so please don't think that. I believe I would have pursued the friendships I have regardless... it's just that, perhaps, there are other relationships that I should have pursued as well, but I didn't.

There's always the chance, of course, that I'm simply being over-analytical.

Thoughts?

I'm a slow motion accident.

Old pictures look very rugged and young, and the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.

I just hope I remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as I look in my old photographs. And I hope that they believe me.

Baby, what do you say we just get lost?

Head, Carolina/Tails, California-
Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer
Up in the mountains, down by the ocean, where it don't matter, as long as we're going
Somewhere together!
I've got a quarter- Heads, Carolina/Tails, California...

If God made you, he's in love with me.

I need to remind you of something, Reader. I need you to know how important you are. You. I need you to know that you have changed me. You have inspired me, you have helped me, you have humbled me, you have become a part of me.

You are my companions, my elementary school playmates, my cousins, my long-distance lovers. You are the friend of a friend of a friend. We just talked that one time at that one party for that one minute or two. We used to be close. We are close.

Anyway... thank you.

I'll be lonely, but I know I'll be okay...

...good love is on the way.

Right? Please say that's right.

Mister with his hands on you got his hands on some damn body.

Sooo, I really like Lucille Clifton, who we studied recently in African American Women's Literature; I also love Maya Angelou, who we studied today, but I knew that already.

Class is almost over! I have two ten page papers, two finals, and a group project due next week! Yay! I, for one, am elated.

Am I the only person who isn't angry about the warm weather? Yes, I'm ready for the cold weather, BUT, I know that soon enough I'll be wishing for warm weather again... besides, it hasn't been hot or cold; it's been perfect. In closing, quit bitching, or I will cut you.

Yesterday morning I finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower again. Man, what a good book! I hadn't forgotten that I liked it, but I had forgotten why I liked it. Towards the end of the book Charlie and his friends play Secret Santa, which I had actually been thinking about anyway; that evening, Lance called me and asked if I wanted to be in on a game! How exciting is that? Very, thank you very much.

Work tomorrow here at the Tomlinson's. DInner with Jeff, perhaps. School Friday. Project work Friday. Get my new car key Friday? Work Saturday.

Life, man.

What a trip.

Homage to My Hips

these hips are big hips.

they need space to

move around in.

they don't fit into little

petty places. these hips

are free hips.

they don't like to be held back.

these hips have never been enslaved,

they go where they want to go

they do what they want to do.

these hips are mighty hips.

these hips are magic hips.

i have known them

to put a spell on a man and

spin him like a top!


~Lucille Clifton

And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.

And so passes another wonderful Thanksgiving. I had a lot of fun with my cousins; they've grown up so much. It's kinda strange being the older influential cousin... Anyway, dinner at my grandmother's, joined by her sisters and family. It was wonderful.

Earlier that week I dined at Olive Garden in celebration of Jessica's birthday with her, Meaghan, Jeff, O'Brian, and Erica; it was wonderful (except they ran out of olive oil... how does Olive Garden run out of Olive Oil?). Afterwards we headed to my place, sans Erica, to hang out for a bit and place some card games and what not; we were joined by Chris and (briefly) Jonathan. I love my friends. We should have birthdays more often.

To follow in this non-sequential path, let me tell you about yesterday: 'twas wonderful. Impromptu plans to visit the Quest were successful. Chris and I drove to Cullman, where we picked up Jeff, then we went to Tyler's to see him and Lance and Britni and Britney. Later we went to the club, and it was a lot of fun. My thighs hurt like crazy; clubbing counts as a trip to the gym. I'm pretty stoked that I was there with the four hottest guys in the whole place. We watched the sunset this morning and left at 8; Jeff and I hung out at his house for a bit and I got to meet his lovely parents before we headed home (we also lunched at Taco Bell). Before napping, I watched Invisible Children again today with Lindsey and the parents. I can't wait for you all to see it. Now, my sleep pattern is totally screwed.

Oh, I still haven't found my keys. I guess I get to shell out 50 bucks to get a new one made for the car. I'm sure they'll turn up the day after that happens. Oh, well... I guess I'll have an extra key, at least (though we have an extra somewhere anyway... just no one can find it). I'm pretty bummed now that I realize I may not find this set of keys ever, as they may have been taken out with the garbage or something. I don't get attached to things very easily, but I did have the key to my first apartment on there, and I wanted to keep that for a while.

In general, life is pretty good. I'm not so good. I mean, I am, I'm happy, mostly, but I'm spiraling right back into the slump I hit last semester. When I'm not feeling totally indifferent to school, I feel stressed and incompetant. I feel like I'm not using the talents with which I've been blessed. I wish I was doing better in school. I wish stress didn't build up like it does, and I wish I would stop repressing things whenever other people are around.

In general, life is pretty good.

You and me both, kid.

How do you wait for heaven?
And who has that much time?
And how do you keep your feet on the ground when you know that you were born to fly?

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier.

I'm buying this bracelet. I'm also bringing the Invisible Children documentary to Birmingham tomorrow. This is big. I want to be a part of it. I know I'll go through phases, and maybe I won't care as much next month, but I will care even more the month after that. This one isn't going to go away. I can't wait to share this with you.

An excert from one Ms. Sonia Sanchez.

i say come, wrap your feet around justice

i say come, wrap your tongues around truth

i say come, wrap your hands with deeds and prayer

you brown ones

you yellow ones

you black ones

you gay ones

you white ones

you lesbian ones



Comecomecomecomecome to this battlefield

called life, called life, called life....

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

I'm trying to ward off the onslaught of Christmas music, but it's becoming more difficult. I love Christmas music. I do. It makes me happy. I listen to it alllll the time. But I have a strict "Christmas is after Thanksgiving" policy. The better part of November should NOT be about Christmas. Gosh.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I took the boys to Northside, where we saw my dad (always a plus) and looked at the school. After that we went to the Muscle Shoals Fire Department, where we got a grand tour of the fire station. Following that we headed to McDonalds, so we could get out some excess energy on the playground; Mom met us there (always a plus ;). Once I left their house, I met with Jeff and we headed to the gym, and I felt super duper afterwards. I went straight from the gym to Kid Safari, where I subbed for a couple hours, and that was really fun; I had the 3's and once my numbers were down, all the kids started playing with babies and it was sooooo friggin cute. Then I taking care of the baby dolls so the "parents" could go to "work." So I ran a day care within a day care. Teehee. I left Kid Safari to meet Kacy at the movies; we saw The Return, which was pretty good, though not what I'd expected. Also, I got to hang out with Kacy, so it was very fun. :) I left the movies to hit up Wal*mart.

Let me tell on myself here for a second. I have no clean clothes in the apartment. None. So my main purpose at Wal*mart was to buy something to wear today. Is that pitiful or what? I'm really excited about my new clothes, though...

Anyway, I also got some groceries and several boxes of cookies, which I took to Best Buy. There was a gaggle of guys there who had been waiting two nights for the new playstation, so I dunno... it was so cold and they'd been there two nights... Anyway, I brought them cookies. After that I headed home, where Jessica showed up on my doorstep, and we chatted and ate pomegranate and had a jolly good evening before she headed home and I headed to bed.

This morning I got up comparatively early and breakfasted with Jeff; we were supposed to work out but we didn't, and so we'll do that this afternoon. Now I'm here in the library talking to you, Reader.

Five for Fighting: amazing, or what? Unless the "what" is > "amazing," I don't wanna hear it. I love him.

Sic et Non

Today in History of Philosophy, we were studying universalism, and I think I'm in love. I'll be honest, I wasn't really paying much attention during class, as I was stealthily reading Running with Sissors, which was recommened by Jessica, and which is pretty much exactly what all the critics called it thusfar (wonderful and sickening).

Anyway. Universalism. This philosopher (whose name I have already forgotten) suggested that we are all one; we are all made of the same stuff (and it's God-like), and therefore we all have one soul. If we all have one soul, we must all retire to the same place. It does quite negate the idea of Heaven and Hell, but it does assume that we are all going to one place or the other. How wonderful is that?

I think it gives real depth to the phrase "brotherhood of man."

Today for you, tomorrow for me.

Friday after class I headed to Birmingham; the drive down was less than pleasant because of traffic and construction, but I arrived safely, so I suppose the drive wasn't to bad after all. As soon as I got there I met Tyler, Lance, Britni, Mark, Jennifer, and Melissa, and we were off to see Rent! It was amazing, as was expected, and it affected me more than I thought it would. I first started leaking during "Will I Loose My Dignity." For those of you un-interested in Rent (so you probably stopped reading this as soon as you saw the word mentioned), this song takes place during a life support meeting for the AIDS carriers. I kept thinking about Camp Kaliedescope, and my kids there. For those who don't know, that's the camp I do at McDowell for children with or affected by AIDS. A lot of our campers don't actually have the virus, but someone close to them does. I mostly thought of the mothers who come to camp with the kids, and what it must be like to slowly loose the ability to take care of your children, and what it's like to accept your future absence from their lives. So I cried. I cried again at the reprise of "I'll Cover You." I knew it was coming and I knew it was a sad part, but this wasn't a gradual tearing up... this was BAM, water everywhere! It was beautiful. Umm, also, Lance scared me shitless by leaning in from the row behind me to whisper in my ear; I was intent on the stage and jumped like 2308 feet in the air; I had the complete fight or flight response-- it's very difficult to sit through the end of a play when your adrenaline is rushing so.

The play left me feeling pretty worthless, honestly. I have so much; I am financially secure and I know I've got enough experience to keep me hirable, at least in day cares; I've got a family I love and a family who loves me; I've got friends upon friends; I can read. And there are so many with so little, and there are people dying, not growing old and dying, but just dying. I'm not saying I want to sell everything I own and start working in the slums; I am saying that I am going to make a greater effort to be an active part of the changing world. As it stands now, I do a camp for the mentally disabled and one for AIDS kids, and I do Big Brothers Big Sisters; two of those events, however important they are, are about two weeks of intensive service, but nothing the rest of the year. BBBS doesn't take up that much time, and there are plenty of organizations that I could actually get my little sister involved in with me.

Back to my Birmingham update... we got back to campus, where we parted ways with Britni and Mark and Melissa, and we met with Jennifer and Jessica (not my Jessica). We played a mixed up version of Circle of Death (or was it Ring of Fire?), which was ended early so we could play Drunk Driver... man, that was fun. Jennifer and I collaborated to make the game longer, much to the dismay of Thomas, who was the drunk driver. Poor guy. And poor Lance, who had to take care of Puking Thomas and Puking Tyler. I'm going to have to say that passing up the trip to Wendy's was a good call on my part. (Jessica was sober and drove them). I heard great stories about it all this morning.

I also lunched with Karen, which was wondeful, as one would assume. We also talked for a very long time about very random subjects. She might be making friends with Anthony, the special ed. cafeteria worker, and that makes me VERY happy. I wish all of you would make a point to just say hello to him whenever you see him. Just introduce yourself once, then give him a wave every now and again. You will make his life better, I promise.

I hope Rosario and Stephen are home soon... I'm ready to go hang out with my beautiful Meagan.

Love, and do what you will.

Go read the title of this blog again. Now think about it. Now smile. It's a beautiful thing.

So today has been GOOD. I thought today was going to be BAD, but today was not just good, it was GOOD.

I wish I could have taken a picture of the leaves cascading past the window during Literature this morning. It was beautiful. They were one hundred percent autumn and they were continuous. A million leaves fell down, all of them spinning and falling and reflecting. And the sound! It was the beautiful dry shuttery sound a rain stick makes. It was amazing.

And you loved things just because, like the sick and the dying.

This is a postsecret that was sent it... the post mark was Korea. I really like this... it's so simple. Also, this week's asofterworld was quite the tear jerker. Last night was great. My living room is finally looking like a living room. My bedroom is a disaster. New friends are a plus. Lance, Thomas, and Karen make me super amuse and super happy. I'm going to see Rent Friday. I love love love.